Dancing through life

Live the life you love

2011-02-04T15:01:00.000-08:00

It's kinda ridiculous how quickly things snowball.

I have been thinking about this blog since wednesday, and I know if I don't write it right this second I am going to let a week go by, and I just can't let that happen.

This week I started waking up with headaches again because I have been grinding my teeth again (a sign of my own stress levels) but to be honest I haven't been happier since I quit school.

The teeth grinding started almost 4 years ago, when I was working a million jobs, going to school full time, and heavily involved in church. I thought I had a brain tumor and was going to die when I went to the doctor. Stick out your tongue, he said. And when I did he immediately laughed and told me to see my dentist (apparently, when I opened my mouth there were signs on my back teeth of grinding... pretty gross huh?)

The silly part is that I am not truly happy until I am so stressed out with a full schedule that I am grinding my teeth. This week was full of staff meetings, networking for new dance things in San Jose, and other creative endeavors that I will talk more about once they get closer. But, on a whole, I am super stoked with what lies ahead.

On the blogging front, I have some super exciting news.

A Year ago I called my dad after a big career meltdown telling him I needed help finding a job. "What do you want to do?" asks dad. "I don't know", I replied! The answer from dad was so irritatingly easy I was angry I hadn't thought of it myself.

"Well, what would you do for free? That's what you SHOULD be doing. If you would do it for free, find someone who will pay you to do it... and that is your answer..."

This was long before I started blogging regularly, but the answer was definitely in my head... What would I do for free:
1)dance
2) write
3) sleep

Yea, right dad, like it's that easy. Well, 3 months later I was teaching dance and in a company in SF. And now, starting Sunday, I will officially be a paid blogger. That's right, readers! Number two of three has happened. Because I am still working out the kinks, I cannot give out the link today of the new blog, but just know, it's gonna be awesome! And I will still be writing here as promised, but it is official, and as much as I hate saying it: Dad was right. I was even leaving work the other day prepping for my big new project, and said to my friend/ collaborator "So this is it? I am officially a blogger now?" and she said back to me "Oh Natalie, you have ALWAYS been a writer" which pretty much made my day.

Dad says live the life you love... Now who wants to hire me to sleep and bake? I'll send you my resume right now :)

Shut it and Serve: The end of the week thoughts

2011-01-27T23:26:00.000-08:00

I have often tried to figure out what makes a well-rounded person.

I know, it sounds ridiculous, but my parents spent many hours and dollars, shoving my sister, brother and I out of so many extra curricular activities that people are AMAZED at how many different instruments, sports, and other random skills I have (Karate, anyone?) This isn't the point. When on our way to and from this multitude of education, we often whined in the back seat WHY? Why mom, why do I have to sit in the back seat with my dumb sister and take piano between girl scouts and softball? All my friends are at home watching Real World. Well, my mother would look into her rearview mirror and explain that we must try everything, even if it is just once, because this will help us to be well-rounded individuals. We were, at almost all times, enrolled in a sport, instrument, and community organization of some form or another until we were old enough to refuse and pick one: my sister in sports, myself in Performing arts, and my brother in music.

Is this what makes a good well-rounded person? While this very well may be a start, i feel as though i have had some insight tonight to the other piece of the puzzle. Tonight i attended a launch party for San Jose's chamber of Commerce field guide to service. The guest speaker, so charming and bubbly had a lot of good things to say about community and san jose as a whole, but she had an analogy that i wished painted a clear picture for me about. While she had a lot to say that I took away with me tonight, her analogy was, "sometimes, when I walk my dog, I bring an extra bag with me and pick up a bag of garbage. Will that end world hunger? No, but I am hoping to do my part, and maybe inspire others to do their part...."

It was in that moment that I really think I found a solution: Service. Here's why: I have a group of friends, my age and a few older, ok, they are mostly older but not by much. and male.... and pilots, and they have a PASSION for crabbing about the state of the union.

Now, my mother might argue that they have a right to crab because they voted, but if there is a group of us younger americans that are skeptical and believe that the system is flawed... And in my own logic, and experience in working in groups, and the interest of cliches.... "if you want something done, you have to do it yourself"...

So what is my conclusion. It is obvious to ME that my system is flawed, but these bunch of nay-sayers who I love are missing the key ingredient: service. While you may work in a job that serves (pilots, teachers, etc.) that is just never enough! And, since I was raised in a very BUSY household (see extra- curriculars above), it does not make sense to sit and gripe.... at what point do we turn our distresses into action? and who will do it? If your answer to that question is "Not I" then I'm sorry, you have revolked all your rights to useless crabbing. Voting is not enough anymore. Action is the new bitching, because if you are going to sit and cry about it the way generations before us did... well then, you are going to end up with well, what we have now, which is obviously not ideal.

I have worked many odd jobs, from teaching and TA-ing, to backbar, event planning and catering, but the one common theme is that they have all, in some way, been a job of service, giving back and people oriented. And, while I am fairly new at this "no school to consume my whole life thing", I can honestly say that some of the most deep and meaningful friendships I have made have been with people working towards a common goal.

If you need help finding I place that needs your help, and sparks your interest, I can now help you find a place. And no more complaining. Anne Frank wrote, "How wonderful is it that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." Mother Theresa said "If you can't feed 100 people, feed one." Michael Jackson said "If you wanna make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make the change."

I hope we can all continue to round ourselves out.

Resolutions, promises, and adventures

2011-01-17T22:36:00.000-08:00

I Resolved to write once a week in my blog: BROKEN. No matter how hard I try, sometimes I have low points. I don't Just mean a typical gloomy day.

I had a communication teacher once tell me emotions are like a pendulum. The harder you love, laugh, and smile, the inverse is true also. So, while I mostly am in a secure spot of comfort and stability (one year later, if you read last years posts...) There are still days, no, minutes, where I throw myself onto the floor, question all my life's choices, and cry. UGLY cry. To the point where I see on my roommate or boyfriends face (depending on what venue I have selected for these theatrics) looks at me as if I am insane, and then steps over me and waits patiently for me to finish. As I write this, I can almost hear my dad chuckling, because these fits have not changed at all since I was a terrible 2, 13, or 18.

But it's true, and when I think my updates are going to sound like a self-loathing baby, I refrain. But. No more excuses, One update a week. AT least! FOR REAL THIS TIME.

I have also been reflecting a lot about the rest of my life. While I was soooo busy over the holiday I never blogged (oops!) I found myself more happy then I have been in quite sometime.

I have been drawn back to the blog for one reason in particular today: Documentation. and REAL accountability.

My roommate and I have been living together now for 6 years. Every year we say we are going to climb half dome, since I could remember... and it has YET to happen. For no good reason at all we say we will do it in summer every year, and every year we get to our holiday that we made up (yes... we made up a holiday, we are that awesome. We are SO cool that not only did we make it up, but someone later tried to steal it and miserably failed, but that is a different story...) and say, "Oh no! We did everything EXCEPT that yosemite thing"

While I KNOW we can do it, I feel there is a certain amount of training that goes into the hike if you want to enjoy it. Anyone can hike it, yes, but it is a long drive from Yosemite back to San Jose, and the less amount of pain I can be in, the better. So we have started our prep. And this year, we are going to do it!

For christmas this year Roommate gave me a new book... 60 hikes in 60 miles. It is, as it suggests, 60 parks and trails in a 60 mile radius of my house. The challenge is this: Commit to one a month (probably more as we get closer to a date) and hike the trail.

We are thinking if we go in august, that is 8 hikes: 2 easy, 4 moderate, 2 hard... minimum. Our first hike got us pretty excited, and we know have a running list of supplies we need, maps, and pictures.

The one thing I will say about our first hike (almost 2 weeks ago) was I got lucky. Not only does our book accurately navigate the trail, but San Jose is one of the only places I think you can drive 15 miles out of civilization and be passing a swedish commune and next to a waterfall. I am stoked to reflect, share, and invite anyone out their on the journey that will become Yosemite 2011

The most wonderful time of the YEAR and my grandfather, Patrick Stewart

2010-09-30T00:13:00.000-07:00

The time is now, Friends.

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know how I feel about habits... I have continued to stress about needing habit, floundered around the past year of being out of school, and been asking myself what the HECK am I going to do with myself in these next years? What Am I going to do with my life in order bring Dance and art back into the south bay.

And while I can sit here and stress, I like to stop and savor the few things I know to be fact:
1) The sun Rises in the east and sets in the west
2) Gary Masters Willl ALWAYS hold class
3) When the leaves change colors, Apple Hill will ALWAYS be a drive away.

For those of you who don't know, Gary Masters is a mentor of mine for college. The joke is that every other teacher at LEAST once a semester would inevitably cancel class for one reason or another, except Gary. One semester his company was performing and more than half of the faculty was out because they were all in his show. Not Gary, I banked on the fact that he would be there, and when to his surprise I dropped in on an early morning class I shared with him what I knew about the sun and how he would always have class. He sorta rolled his eyes at me, but I could see his smug look on his face when he walked away.

... I should find out when his classes are this semester.

More personally, If you don;t know what apple hill is, you should. One of Northern California's best kept secrets is east of sacramento, and the memories I have of it are that of normal children to Disneyland. My Papa lived in the mountains in colfax, and every year in october for the family Birthdays (and papa's birthday too), we would make the drive to Apple Hill. And every year when the colors start to change, I start to itch waiting for the weekend I can sneak up the hill for a fresh carmel apple and a pound of honey in celebration of one of my favorite seasons.

My papa, a legend in his own right, was another great contribution to me. A combination of popeye and captain Crunch, Yuel Brenner and Patrick Stewart, My grandfather the ex marine could have made me famous for his one liners, a la "Shit my dad says". But more importantly are his spunk, no nonsense attitude, and harsh realities that Keeps him in the front of my brain these past few days.

In my life of recent insecurities, I have found that I always have my biggest support system with me all the time... In the changing colors of the leaves, in the sunrise through my window in the morning, in the first bite of a crisp, fresh october apple. And even on my crappiest days, in my darkest hours, I can hear "mississippi mud" in my head, and a small weight gets lifted off my Heart.

And I'm counting down the month til I get to return to Apple Hill!

A final Plea: why you need to donate to Dance in Transit

2010-09-05T22:30:00.000-07:00

I am in my last hours before dance in transit the fundraiser on kickstarter closes. I have yet to make my goal and think/KNOW that if only people KNEW how important this kind of event was, they would give. So this is it, my final plea: I am about to give you THREE huge reasons why not just you, but EVERYONE you know, should be donating to dance in transit.

First of all, have you read the news lately? Times are tough. And that is the BEST way to say it. The economy is down, there are doubts about our leaders, and lots of rules and regulations either passed or in progress do not make sense to the masses. ITs rough. It is time to take a stance and have a voice.

If you look at the past, (because history tends to repeat itself), some of the greatest pieces of art, dance, and music, have come from the crappiest parts of history. Have you ever HEARD gospel music? Its roots come from years of struggling and slavery, and the sound moves a soul to a place of goosebumps and tears? Jazz? Same thing. and more IMPORTANTLY than that, artist have often been the only ones brave enough to say what the REST of society is thinking. By you donating, you are not only saying, "Yes, art is important," but you are saying "I have a voice, I care about this community, and I support it." You are giving life to a creative self expression.

Secondly, this may not be a good enough reason for you. You might say "I have a voice, I vote." and good for you... BUT as we all know sometimes that isn't enough. And I wish I could tell you the power of dance, or ANY art for that matter, but I can't. I can't take all of you into my classroom of 90% "at risk" students and show you how a semester of hip hop brought them closer. I can't show you the kids who were labeled "Troubled" or "not smart" in my classes expressing themselves in ways that they could never do before I offered to teach there. But it happened, and you have to believe me when I say that dance incorporates all the important components of being a well rounded human. It teaches you to think outside the box. It teaches you to think on your feet. It teaches you that there are other ways to express yourselves then throwing rocks and sticks, or verbally abusing someone because you are having a bad day. It teaches people to work as a team, individually, and come together to produce something great. For a cause much higher then themselves. By stifling these programs, we are not a part of the solution. And it looks to me so far that, we could use some new solutions. I'm not saying Dance is the answer, but it certainly helps.

Now, Lastly... I find it hard/ sad to have even needed to write this much about Dance in transit. The truth is, I shouldn't have to. Of course I need to sell people on a business idea, but I have written countless press releases, multiple statements, and if you are taking the time to read this, chances are my job has already been done for the most part. When I first graduated, I wanted to go to New york. But that dream became less and less appealing when I thought about why I thought I needed to go there. San Jose is the 10th largest city in the nation. It is my home that I LOVE IT. And I know if you are reading this you probably live here and also love it. And if that is the case, you are also probably making money doing some form of career. And getting paid for it. Well, I want that too. I want to be able to wake up in the city I love and be paid for my skill set, Just like everyone else. Sure, I could move to New york or San Francisco, but I shouldn't have to. San Jose is already claiming to be so advanced in its politics, technology and business.... why can't we just be advanced in our art scene too?

... That's where you come in.

Dance in Transit helps with all these things. It nurtures dance in a community that doesn't NEED it, but DESERVES it. It gives San Jose a spot on the map in yet another field, rounding out the community, giving an outlet for performers that are ALREADY are in existence, and shows the next generation of artists that it we DO love them and we DON't want them to go to those other cities because ours is just as cool.

It could be great. It could be really great. And really awesome OTHER things could come out of it. But if I don't make this goal, I personally can't continue to create this venue as quickly...

..... So won't you PLEASE donate to Dance in Transit?
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/316656906/dance-in-transit-an-outdoor-site-specific-dance-fe

High maintenance friend, moi

2010-08-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

I do not claim to be low maintenance in the least.

In fact I often joke with my boyfriend that he will try and get rid of me as soon as he realizes HOW high maintenance I actually am... This of course, is funny because he knew me BEFORE we started dating me, and Still thinks I am fantastic (for some reason even I cannot explain). What I think is funny is when people (girls in particular) cannot, as I call "identify the crazy". And for this I repeatedly apologize to my man friends, who are now under the impression I am LESS Looney because I do not think I am always right, and have an ability to identify the crazy?

What does this mean? Well, I am on the last few days of my alcoholic abstinence, I can sum up a few things: 1) giving up alcohol saves you money, but not necessarily weight (depending on what you use to substitute your drink... in my case, pretzel M&M's) 2) If you choose not to drink when you go out, the social aspect of it is all in your head. I went out to bars on many occassions during this project, and ordered a diet coke... No one cared. It was when I DIDN't have anything in my hand that people would make a fuss. I think the point is, when someone walks into your house, you offer them a drink (water or otherwise), if you are at a restaurant, you get water... if you are in a bar cupless, it doesn't matter if you are drinking white lightening or water, your company just wants you to be comfortable (which apparently equates to hydrated... who knew?)

And as a side note, I am going to be meditating the next few days (til friday) on what my next month long project will be, and if I will start it in September, or if I will wait til october when Dance in Transit has passed. I have been thinking of a few different ideas, and here are the ones I have liked the most:

1) Run once a day for the next two months (in prep for a mud race I might be running at the end of Oct.)

2) Take a picture everyday for one month (this will MAKE me post daily, and also force me to get a new Camera)

3) Wear one band t-shirt a day for a whole month (thinking this may be better for october)

4) Talk to one new person a day (forcing me to get out from behind the computer)

Of course all weigh ins are welcomed, and while I am hoping to post before I do take on another endeavor, I feel it is only appropriate to talk about the glassware...

My father tells this story at almost any dinner party (or at least he used to) and this year for my birthday I passed it onto a select few who came to celebrate with me. In the days of Kings and Queens, before a meal was ate, the king would pour his beverage into the glass of the man on his right, and that man would pass it to his right, until the beverage had made it all the way around the table. This practice was a ritual to take precaution in case someone might have tried to poison the king, they would also be poisoning the entire court. The clinking of glasses happens now, because this is the sound the glasses made when the drink was being poured from glass to glass now. We cheers to our health, our family, and the loyalty of our friends who would drink from your same cup, with you in your homes.

While I recognize to be high maintenance, I cheers to my loyal readers who I am flattered even continue to support and hate on everything I do. I wouldn't be doing my job correctly if I weren't stirring up some emotion, be it wanting to see James bond on cinema, or running to tell my grandmother I am obsessed with liquor... either way I have charmed or disgusted my way into your brains!

Salute!

One Bourbon, Scotch, and Beer

2010-08-26T12:29:00.000-07:00

Life is about choices... I've been told.

Recently, I have not been good with those. Specifically, the fact that I get crazy after drinking one cup of coffee, and I have just now ordered a HUGE Philz Mint Mojito, which is promising to keep me up til tuesday (I have drink 3/4's of it, and am already in panic mode... That's what happens when I drink coffee)

I woke up to a sun shiny, day, singing a catchy little tune in my head, got half way through my coffee, and all of a sudden my brain went....

HOLY COW, NAT Q!!!!! YOU ARE 2GRAND IN THE HOLE AND THREE WEEKS FROM THE BIGGEST EVENT OF YOUR CAREER.

Isn't it funny how caffine effects people?

I have been told faith is a hundred percent trust and surrender. I didn't invest this money thinking I wouldn't make it back (PEople DO care about the arts, I know... They just don't know it yet I feel.) The thing of it is, is that it is defined in so many ways.

Think about Apple. Why are they so successful? They are Creative with their ads, products, and continue to push the envelope... ALWAYS. People thinks Steve Jobs is crazy and his products are mindblowing....

THAT IS ART, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

While you think that silly brain in your hand that you HAVE to have the latest version of is an iphone and pioneering technology, It has take years of testing creative solving, and aesthetics to get it just perfect so it fits conveniently into your back pocket... It's a work of art.

Back to analogies. I have always had issues with trust (I think starting when I had a bad boyfriend experience at 16), and so it is really hard for me to surrender the idea that I will infact, meet my fundraising goal (and surpass it in 12 days). Trust is knowing your car headlight only shine 200 feet in front of you, and yet you drive 50 miles from SF to SJ at 10 at night... I make this drive twice a week at least.

"But Nat Q, you know that this works because you can also see the lights of people in front of you on your journey with you."

Well, that i the trust part. I have seen other pioneers, Martha, Twyla, I would even say Brenda Way, KT Nelson, Tawnya, and Gary are pioneers. I can see those headlights, I just gotta pace myself so they don't fall out of sight?

What does the title have to do with this post? because I have been true to my word, No alcohol for the past 26 days, but after the coffee, I am ready for all three of these, Just like George... But not quite

Speaking of choices, The last time I had my own rendition of a BSB, I did not make good choices (I was 22) And here is that recipie... I think it's called a skittle... Please drink with caution...

(And if you want to help donate to DIT, just click the link on the side of my blog... please?)

Skittle mixed drink
3 count Raspberry Vodka
3 count Sierra Mist
1 count Orange Liquor

In that order, Serve over ice... Taste the rainbow.

ALSO: New friends (sorta) I love photos, and I had the pleasure of working with a fellow blogger recently... She takes GORGEOUS picture... and this is the link to her website! Happy browsing!
http://chubbphotos.blogspot.com/2010/08/natalie-q.html#comment-form

balance

2010-08-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

It seems that whenever Life gets busy, I neglect writing. Today is the first day I have turned off the noise without completely going MIA.

Let me just say, good things are happening. A few months ago I thought I had found my dream job. And yet something was missing. Well, I'm back. I guess the part I was missing was reality.

I recently chatted with a friend about the pro's of going to an all girl school (which I did). The one thing I could really come up with is that, it puts priorities into a prospective. High school was NOT the end all be all, it wasn't reality completed, because their was one key ingredient missing: BOYS! Not to say that boys are life, but they are a part of it, just like art, and sports, and other things that i did in high school, NOT at high school. And when Work became my "reality", I kinda lost sight of that... BALANCE!!! It's about BALANCE! Work, School, Play. Or in my case, Work, Play, Family (now).

Speaking of balance, I was recently in my father's office and saw this 6 sided dye. On the sides were numbered priorites: 1) engineer, 2) Spouse, 3) father, 4) Participant, 5) Citizen, 6) Professional. But what caught my eye was the adjustment he had made to the 6 sided dye. My dad had taken a sharpie and re-wrote the top 3 priorities: 1) Spouse, 2) father, 3) Engineer.

This to me was CRAZY!

IF you know me and my dad's relationship (which most people don;t because you would need an hour and a bottle of red wine) you know we have had our ups and downs, and something about the dye made me feel like dad finally had figured it out... like all those years and dollars poured into therapy might have clicked. And I sometimes wonder if I had helped by being the terror I am/was.

So what is a Celebration drink? Personally, I think I have a TON of prosecco. I wish I knew a history, other than preRoman, HARDly distinguishable from asti's (the before dinner drink), I like it as much as Champagne. YUM! YUM YUM! I have a half a case of almond champagne in my house! Here's To balance! Can't wait for this experiment to be over!

Greens

2010-08-09T23:18:00.000-07:00

and I'm not talking about money!

Recently, I have been reading a book from one of my favorite celebrity chefs about how to cook old world ITalian. Although it was a long, alcohol filled weekend (not on my end), I have been recently intrigued by the mystical plant known as basil... Plus there is a small thicket of it taking over my kitchen right now.

While I have yet to try this, I am intrigued by the thought of an unorthodox ingredient in a drink. This is the most appetizing mixture I could find.

It's called a Starry Lime:

1 1/2 oz Van Gogh Wild Appel Vodka
1 oz Cranberry Juice
5 Basil Leaves, torn
Juice of half a lime
basil leaf for garnish

Add Van Gogh Wild Appel Vodka, cranberry juice, basil and lime juice into a shaker filled with ice.
Shake vigorously and strain into a rocks glass filled with ice.
Garnish with a fresh basil leaf.

... Right? YUM!

Day 4: Q... Nat Q.

2010-08-04T23:43:00.000-07:00

Let's talk Politics a second.

GASP! I never talk politics (or religion) in public, because I have a cousin who told me "It can only end in screaming fits or tears" which I agree with.

I find it very disconcerting to be working retail in a place that I call "the row".

Tonight is wednesday, and while I was leaving work at 9:30, people, YOUNG people, were out, or coming out to the row in their gucci and Prada... What are these people doing for jobs? And how do I get hooked up in that field!!! Shoot.

Secondly, I am attempting to raise money to start an artistic revolution, and not only did I not get any backers today at ALL, but I work in a location where I saw (twice today at least) someone come in and spend an EXCESSIVE amount of money on pants only to have them altered.... into shorts.

We sell shorts. We are in a recession. Your excessive spending is TACKY! you do not need 8 pairs of pants. Their are not even 8 days in a week, and I am sure that somewhere between watching your dog and rewaxing your car your au pair has time to wash your expensive clothes!

... I need a drink.

But not from the Row! no no no! That would surely have cost me a fortune ($12) and I would still remember 8pants lady.

Who knows the drink of refinement only suited for the Row?

Enter Mister Bond... James Bond.

Like Hannibal Lector to Chianti, James Bond to the Martini... that's Shaken, not stirred. The MArtini has a long history to it also (I feel I could discuss it later, as it is one of my favorite mixed drinks and it could be addressed over the span of a week), the James bond martini is (gasp!) not the same as the original MArtini, which is not the same as my staple martini (grey goose lemon drop, sugar on the rim)

A Martini is simple, gin, vermouth, a green olive or lemon peel (depending how you feel), and 6 ice cubes... That's Right!

Also, let's talk about the glass... They are distinguished from other cocktail glasses by their sharply tapered bowl. The conical shape helps keep ingredients from separating, Some people say that the wide brim produces surface tension that helps bring out the gin's bouquet. Others believe it was developed to show off the olive or onion to best advantage. Conspiracy theorists suggest that necessity was the mother of invention when it came to wide brim cocktail glasses.

But, here it is, the James Bond martini (try and order it in a bar... I have yet to find someone who knows it well enough to give it to you in a champagne goblet, and also, it is VERY bitter. I'll stick with my lemony martini)

3 oz gin
1 oz vodka
1/2 oz Lillet® Blanc wine

Pour the gin, vodka and Lillet blanc into a cocktail shaker half-filled with cracked ice. Shake well, and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a twist of lemon, and serve.

Day three: Mint and gasoline.

2010-08-04T14:34:00.000-07:00

SO yesterday was a full day and I thought alcohol wouldn't come up but surely it did!

To prove statistics are not just a bunch of phoney- baloney, My mom told someone about my project this month. They asked "WHY?" as if it were crazy to give up something... And then went onto say they couldn;t do it because of the social aspect.

What is it about this magical drink that makes it so crazy to give up. If I said I were gonna give up say, Red meat... or... carbs, I don;t think anyone these days would care to venture to ask more about it.. Dairy, red meat, carbs, sweets (we'll get to that in a few) everyone is ok. But, as soon as you say you are giving up alcohol everyone gets concerned... I'm just trying it out ok? Sheesh peeps, no worries I'm going back!

The conversation continued, and somehow we started talking about mint Juleps. I don;t know Much about this drink at all, not the way I know about red wine anyways, but I did some research and this is what I found out.

Mint Julep is a SUPER old drink. The comment that was made about mint Julep is that it "taste like gasoline". I looked at what it was made out of, and it looks like I found the answer: BOURBON! Now, I am not much of a bourbon drinker, and I think it probably cuz I haven't invested much time effort or money into finding a good one, but I can tell you this: cheap bourbon (and alcohol in general) tastes like gasoline. Mint Juleps are made of Bourbon, sugar, water, and mint... and that's all... so deceiving because if you ask me the word "Julep" is so pretty, I might order it just to say the word (if I were young and trashed). IT is also the staple drink of the KEntucky derby... figures.

Later yesterday, I went out to "da club" with my roommate to see a DJ friend of hers play (shout out to Don Lynch!). I wwent cuz I like to dance, but mostly because I wanted to see a club sober. I am not much of a clubber, and I sometimes wonder if I missed out in college.

I SO DID NOT! If last night was a look into my generation, I weep for the future. Not only did the drinks look crappy (BARTENDERS! EDUCATE YOURSELVES! IT'S ABOUT POUR COUNT!), but the "dancing" was appalling? And what do I have to compare it to? I have seen footage of clubs for previous generations, and our generation doesn't even hold a CANDLE to our Parents. Friends, go to our Parents house, bring them a bottle of their favorite Bourbon and put on some Ray charles.... AND TAKE NOTES!!! My parents can tear it up and I bet yours could to... ridiculous. But down your rubix cube's, step away from your computers, and learn to mix a drink and dance. it's about being well-rounded people.

I get the social aspect of it, I easily could have seen myself dropping close to $30 last night on drinks (It was hot, sweaty, I only knew one person, and I was in a club on a tuesday with overpriced drinks.) I would say I would have probably had 2-3 mixed drinks, plus tip for the tender... That's probably about 20-24 bucks.

Saved twenty bucks in my mind! I bought some fresh basil and italian parsley today with my savings... and enough pasta to hold me through winter... three drinks or a season's worth of pasta? Why didn't I give this up before?

Day two: Welcome to the world of Wine-o's

2010-08-02T23:54:00.000-07:00

Alcohol is funny because of the taboos that go with it.

And like I imagined, this is harder than I first thought. I saw on someone's update today "it's not my fault I get off work at 2pm...therefore, no, it is not "too early" for a beer." It Made me chuckle because I can't even REMEMBER how many times I have resisted this thought. And I was doing great NOT drinking today until I saw my mom (around 8) and she offered me a glass of wine. Since it was chardonnay, it was easy to turn down, but only after she offered red and I almost yelled "NO!" at her. No, meaning "No, how dare you open a fresh bottle and drink it yourself knowing I won't have any!"

What is it about Red wine? The drink I know to be native to my people (both figuratively and literally), the purply-red syrup has been around since day one. My papa Q. drinks red wine every night with dinner, and my father kept a boxed wine (don't knock it, boxed wine is the BEST way to store wine, you snobs...) for as long as I can remember, following in this tradition. But Why? why??? Well, I can give you a million reasons, but like anything, it is to be drank in moderation (the benefits of red wine come from 2 to 3, 6-8 ounces, and 8 is a generous serving....)

For starters, scholarly journals (including but not limited to the university of Florida) show that, unlike most alcoholic beverages, red wine actually builds up the immune system instead of weakening it the way most do.

Nextly, the antioxidants in red wine have shown (by scholarly and drinking enthusiasts alike) to reduce Coronary heart disease, stress, blood clots, hypertension, kidney stones, and Alzheimer's disease.

Red wine has a HUGE extensive history of preparations and customs that go with it (that I can Divulge later). My personal favorite is a good bottle of Cabernet, but I just recently found a 2003 PEtite Syrah that has proven to be the most complex red wine I have ever drank (after first opening, it tasted of oak and chocolate... five minutes later, is that cherries??? 20 minutes of sitting, licorice? This is blowing my mind). There are books written as to how to pin point a "good" wine, but any Italian will tell you "its good if you like the taste". My sister the personal trainer went through a phase where all she wanted at the end of a long day was a bowl of popcorn and a glass of red wine (though I prefer chocolates or cheeses with mine... hence the pudge)..

Side note on pudge: part of the problem with alcohol is it makes you eat... water doesn't require cheese or chocolate. Beer and pretzels though? Wine and cheese? Martini and olives? all unnecessary!

Never drink your wine out of a metal glass, as the metal messes with the chemistry, turning your treat sour!

And I will say, after no drink for a good 48 hours, I was definitely sweating more in my hot yoga class than ever before (alcohols in general dehydrate you).
Salute!

AUGUST CHALLENGE:Alcohol

2010-08-01T17:06:00.000-07:00

I think I have said before, I need goals.

Short term, disciplined, to the point goals. And I especially like when I can check things off my list.

It is for this reason that I am giving up alcohol for 30 days (33 to be exact).

Now, let's get one thing straight... I am not an alcoholic. I have never been an alcoholic, and have no real thoughts of becoming one anytime soon. I drink occasionally on the weekend, and Love red wine. SO why have I chosen this?

Well, here's why. Between weddings, fourth of July, and all of the wine festivals I have attended in the past month, I am starting to notice the some changes around my mid-section that I am not so found of! Plus there is not a whole lot about it that is good for you (Lie: Red wine is chocked full of anti-oxidants, and my family swears by it... but this i not what I have been drinking recently), and, point blank, it is just straight UP embarrassing to be in a hot yoga class and sweat the chardonnay from last night's dinner with Dad.

Plus, I am SUPER looking forward to a vacation at the end of the summer (labor Day weekend, to be exact) is going to mark the end of my drinking celibacy. I only came up with this idea a few days ago (in hot yoga) that I would give it up for all of august (and then some). It will be a challenge, mainly because when you say "don't think about alcohol" what is the first thing you think of? That's right. Plus, august will be hot, and Lemonade is so delicious with a little vodka in it :)

Let's set a few more ground rules: If i go out to a place where alcohol is present, I will tally an estimate in what I think I might have drank at the establishment, and be keeping a tally of what I save by NOT drinking. This money will go into my savings. Any drink I crave will be researched (no dissertations, just a quick summary), and in the event I lose weight, I will be weighing in every sunday. How's that for a project?

I googled "why do people drink alcohol?" and most of the hits from "studies" and informal polls say: for socializing. Hmmm... This makes sense, but I remember their being a time when it was not so hard to socialize without alcohol... so what makes it so magic? I hope to find out this august. I also plan on posting more alcohol related facts, traditions, or maybe even some recipes. The second most popular reason people drink (according to .com's and informal polls) is because they like the taste... which made me wonder who they were polling, because if it were 19-25 years olds as one site reported, I am calling shenanigans and tom-foolery right now on them! I did NOT like the taste of alcohol (except a good Cabernet) at 19.

TO reflect on the sociability aspect of it, let's talk about my last drink. Last night I went out to mexican food with my Dave and his Parents. It was Mexican food. And guess what I had? Yup. House margarita. If you know me you know I don't drink beer, so margarita is the next traditional drink of choice in American Establishments. I am not really a huge margarita drinker. I grew up on them and I think at family gatherings I got enough "tequila-ritas" (as we called them) before I was even 18, let alone 21. It is also for this reason that I am particular about my margartias.

This one was NO GOOD! Had I thought about it, it was maybe the worse Idea for a last drink. So why was a drinking it??? Sociability, baby! Don't get me wrong, Dave and his parents are great, but when the three of them get together, all they talk about is... airplanes. And not that I don't like airplanes, but don't breathe them the way they do. And all the jargon that goes on is like a different language. So.... sip sip sip! after you get almost to the bottom it is not so bad! And now I can not feel so bad for not keeping up with the conversation, because now my brain is moving pretty quickly through other notions... and it doesn't MATTER that I am in Natalie land... I have nothing to contribute to the airplane conversation anyways. I big bowl of tequila makes me socially acceptable.... and ready for bed!

Sidenote: If you are trying to lose weight, margaritas are the WORST way to go... One margarita (frozen) is in and around 250 calories!!!!! that is one that is 6ish oz.... NOT the FISHbowls they normally give you in restaurants... those are about 400... Just saying.

Cheers!

Game, Set, Match!!!

2010-08-01T16:07:00.000-07:00

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and TODAY have been THE MOST GREATEST DAYS EVER!!!

Seriously. Things are working out.

While I would love to go back and tell in detail how I kicked off the best 3 day weekend of life, I'm afraid that today's descriptions of Thursday would not do it justice. Just know I was FLYING. It amazes me how people can work mundane jobs, while I would rather EARN my money. And that is how thursday felt. I EARNED It. Not just my Time their, but the prizes and great company I had that Followed. PLUS, Dance in Transit got approved on a fundraising website!

And if thursday was great, Friday was better. I went to Northern california to visit Dave's Parents, and while we were there we met some interesting people (sidenote: anyone know how to get a patent? thanks.) Plus we went into east Tahoe for some beach volleyball and swimming... What made this day for me I think though was the idea that I am getting back into shape... whether I want to think about it or not, The last two weeks of Hot yoga, and my feeble attempts at crossfit I could feel the benefit out on the volleyball court! It never amazes me what a little activity will do for you.

Now... If friday was great, Saturday rocked the HOUSE!!!! "Do one thing a day that scares you" is a school of thought widely practiced at work... sO I Went MOUNTAIN BIKING!!! For the first time ever! It was scary! and exhilerating!!! Like a wobbly rollercoaster almost! I was trying to be brave, but inside I was super nervous. And after four hours and only some minor injures (read: Road rash and bruised Left leg)... then it was a successful day! Plus I was in a BEAUTIFUL setting (kirkwood, ca) with AWESOME friends (B-rad & Dave) and at the end of the day we wandered over to the wildflower festival for an artwalk and some wine tasting... Sweating it up in the day, celebrate in the afternoon, good night sleep. I Lived the Dream!!!

Game. Set. Match.

The sweet nothings...

2010-07-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

Contradictory at it's finest.

Today was the first day for a while that I have had nothing planned. If you looked into my calendar... it was blank.

Most people get excited at the prospect of nothing on their Calendar.

Not me.

I feel my throat close, and I get dizzy and I feel as though my head might explode!

Hello. My name is Natalie Quilici, and I am 24 years old.... And I am a workaholic.

But today, I have put myself through a mental test of strength and discipline. I have made myself do nothing.

It actually hasn't turned out so bad...

I have been told that Italians are supposed to be known for "l’arte non fare niente", the art of doing jack squat. I also know my Grandfather whom I look up to wasted no time working hard so that I could have all the nice things that I do and I'll be damned to waste his hard efforts on "nothing". So I tried it. And the problem was, I don't like it. I am trying really hard to Live in the now, and be happy with the life I AM living, but the truth is I spend a lot of time drawing up my master plan to NOT do that.

So what does a workaholic do when they are making themselves do nothing.

Well... they get in their cars and go outside. They spend hours wandering a bookstore, looking at all the books, reading sections that look interesting. I can't even believe HOW much time I spent today reading from different books on what I need to have a successful career (3 hours I think???? maybe 4) I often found myself screaming in my head WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! YOU NEED TO MAKE A MILLION BY THE TIME YOU ARE 33!!! GO HOME AND START LOOKING FOR BETTER JOBS

That voice has finally gotten irritating. I remember reading in a book (not today, a few years ago) That the work of the devil is not necessarily doing something right or wrong, but more over wasting your time... So I have decided the new game plan is to do... nothing...

But not nothing. Instead of looking for something better... I will do my BEST with what I have, and wait for better to come to ME.

I have never been good with passive looking, but it always seems that when I stop looking so hard, opportunity knocks in abundance... Funny. I seem to recall going through this at 20... swearing off boys and focusing on art, and when I became stable and comfortable with being me... in walked someone who also liked me (almost as much as I like me!) And while I have made many discoveries about myself, The common thread to my "unluck" in frantic job hunting, is me. And so I am taking on a new strategy.

What else did I learn today. I try not to make assumptions based on first impressions. Everyone does it, but I really try to give a person two or three days of ignorant sayings before I start writing them off... with at LEAST one opportunity to say I'm sorry...

SO I have decided, with the encouragement of a new friend and my desire to talk to someone today (not including my roommate or boyfriend, they are more like extensions of me), and against everything I have already learned about this class... I will return reluctantly to crossfit. Because I truly believe everyone/thing deserves a second chance... Plus if it doesn't go as planned, I can always go back to my new addiction for hot yoga tomorrow...

Wish me luck!

Art Both Past and Future

2010-07-25T11:00:00.000-07:00

Art transcends me. It is bigger than me, and its importance is true, and that is why I write about it with such ferocity.

There is hope for San Jose.

My friend invited me out to a trunk show opening of a place on the Alameda. The store is called "The usuals" and it was anything but usual. A small studio, it was a place for local artist, and I turned green with envy at the way this event was set up.

First, it was a trunk show for local San Jose artists work. And by artists, I mean jewelry and clothing design. Secondly, on the walls a photographer had hung his work, also for sale, and during the fashion show a local artist was performing, while aspiring models showed off clothes, and a local up and coming food cart provided some tasty treats... all 100% San Jose business...

Talk about the Diaghilev of fashion world!

The space was just right for the Venue, and more importantly than that, the products were cute, reasonably priced, and ranged from avaunt guard to timeless. I made a new friend (a jewelry designer) whom I almost started to tell about how stoked I was San Jose finally starting to do things... but I stopped myself to keep myself from sounding like a complete blathering idiot. However, my new friend was the owner of her own jewelry designs, and her work is super cute and again, reasonably priced, and you should probably look up her website HERE.

ALSO, to push my point even further (about San Jose Local things and Art). I took Boyfriend to the Rosicrucian Museum yesterday (and the planetarium). I forgot when the last time I had been there was, how awesome it is, and that, unbeknown to many CHILDREN my own age.... San Jose has some really cool stuff in it (if everyone would just open there eyes and stop complaining about what we don't have and that we aren't San Francisco). AND While I was there, The Egyptian tombs reminded me that art was used to transcend us then also. When people were buried in pyramids, and living family members had to leave them food and goods to take over into the afterlife, they would PAINT on the walls what needed to go with them. Murals were created to show the happy deceased in paradise with all his favorite things.

But stepping back what does this mean? They were right? no. There religion was better? No. It simply means that they APPRECIATED art. How do I know this, well, for starters, if it was common for this mural to be made, it meant everyone (or a good majority) could PAINT. It meant when someone said, "aunt Mildred has passed, let's make a mural in her honor", no one gulped, started to sweat and stammered about how they can't, their pictures looked like stick figures and they wouldn't do it or couldn't do it...

Those Egyptians didn't realize what they were taking for granted.

Thursday needs some talk

2010-07-25T10:37:00.000-07:00

Hello! Thursday was jam packed, and actually so was the rest of this weekend, but Thursday in itself needs Some talk to be had....

First of all, i Finished Training at my new job, and I must say.... I am WAY addicted to "warm Yoga". Not too be confused with Bikram (the Original Hot yoga) Warm yoga has the room heated to a bareable Temperature (80 something as opposed to 102) and you do a flow class in the heat. It is like getting a facial for your whole body. Once you surrender yourself to to the heat, and just embrace the sweat, it feels AMAZING!!! My one complaint is that, of course like in a facial, the next day my face was freaking out because all the toxins had been brought to the surface. BUT, better out than in I think!

Next, after warm yoga, I got a call from Our friends working with us in Dance In Transit. We are raring to go!. We have 3 green lights, and Will be hosting the festival September 18th & 19th... MARK your calendar.

My one request from readers, is to please, please, PLEASE! start advertising word of mouth. Tell you families and friends about Dance, and Art. And Also, on top of that, we are looking to advertise, but as many of you know, I have just graduated, and while I pride myself on making something of nothing, sponsorships would be GREATLY appreciated... So we can 1) do it again next year and 2) keep it as cheap for the public as possible.

Our budget for the weekend isn't huge, and we would give credit (a logo of the business, a shout out, possibly DANCE in Transit memrobelia) to anyone who could find the finances to help us. It wouldn't even be too much if split amoungst a few benefactors. Please e-mail me if you want to see our proposal! We need a big gun!

Purpose

2010-07-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

PURPOSE/ IT'S THAT LITTLE FLAME/ THAT LIGHTS A FIRE/ UNDER YOUR ASS.
PURPOSE/ IT KEEPS YOU GOING STRONG/ LIKE A CAR WITH A FULL TANK OF GAS.

I was talking to my cousin last night. I always find it interesting to talk to him because, I come from a family of engineers who love and support me, Anthony, being another artist (Sax Musician by trade, Hodge podge of artistic wizardery by passion) GETS me.

We were talking about goals (mine, specifically) and he said something that I hope to never forget. I have been graduated San Jose State for almost 7 months now, and have been Aching, Craving, DYING for stability so badly that yesterday I contemplated (gasp!) going back to get a master's... I was telling him my master plot and where I eventually want to be and he said to me, "well... Here's the positive about that. You haven't yet given up. Most people at your point, roll over, lock there dreams away, and join the rat race..."

When I read these words (did I say talking? I meant FB chatting...) A lump came to my throat, and my tears welled up and I felt my palms start to sweat with panic. I was there. I was feeling my dreams not being put into a closet by choice, they were being taken out of my hand. And I was standing on the line. I was looking at Mr. Monotony in the face, and he was extending his hand out to me. He looks kind, and safe. And he was reaching, reaching for my outstretched palm that held my hopes and dreams, reaching....

"... but you haven't done that. I remember when it happened to me. But you haven't lost sight of that, kiddo. And knowing what your ultimate goal is and taking the baby steps to get there makes me think you won't lose sight of that. You'll make it, Kiddo, you're doing fine."

And these words made me close my fist tight, turn around, and run like hell from the face that, deceivingly looks safe, but upon further inspection is mediocrity and boredom. And as I was running, nay sprinting away from the crossroads and mister monotony, I glanced over my shoulder and saw 12 year old me, tap dancing on my dad's hardwood floors til I was exhausted to master a single footed wing step. And I saw 16 year old me, choosing the dance team over my varsity softball position. And I saw 18 year old me, Dancing like no one was watching for a spot in Irvine's dance program.

... Who am I kidding? I'm not safe. And I never have been.

Again, let me clarify, I have a complete and full respect for people who are in corporate America. I respect them because they do something I know I never could do. And I would not MIND a job in an office with a set schedule that gave me nights and weekends...

.... but this is only so I could live off Ramen for 3 years, save the money I was making during the day, and become a super hero at night, creating, dancing, budgeting, for the ultimate goal, which is something that exists outside corporate America.

I am so glad I have my cousin, mentors, family & friends who continue to love, support, and encourage me. They are really what is keeping me motivated toward my purpose.

"And I'd gladly go down in a flame if a flame's what it takes to remember my name"

Mastering the art of Pain

2010-07-20T22:21:00.000-07:00

So... On my second day of work, I went to The Dailey Method in Saratoga... AND WAS THE BIGGEST BABY!!! The problem was I went balls to the wall during crossfit, and could hardly WALK to work let alone go through a whole class.

However, I feel like there is a class etiquette that I finally found explained.

Crossfit is a lot about Olympic weight lifting, and I feel there is a stigma that goes with it. The grunting and straining in lifting, I get it. You think you need it. Just BREATHE! All that grunting and straining... unnecessary. It does not work like the woman's tennis open (and that doesn't work either.)

Now, on the FLIP side to that, Dailey method is a workout based on small contractions to make lean, long muscles. They use straps and barres, and it originates from ballet and pilates workouts.

So, you can imagine my distaste when I could hear moaning and groaning from a participant about her Dailey Method workout. At first, I wanted to blame this on the early time and my lack of orange juice this morning (a sacrificed my breakfast for 10 minutes of sleep... and I still believe my priorities were aligned correctly) And then it hit me: No. No Natalie, you are not being judgmental and pretentious.

This is what I think: The straining. So you are lifting more than your body weight over your head. Ok, it's hard.

Now try and Balance all of your body weight on the two centimeters square footage of your toe. Oh wait, and while you do it, where the most uncomfortable article of clothing. You probably have a wedgie. You are probably also wearing a cake layer of makeup. And keep your head up, which is, by the way, about 2 pounds heavier than normal because of all the hairspray, pins, and sparkly Tiara.

Grunting? No. Straining? out of the question.... Instead you have to SMILE and make it look easy.

Olympic Lifting? Sure, it's hard. There's no question about it. But... While cross fit was hard, I remember dancing a 3 part, 27 minute ballet suite, making me more sore than crossfit.

And I looked way better doing it.

And this morning in Dailey Method... sure I wanted to die... but while I was in class... Ya couldn't tell :)

Jump in!

2010-07-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

That's how I feel about today. After weeks of searching I am back, in what seems to be another week of training. I have decided this is a great experience because I am learning more about fitness (on only the first day!) than I could have financially had the opportunity to do.

Today I went to a cross fit class. I have never been to one, and have heard both extreme thoughts on the workout, but I tried to go into it with an open mind. I can already tell I am going to be sore tomorrow. Not only will I be sore, I may not stand. It kicked my butt, and I loathe the thought of getting out of bed in the morning. don't get me wrong, I know it was just what I needed to have my butt jump-started off the couch, but looking back on it I can say I know now it just wasn't for me.

In other news, I am still waiting to here a final say about Dance in Transit, and my brain is so mush from my first day of training that I litereally spent 2 hour playing wii with my brother in law today.

Like my cousin Ashley, I am now starting to count the days til Labor day weekend. I feel like, even though I was unemployed for 3 weeks, I need a vacation. One unburdened by money woes, lingering thoughts of self-doubt, and inferiority.

Also, I am trying to write everyday. Being unemployed kept me busy at work, and I am hoping to keep writing... Even through the exhaustion and mushy brain.

....But this is all I can muster today.

Self-discovery at its finest

2010-07-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

I always like to think of myself as a pretty unique individual.

I have lots of close friends, and there is a lot I have in common with them, but there is also a lot I don't:

Me: Of my gosh, sometimes I can't get through my day without making a list of stuff to do
Claire: I know right?!?!? I do that ALL the time...
Me: And then I go back and highlight my list according to how it pertains to life: Job#1, My personal career, Dance In Transit, Holiday/birthdays/anniversaries/, and "extra curricular"
Claire: ... What is wrong with you?

Sometimes I think I am the unique monster my parents created, taken some of their best qualities, and a few of their idiosyncrasies, and there is no one like me on earth because of the crazy way I have modified my parents habits.....

And then my sister comes to visit.

An inch shorter and probably 30 lbs lighter ( and, if you asked her, she would probably calculate our BMI difference to), my sister proves to remain the anomaly of my life, while remaining to be my "twin". Where I feel I got Mom's 2 parts mannerisms and 1 part dad, My sister got 5 parts dad, and 1 part mom (and I speak in mathematic terms, because if you know my sister or dad that is their language). And that half a fraction difference, is what keeps the two of us in check. There are photos, laughs, and even when we were younger, CLOTHING, that tried to make us the same, but there is evidence proving that we could not be more alike.

TEXT CONVERSATION:
Sis: I'm turning into dad.
Me: What? NO! Why? I need you! don't do this to me!
Sis: Sometimes I get ideas during the day, while I am in my car, training someone, and I don;t want to forget them.
Me: I already know where this is going.
Sis: So I invested in a pad of sticky notes! And a mechanical Pencil! They are EVERYWHERE!
Me: I guess that's not so bad...
Sis: I also am keeping a box of Franzia in the Closet
Me: I'm scheduling your intervention now.

This weekend I witnessed the mother of all problems. Growing up in a big Italian Family, in order to keep efficiency, there has, and always will be "a plan" (hence my color coated schedule). Apparently, other families do not understand the sanctity of the plan, and I have often had what appears to be the spat my sister and her husband had yesterday on a regular basis with my own Boyfriend.

The problem is this: the "in-laws" are in town (or I am going there). And I have already made plans. My plans must now be changed to fit them in

(Let's keep in mind also that both Sister and I love in-laws very much, and really don't MIND changing the schedule for in-laws. We are HAPPY to do it as long as one thing is kept in mind: There needs to be a PLAN. Something to supplement my otherwise happy, productive day with more happy, productive things).

The trouble is this: There is no plan (or at least if there is, I am being filled in about the plan). So while I COULD be doing things (to keep my schedule moving), I am now, sitting around waiting for someone to 1) think of a plan, 2) tell me the plan or 3) tell me to think of a plan so I can become the leader and get this day rolling. Both boyfriend and sister's husband argue "My family doesn't need a plan, they are fine with just hanging out with each other".

My argument: Our family does too, but at least then it is stated "we are doing NOTHING TOGETHER today", so I can dress, act, and prepare accordingly (people don't realize the mental prep that goes into relaxing for a workaholic!) I have recently remedied my situation by packing a novel, because I know I will get at least 4 quality hours of reading in one weekend

Sister argument (at least this week): Our family does too, but we don't pick the second largest city (SF) in the nation with the notoriously WORSE parking situation to NOT have a destination or plan so I can drive around aimlessly to do nothing.

I bring it up because I understand where she is coming from... but for some reason when we voice our complaints to the respective significant other, I noticed that we get the same reaction: it's the look you would give someone who might be speaking in tongues to, Sheer and udder insanity.

While my sister was leaving for her destinationless road trip to SF today, i heard my father (from her) say "Insanity is trying to one solution method to get the a consistent answer, and getting a different answer everytime... I JUST WANT A CONSISTENT ANSWER!" When she said this I laughed inside and wished her luck. I've been there! But it made me wonder... Are WE the crazy ones, or are they??? I'm pretty sure the answer is us, but I would still love an answer.

A lesson For The Capt'an

2010-07-15T14:30:00.000-07:00

I rolled out of bed today thinking I had hit a writer's block. Like I had nothing left to say because I had reached a goal, and am now in search of my next goal.

And then I saw my mom.

Let's be honest, I have been very apprehensive to write directly about people recently since last time it got me into a little trouble (sorta) because I hurt someone's feelings. Well, I figured today's entry would be safe, because it's my mom, and 1) we grew up ridiculing her, and i've gotta hand it to her, she's a pretty tough cookie, and 2) She very much supports what I am doing and know anything I write about her is truth, and I am the monster she created... .

I was driving my mom to the airport today because she's going on a trip. It was only funny because it was for work and while the conversation was fine, I suddenly felt as though the roles had been reversed. Mom fiddled in the front seat, and for a moment I felt as though I could have been staring into a mirror. The year being 1990 and its Natty's first day of Kindergarten. I think it was easier for me to be nervous (though I don't recall ever being nervous) because I was a ball of energy, so when I had nervous energy, it radiated off of me as just more freakish energy. And now, here I was driving my mom to some adventure, and while she sat next to me the classy broad she is, I couldn't help but notice a tinge of excitement, nervousness, and maybe a little anxiety.

Anyways, I am driving around and am taking my mom to her terminal, and let me say, the airport has had some work done to it since She had last been there. I knew the WHOLE time where I was going, but mom (like me) as soon as she thought something was amiss immediately started to lose composure, (as I am sure I would have done a few years ago). The difference is, I wear my thoughts on my face, so it could be vague what I am thinking (she's upset, but what about?) where as mom just says them.....

NOW WAIT A MINUTE, IS THIS THE RIGHT TERMINAL, OR IS IT THE END OF THAT ONE (mom raises her voice when she is lost, on the phone, or speaking to someone taller than her. My sister does it too. It's funny. Read on)

All I could do was roll my eyes under my big sunglasses. "sit back, lady, I know where we are," I say to co-pilot anxious... She nervous laughs and sits back, still fiddling. I look over at her and say, "Don't freak out on game day."

Don't freak out on game day is my own personal Mantra I have had since I was about 16. It was then that class projects, public speaking, and performances meant more than me just talking out of my butt for 5 minutes. So with much preparation, confidence, and skill, I have always strived to not freak out for something that has been planned, you knew this day was coming, you have all the skills so why bother projects. And although I'm pretty sure mom may have taught me this growing up along with many other influential family memebers, I can't help but think that my reminder to her helped her relax a little.

The rest of the scene to me was priceless, I pull up to her terminal (which, was, by the way, about 500 feet from where she thought it was) and watched as she leapt from the car, grabbed her suitcase and thanked me for the ride. "ok, love you mom, be safe," I said in routine to all loved ones I say when I drop them off at the airport. But this time was different. What I got in response was MY own dimpled, nervous smile back, wave goodbye and words of reassurance. Except it wasn't me, it was mom

Ohhhh, so THAT's where I get that from.

Interesting to see how things come full circle.

I walk Schitzophrenic

2010-07-14T11:21:00.000-07:00

I don't even think that is spelled right.

I have been thinking a lot about the idea of being "alone". I take a pride in the fact that I feel I am a people person, and I accredit it to my huge Italian family genes (nature) and also the because I am a second child (getting one sibling before I was even around, more nature) and then from then on out finding myself in team sports, clubs, theatre groups... etc (nurture, nurture, nurture). And Now, at almost a quarter of a way through life, I am living with only one other person, after living with at least two my WHOLE life. And during the day roommate leaves for work, and I do to, but I am starting to notice how comfortable I have gotten with just being by myself....

Or AM I?

As a catholic, I remember a phase in 2000 where everyone asked themselves, WWJD? and sometimes for me this was ridiculous, sure I got the jist of it, but I often found myself asking what people whom I saw more regularly EMBODYING this message was easier. And it is something that I have carried with me since then. I do believe that copying is the highest form of flattery, and have noticed that, I really have taken what I deem as the best characteristics of my friends and trying to embody them myself, and it has become a great new study.

When I found myself in a puddle on the floor a few weeks ago in confusion, I found myself thinking what my cousin would do; she had recently started a blog "DAYS OF YOGA" that I would highly recommend... but that isn't the point, she is what I call a "super hero" (worker by day, artist by night) and I thought she works long hours too, and instead of throwing herself onto a heap on the floor, she takes yoga. She did something that made her happy. I took a Dance class that night.

I woke up a few weeks ago before an interview, and low and behold, an awful zit was rearing its ugly head where I rest my cell phone. After cleaning my phone, I pulled out my make-up like one of my college friends who is an inspiring make-up artist, and covered it, where me 6 months ago would have tried to pop it and make it worse.

Now This is my favorite one to tell. Easily. Before any of this came about, a few weeks ago my car needed some work done. I went to start it and it became indrivable. First, not only did I jump out of my car and have a conversation with a not present ex-boyfriend, cursing him for telling me how to fix this problem, but not SHOWING me, thus never giving me a chance to learn, but I also called on the suave, car savvy boyfriend's roommate thinking what on EARTH could he do in this situation? So I did what I thought he might do, and it actually kept me from the Theatrics I might have otherwise thrown in this situation.

So how does this relate today? well, I have a task, that I know I could have, but more importantly, one of my great friends has ALREADY been down this road. Today, I have dressed myself even in a fashion for which I think she would go, and am now embodying her in order to get me through what might otherwise be another super intimidating task. Hope everything works out! here we go!!!

Creativity the discipline

2010-07-13T18:19:00.001-07:00

Most people think artists are crazy. It's this misjudgment by "not creative people" that artists teeter all the time between Creative Genius and Crazy.

I was recently watching a link Where Elizabeth Gilbert (author of "Eat, Pray, LOVE") talks about creativity. (You can also here what she has to say here) The end she finally comes full circle and says something interesting, but the beginning was what I want to address.

Ms. Gilbert opens her talk speaking about how artists have a lot of pressure to always be striving to top their last biggest goal... Sorry Ms. Gilbert. But I feel like anyone who is dedicated to their job strives to be better than who they were yesterday. Coming from a background of hardworking engineers, I know that my father worked harder than most to better himself in his career. Now, maybe because it is harder for artists to thrive in our society, so they HAVE to push themselves past mediocrity.

The other issue I had with her was the way in which she talked about Creativity. Like it just runs by and if you happen to catch it cool, and if not, no biggie. And I get that people get their creativity from different places, but there is such an easier way to Solve it.

If you have read this before, you know I often quote Twyla Tharp. It's because she gets in. Not only does she take artists of this "starving" pedestal, but, she tells it how it should be: work is work is work, and creativity can be cultivated and disciplined just like anything else. The Genius are those dedicated enough to practice their discipline.

The whole speech is quite interesting, but those were the two things I felt needed critiquing. She has a lot of good to say about creativity, but my bottom line I suppose is art doesn't HAVE to be a struggle! And I'm stoked about that.

The posture of life

2010-07-12T13:48:00.000-07:00

Cross Your arms. Do it. We've done it for years... Now try and think of something happy.... Something happy without a hint of sarcasm. Now think of something negative. Much Easier, yes? There are in fact, studies that show Crossed arms are showing defense, and regardless of "It's more comfortable to stand like this" (Teenagers often say this whence having an attitude), you have STILL put yourself in physical Defense mode.

Now Pull your shoulders back. Place your Palms forward and tilt your head up slightly. Now try and have a negative thought. Now a positive one. Which one was easier? Studies also show that this is the way you stand for gratitude. Seriously! I have done this in many classes with many people and on a whole the results are the same.

To me Posture is important. As a Dancer, you always want "good" posture. My boyfriend's family are chiropractors, adding to the perfect posture pressure. But these are minute reasons why I strive for Posture.

My posture changes, when my life is about to.

As a dancer, I find myself being very aware of my body. What it is doing, what it wants, and what it is lacking. In the last six months I have found myself more aware of my body than before, and this is probably the least I have danced in my life (SAD!)

This is also the most I have CRIED in my life ever. Not just because I came from the "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" family, but also because I have mostly been a happy person. But back in february, if you'll recall my teaching at 4:45 days, I would be up for almost 20 whole hours and then was expected to function on 6 hours of sleep. And Every Tuesday, around 11:15 when I would come home, I would throw myself into the arms of my patient boyfriend and whimper from exhaustion. I did this for a whole six weeks, before he noticed (chiropractor's kid) that my shoulders had begun to roll forward. NO! I thought, not my incredible posture. I gave up that teaching gig. 4:45 did not work for me.

In the first week of a job, I was put into a pretty high stress situation. I confidently walked through this 16 hour day feeling like I was running a gauntlet, when at the end of the day, tired and feeling self-defeated (yet never showing it in public) I found myself at the door of Boyfriend's. When he asked me how my day had been, I, defeated and embarrassed having given my 100% yet feeling though I had only achieved 60, collapsed yet again, into a puddle of tears on the floor, much like how I'm sure my mother might recall me as a toddler, yet I'm sure 22 years of maturity has toned down the dramatics of this ritual. And yet when my self doubt had left my body through my tear ducts, I found myself in Yoga Savasana, "the corpse" pose, and once I made this realization, I also made one about my job and how to remedy the situation. I pulled myself of the floor and went about life. And at the end of this toxic career (where I found myself crying over multi-layered frustrations) It was finally one night where I laid again in corpse pose on the ground with a tear streaked face realizing this was not my calling. Being MISERABLE IS NOT MY CALLING. I have spent my whole life studying how to make people happy, be it through listening, communicating, dancing, or just simply being. It was in this, what inyoga practice has been noted the most important posture, that I peeled myself off the floor and carried on.

It has been through this that I have discovered and found my bearings back into my ultimate plan, but recently, I have noticed that once again, like clockwork, my posture has yet again, begun to change... And I think it might be because my life in the near future is going to do so also.

Coffee and my Family

2010-07-11T11:59:00.000-07:00

To me, when I get a Starbucks coffee certificate, I smile and nod and say thank you and act like it is the best thing known to man. How sweet it is that someone took the time to think of me...

But inside, I shake my head. This poor student/uncle/client clearly knows nothing about me.

Trust me, I can find something to spend it on (or, Gasp! Regift it) but I feel as though I must address this as an issue because I know I am not the only person that feels this way. Here is why Starbucks gift cards are not good presents for me:

1) I don't even DRINK coffee! When I do, it's REAL coffee, free of syrups and the taste of Dirt (Philz coffee comes to mind). Aside from the Heart Palputations I get when I drink real coffee, I don't fully like the taste of it, and have done many studies in my collegiate years about its affects on one's body, it's benefits and connotations, and really have decided that if I am gonna drink coffee, it's gonna be the REAL deal, and not something I could brew in my house and make it taste the same way (aka, dirt). As a side note, addicts, did you know you get more energy from drinking Orange juice than you do from coffee? The natural Sugars in OJ is a longer lasting, natural stimulant that is not as harsh on your senses as caffine. Just saying.

2) I feel guilty and than want to use the card, giving me a chore: sure, you could argue "But there's tea and food at starbucks too". Indeed. In that instance, why is this gift Certificate not to Tevana (YUM!) or Trader Joe's, places I frequent on a MORE regular basis. The fact that you have now given me a chore, suggests that you obviously have no idea what I like, but was still thinking of me (at one point during the week while you were standing in line like a sheep for your own coffee fix). And so now, in order to keep my wallet from looking like George Castanza's from seinfeld, I want to get rid of the gift card and have now tried to assimilate into this coffee culture.

3) there is nothing I like about chain ANYTHING: I haven't finished it, but I was recently told about a book called "French woman don't get fat" ( http://search.barnesandnoble.com/French-Women-Dont-Get-Fat/Mireille-Guiliano/e/9781400044801/?itm=1&USRI=why+french+women+don%27t+get+fat) and from what I understand one of the chapters talks about how supermarkets basically BREEDS obesity, and the importance of a farmer's market. It is for this very reason that I do my personal hardest to avoid chain anything, from Safeways to Starbucks, to Cheesecake factory... Nothing Personal, I just like the hummus guy every sunday morning, who knows my order, name, and wants to know how my sister whom he has never met is. I just like it better, and plus (my old roommate would chringe at this next phrase) As an Artist, I really believe it is important to support the little guy, mom and pop stores, which is Not what Starbucks is about.

So there you have it the three main reasons why I, and many like me, hope the next time you get me a certificate you can find it in your heart to maybe save that caffinated thought for another Person! one less pretentious about their eating habits.

I titled this Coffee and Family, because somehow I find that someone in my family always manages to give me a starbucks card for no reason, and also, I have recently found people just talking to talk, without thinking, and unknowingly hurting someone's feelings indirectly, because they were not thinking of anyone but themselves, and gave someone a "starbucks" as I have begun to call them, a unknowing burn because they were too wrapped up in their own conversation to actually HEAR what was actually being said.

And it isn't just family, it seems to be everyone whom I have heard have the problem recently. America is such an individualistic culture, but it behooves us to take care of each other too. No man is an island. Which is why I am grabbing my recycle bag and skipping of to the Farmer's market right now.

Namaste.

Writing is contradictory

2010-07-05T19:32:00.001-07:00

I set off to write this 2 hours ago. I can't even REMEMBER the last time I wrote. And yet, here I am, composing and composing in my head as if I were sitting down to write my first novella. Well, I have come to find that my quest for settlement is 1) ridculous and 2) ambitious. I have never thought of myself as settled, and after getting out of a chaotic and catastrophic job (which I loved for 2 months and it ripped my heart out like a juvenile boyfriend) I have found myself back in the interview process.

Only this time, more self-assured.

Unfortunately, it is because of this active self for new identity (which, I HIGHLY disagree with. What is the DEAL with being defined by your job anyways? and when you have no job, do you have no identity? I say NO! This is silly, but that still doesn't make up for my constant battle with getting up in the morning to find something to do...)

I digress, I am as I said VERY busy, Looking for jobs, staying in contact with aquaintances, reading, studying, looking for leads, and most importantly, staying true to myself: constantly BUSY! I have sat down to write this so I can feel better about myself the way boyfriend Dave does 100-300 sit-ups a day.

But for now I must away, to stand in front of my closet again to find the perfect interview outfit, drink my water, and continue to unpack the mess that has become my new humble abode in south san Jose!

More tomorrow when I am not stealing internet from the next-door neighbors!

Stealing...

2010-06-21T20:47:00.000-07:00

I am back.

Staring into my screen.

This whole day I have been thinking about this screen. IT has been haunting me... BLOG SOMETHING!!! Tell us how you feel...

My cousin just recently said in his blog that writing is like biking, you do it alone, and you always feel better when you finish than when you start.

If only I could start...

I started this blog with a Weight on my back. Normally, I would just write. And today I didn't do that. I put my big girl pants on, and fixed it.

All better.

Some days writing helps.

Today was not that day.

Goodnight, Neverland

Exactly Half

2010-06-01T15:19:00.000-07:00

And so it is June...

We are a week away from opening for Inspired Soul Dancewear.

We are 3.5 months away from Dance in Transit.

and not a break in site.

The good news is that I can honestly say I am living the dream. I get up when I want, I don;t have many time constraints during the day, but at the end of the day my work is done, and it is normally done with me, still in my sweats, probably from my couch, and 9 times out of 10 with a good movie on. I work on weekends and holidays which i LOVE because I would much rather be on holiday on some idle Wednesday than spend it on the freeway with everyone else. PLUS, I can blog when I want, and as long as I stay active and can show things for it, than I'm A-ok!

And most importantly, I still have time for dance.

Isn't that nice? For the first time In life I think I can say I am not looking at any past or future more so than I am right now. In school you are trained to Live for vacations, but looking back on life I sometimes wish I hadn't written a few of those papers with summer in mind. Sure they were good papers, but I wanted nothing more than to finish with them and dance in the grass outside or lay by the pool. I OF COURSE still have the most anal looking to do list, and am always looking toward the future to improve, but sitting here in my silent house, I can honestly say things are working out. So why is it called "exactly half" well, If you can recall back to the beginning of this year when I first graduated, I spent more time mourning or not here at all because I was scouring Craislist for a decent job. And now I have it. I once had a teacher who told me that the glass is neither half full or half empty, it is exactly half. I like to think that my journey to this point, the beginning of June, was more on the negative side, more negative than I would have preferred, anyways. And now today, I can honestly call it, and look forward too the positive rest of the year that will make this exactly half

Getting what you deserve...

2010-05-19T17:41:00.000-07:00

Girls Talk.

No seriously, I went to an all girl school and when you told one person with a texting phone (that NOT everyone had back then) something at 8:00, by 8:10 the whole school would know. I have heard that ten minute gap had closed to two now (thanks iphone) but my point is that news travels fast.

My dad once told me never to write something EVER unless you would publish it on the front of the Wall Street Journal, a rule I have kept to.

Except for just once.

Apparently, if you scroll back a few posts, I said some things that were not so nice. Mainly, because I thought the victim of said hurtful things would never read them.... To my knowledge, no one read this except my grandma and my mom (hi guys) but apparently, I had more readers than I thought....

And now I am sticking my big, dumb foot into my big dumb blog.

In a RAGE of firey anger (I have often been compared to a tempest when enraged) I wrote a blog. Maybe 12 lines long, and just like a tempest, it simmered and died. That is the beauty of the Blog: I feel emotion, I share it with the blog, and just like that, I move on. It's like a journal, only I know mom and grandma are reading this one, and sometimes sending me their critiques and corrections.

Well, it happened. I hurt someone I WAS very close to and I'm sorry. I've always been up front and honest with everyone, but when someone shuts you out of their life, what am I to do but right angry blogs....

...wait, that's not right either.

The point is I hurt someone and I'm sorry, and this blog is not about a "public apology", but more to recognize that I messed up, and I wish they would have kept reading, because they have been a topic of more then just that blog and in a 100% better light. Boo.

Live and learn I suppose. Crap.

My fickle Passion

2010-05-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt you picked the wrong career?

I did. I'm sure if you scroll back to about February you will read about my own self doubt, insecurities, and unsured-ness. And it has returned.

I have always been told I was a pretty ok writer. At 16 I was given a ton of books by a trusted family member about how to be published, refine my skills, and make a career of it. Now, almost 10 years later I am getting paid to write. That's not my soul purpose, obviously, but it is one thing that I look forward to: Sitting down with my obscure music in my house by myself and just typing what I want. And recently I have been told I was a fantastic writer, and I thought maybe all my hard work in dance were for not. Is writing my calling?

Nope.

I know, just as easy as that the thought was gone. It makes no sense, when my dad was feebly attempting to help me find a career, he asked me what it was I would do for free. My answer was Dance, and write. The truth though is that I could drop anything and just dance. In fact I have, and I go insane if I am not allowed this. However, my writing conditions are very fickle. It must be quiet, with no other text. There must be nothing standing in the way of me and my thoughts, and as you know, I can go DAYS without updating the blog... which probably means I haven't had peace and quiet since the last blog. Also, I feel my writing is good because it is untamed. I know TOO many amazing writers with such talent that went to a college to "refine" their skills, and they came out methodical, formulaic, robots. It's terrible, like an article out of a one-sided journal that my mother used to line her bird cage with. I never want that to be me. And as far as the actual writing part goes, I would prefer to think that my writing hasn't gotten better, but my thought process. Because that is all it is, I sit down and start spitting out all my thoughts, and they end up right here.

But, here comes anther roommate, and I have yet another event to work (more on THAT later) so for now, I must bid the internet, adieu.

Catch up

2010-05-10T23:36:00.000-07:00

Whew! is it really May?

I am going to make a sad attempt again to update at least twice a week. This should be easier since now I am getting paid to blog (not here, but elsewhere) and I am hoping that being in practice will help me to get my own thoughts out. Here's an update of life in 6 weeks.

1) Dance in transit was postponed from June 4th and 5th to Sept. 11 & 12th

2) I got a full time job that I love and am VERY grateful to have

3) I have began to think about my final tattoo

4) I am trying to embrace Life after college, My license has no more red stripe which is terrifying.

5) I think for the first time in life I have gained the respect of my family because I am graduated from college with a full time job and living on my own.

6) Inspired soul is up off the ground.

Unfortunately i have begun this part of my blog a little on the late side, which means i will need to (unwillingly) resume again when their are less distractions involved.

More to come on Dance in transit and Inspired soul in the near future. But for now my pillow calls

My Hero.

2010-03-25T14:50:00.001-07:00

I was walking down the hall of the Jr. High I am teaching at the other morning, and someone was instructing my students of a new assignment: research, and write about your hero... I remember having a such an assignment proposed to me.

I was 6 and sitting in the 5th row from the back of Ms. Gianninni's first grade classroom. Wiggling anxiously in my desk, we were instructed to draw someone we admired. I remember pulling out my Crayola 12-pack of colored pencils and putting my head on the desk with a pink eraser, nervous to capture the essence of my hero. about half-way through the assignment, I remember looking at the desks around me, and seeing caped crusaders and hollywood starlets. I scratched nervously at my eczema on the back of my leg as I colored in the last line of what might have otherwise been an unorthodox type of hero. He had no cape, glamourous mike stand, or even an interesting Mask or Hat. I never thought twice as my juvenile hand created an oval shaped head, big ears, squares glasses, a red plaid print shirt with two pockets, two mechanical pencils, blue pants, and big brown shoes.

Upon first glance, one might HARDLY peg my grandfather as a super hero. A soft-spoken man in his late 70's, has done more with a soft-spoken demeanor, bachelor's degree, firm handshake, and can-do attitude than anyone else I can think of (and trust me, I have been asked to think of better... I just can't do it).

This is a big year for my hero. He turns 80. He will be knighted into a Service group, and he is receiving a character award from the boy scouts, another organization he has held very near and dear to him. And not only is he receiving this award, but he has asked me to speak for him on his behalf. At first, this was no big deal, I do public speaking and entertaining all the time, but when I learned he only selected 3 people to speak and I was one, I suddenly got very nervous. My first thought was "why me?" What about one of the SCU alums? ya know, the business/engineer school, in and out in 4 year one's? Why on earth are you choosing the State school, liberal artist, hardly-made-it-out-in-6 year grandkids? I felt like the Queen of England had invited me to tea. Twyla Tharp had called and asked me to choreograph a piece with her... Batman was calling to tell me the comissioner had been laid off and I needed to step in....

And now with the interview less than a week away I am starting to get nervous... How do I sum up the awesomeness to Gramps into a clean, 20-30 minute Q & A? In a way I feel words are very contradictory for my grandfather? As a man of action, he hardly said goodbye when he hung up the phone. My grandfather never sat me on his knee and TOLD me about what to do and not do, say and not say (that was grandma's department), be or not be. Instead he sat me next to him and showed me what I believe to be the most important lesson of them all: compassion. He showed me how to treat people, modeled respect, & was always consistent.

In my generation, our society and internet age has given us an "instant gratification" complex. Well, as I won't draw any caped super heros, I will try also to exercise my patients (impatience is a trait that my grandfather DID hand me down) and I strive everyday when I see my peers getting awards and affirmations for things they do now not to be jealous. I remember it is not yet my time. I think of Papa and how he never settled for 15 minutes of fame. He was holding out for those lifetime achievements. And if I could get HALF as far as he did, I will be lucky.

And I hope that I don't say anything wrong next week in interview....

Dreams of Clean

2010-03-24T17:17:00.000-07:00

I USED to keep my room clean.

No, really. When I first moved to college, I had a tidy room. IT was decorated and happy, and everything had a place. It was really nice.

Now, instead of having clean, I have a roommate who is clean. What he defines as clean is throwing away things that aren't his, hiding the mess in the couch cushions, and delegating people to do chores. Once, I spent two weeks looking for a paycheck that had come in the mail. I didn't even know it had COME until I found it, buried in a pile on the kitchen counter, with mail that is supposed to go to our landlord.

They say that the house is a clue to the soul. I believe this to be truth. I.... COULD clean my room, but my roommate Jolie and I have been talking about moving out for the past 3 months, and my dresser has been broken since we moved in 18 months ago (crappy swedish furniture...) So now all I can think of is boxes. I LONG to purge my room of textbooks, organize my clothes so that they are not crammed into a drawer and wrinkled... but everytime I move something out of my cluttered sanctuary, in a flash it is gone thanks to my nervous roommate and his obsessive "cleaning". His Nervous energy reminds me of the squirrel from the ICE AGE Series, and while he is my friend, I want nothing more than to take MY playstation two from HIS room, pack it into an organized box in the back of my car, and never have to worry that another paycheck will ever go missing. And my playstation can go in MY room, my OWN ROOM since 5 years ago, where everything can have a home again.

BROKEN

2010-02-07T11:04:00.000-08:00

I feel like my shirts are very reflective of my moods...

This next one I count as a band shirt because 1) I can't wear it without thinking of music and 2) while it doesn't reflect a band, the lyrics are on the inside.

TWLOHA (To write love on her arms) is an organization started for awareness of teenagers who cut themselves, have suicidal thoughts, etc. If you want my opinion, I think its pretty messed up that our society even NEEDS an organization like this, but I have also been working in customer service for long enough to see parent/child relationships recently, and I have definitely seen a few interactions go down where I thought to myself, "your giving your child a complex"....

In short, there need to be lessons on how to parent... My parents couldn't teach it, but I bet my Grandparents could.

Back to my shirt. TWLOHA pops up at most emo-culture shows, Warped tour to name the biggest. The shirt I own was sponsored by Paramore, and It is 1 of the 2 paramore shirts I own. Having said that, let me tell you about Paramore. They wail. Sure they could be your run-of-the-mill pop punk, but there is one thing that sets them above the rest: their 19/20 years old singer, can sing. I remember seeing them before they were on MTV, when Hailey (singer) was only 18, with her bright orange micraphone, and thinking that this is what I had been looking for from punk rock. Avril started down this road and sold out... and Hailey's voice is far superior for such a peanut of a girl.

So the Lyrics to their song "We are broken" are on the inside of the TWLOHA shirt, which i thought was a very interesting choice. The song I think might have been written for the cause, but if it wasn't it was written perfectly for it. The Teenage angsty lyrics talk about how broken the singer is, it asks how do your restore innocence, etc. etc. And I appreciate the choice of it going inside the shirt because i'm sure if it weren't people would be trying to read them all day off my back and I would never get anything done. I wore it friday for one pretty simple reason: Dancing recently has been grueling, and I personally, Physically and egotistically speaking, have been feeling a little broken myself recently.

Half of my Heart

2010-02-07T10:47:00.000-08:00

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends...

No, I wasn't. But I started my Project with my most current Purchase of John Mayer's "Battle studies" T-shirt, and those lyrics are some of the most poetic I think on the album. I didn't want to wear it first because it is my new favorite (as it is the newest to the collection), but something in my recent past has been drawing me to wear it first. Maybe its the subdued navy blue that has reflected my mood recently, or maybe its the fact that his melancholy lyrics have reflected some of my own feelings about this part of my life. Either way, I wear it with pride, normally under my red wool sweater I got 2 years ago as a christmas gift from my mother.

I especially like this t-shirt because I have a total of 4 john mayer t-shirts in my collection, all of which have special meaning. What I like about Mayer is that his albums tend to parallel my life (as any good musician makes his followers think... that he is speaking straight to them). I recently read his most current article in Rolling stone about him where he admits that this newer album is not his best work, which made me like him as an artist even more. Mayer is real. He is a work in progress; HUMAN, which i think many celebrities forget about. And while his job is to make sales, he has just admitted to his product being sub-par, and I think this makes him even more sellable.

But it isn't even ABOUT that! Its about he wrote an album, another poetically twisted novel like piece of work, and he is calling it sub-par and I still listen to it whenever I have 45 minutes to spare, because I believe it is one of those albums that needs to be listened to beginning to end.

And my FAVORITE song right now, "Half of my heart" (The lyrics I opened with), Mayer is telling someone that he cannot only function with half of his heart, which I relate to. I have worked several jobs at the same time, gone to school, and tried to remain a good Daughter, granddaughter, cousin, student, girlfriend, and burned out, & I feel myself doing this again. Growing up on a team has taught me to do everything with 100%, and when you work 6 jobs, XYZ, its damned near impossible to do that... My fuse has been lit, and Jobs, "I can't keep loving you/ with half of my heart..."

Failure is Not an option

2010-02-01T17:00:00.000-08:00

Winners don't quit, they rest.

So after a week of "resting" (read: crying into my pillow silently everynight), I have decided on a few things for February:

1) No more 'what if's' about failure. It is just not happening

2) No moving back into your parentals. You're a big girl now.

3) No filing for unemployment: the ULTIMATE act of failure if you want MY opinion. (this was not even an option, but some people think it is, so I will dismiss it now)

I also have a to do list for February:

1) Sign up for my personal Trainer license

2) Think about the Zumba Certification (barf)

3) Wear my Band shirts.

I need to get my personal trainer license, so I can start working (like, more non-stressful hours). I decided I have some time to allot for studying, so long as I knuckle down, I could potentially have it by the middle of April, early May.

Zumba is not something I want to succumb to, but if i get desperate it will happen, it is a good gig and people like it. I just am having a hard time justifying that right now because I feel like you need to be a special breed of person to make that stuff happen, and I don't know if that's the person I want to be...

I have often joked that I have enough band shirts to wear them all twice in the month of February and not wash. I pride myself on this because they were all bought at concerts. This is another artistic exercise. Everyday I wear one I will remember why I got it (for some of these shirts it will be hard), but I always say that I am continually inspired by music, and so, there you are. I am not starting today, and Tuesdays in life right now are HELLISH!, so I will start the exercise on wednesday.

While I am here, I must thank everyone who has been supporting me through this. My sister has listened to me cry every monday in anticipation of tuesday, My grandmother who I often call to let her know I am still working, and Jolie, my bestfriend/roommate who has dealt and given advice about my mood swings from the beginning, and all three of them continually reminding me that God has a plan.

... But seeing as its february, I feel like I need to make a public affirmation to Dave. Dave and I have been unofficially dating for a year now. And a lot has changed in a year. A year ago I was fearless, with an ego and a vision and I thought I was invincible. I know that is the girl he fell in love with. The fearless, sassy, egotistical me who could do anything she wanted, and that's that. And today I stand before him, and God and Everyone else, a scared, tearful, roller-coaster basket-case who can't seem to get it together. And he could leave my one ring circus if he wanted, but he doesn't. And that has shown me that he really cares about me, because if I were him I probably would have been out by now (did I mention I can't STAND myself right now?)

Lucky for me, Dave doesn't read my blog. He despises public displays of affection, and I have been good to keep it to a minimum, but Dave has his own things to worry about, that I believe to be FAR bigger than my issues, and he has been a solid, patient, unwaivering presence in my life, who every time I want to throw my hands up, cry in hysterics and run away from this life, lovingly grabs me by the hands and leads me back to my goal. He reminds me that I can do whatever I put my mind to, and I am grateful to him for that.

Super Heros

2010-01-31T17:10:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about it for a while... and... I have decided that most artists are like super heros.

How? Well, think about it, most super heros have ordinary lives... and than, magically, at the end of the day, they transform and suddenly can do what they love to do: save the world.

I have been graduated for a whole month... and it is hard being a full time super hero. I have tried on numerous occasions to update, and failed because I was too busy crying to myself how hard life was. and that's not what I want to be sharing with everyone. I don't want to tell the internet that I have lost 12 pounds because I can't afford food. I don't want to share I can't sleep because I am counting the dollars and cents in my wallet... And I definitely don't want to share that I am having second thoughts about my Certification to be an exercise teacher. But the balance is exactly that: It's hard to be a full time super hero... EXTREMELY HARD. I never liked spiderman for this reason... I always wished I could be a bruce wayne...

So these next couple weeks... perhaps months... will be a test... A test of strength. Of sanity. Of dedication. Because every week I commit, and by the time sunday rolls around, I get an awful sinking feeling and start second guessing.

The options:

To struggle. To grin and bare it. To starve so I can put gas in my tank to make it to the city. To Work 4 jobs on opposite sides of the city. To be poor and happy teaching young kids Why dance is important.

To assimilate. To get the desk job. To be stable. To be stable and die inside making paper shipments and other people's dreams your biggest concern....

I keep saying that option one is what I want, but I can slowly feel the sand sliding out from under me with no foot hold. And now that I am starting a company, and dancing in the city... I am thinking that maybe.... JUST maybe... I could assimilate to civilian life. To walk among them. To talk and act and dress like a true 9-5er. And I look at super heros before me, other artists, my cousin, who did find a 9-5 until they could do what they wanted.

And I ask myself... COULD I be happy with that???

I totally cheated...

2010-01-27T22:02:00.000-08:00

I would normally update here, but I am so dissatisfied with everything I have tried to write recently, the large block has been cast on my brain as to how to reflect on my own life...

HOWEVER, for the last couple months, My friends and I have embarked on a new endeavor, to which needed some attention. I am directing you to that site NOW... it is not a "instead of" for this blog, only an excuse to let my creative juices take over, because I think if you are reading this blog, you probably want to know about the other one too...

http://inspiredsouldancewear.tumblr.com

Happy reading!

Stumbling...

2010-01-12T18:53:00.000-08:00

The blog is titled "Dancing through Life." Which right now seems to be a HUGE misnomer. Dancing, when done properly, looks effortless. But it's work. It Hurts. There are bruises, and sores, and sleep deprivation.

Such. Is. Life. The only difference is the fun. When the curtain opens and you hear the applause, there is something gratifying. And it is all worth it.

I have recently taken on the role of a group fitness instructor... and so far it is so hard.

So. Hard.

The trouble is that people don't like change. So when a fresh faced, new kid shows up, no on likes it. And It's not paying yet. And when I come home, in the rain, to a kitchen window opened, and the heater blasting... It makes me upset. Call me my dad, but when I am working hard to make money, I don't like it to be wasted... out the window... in the form of heat.

And I know its supposed to be Hard the first couple months... And I know its only the first week. But I am not sure I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... And if Anything, I have learned that I really am only meant to do one thing: Dance.

In the Spirit of Christmas.

2009-12-15T19:41:00.000-08:00

I have done it.

I am 14 hours away from my last final... and 3 days away from my certification test. and while I tried to think of who i was and how I got here in May when I walked, I found it hard to do because I knew I would be back this semester, so I just couldn't take it seriously.

And yet, here I am. Maybe it is because of Christmas, or my productive day, but I found myself compiling a list of all the people who I should, and would thank. Affirmations have always been a huge part of my life, and I think maybe now, at the beginning of a new chapter in life, I would take the time to affirm them, as I know when I win a Tony, I would never have enough time:

To my biggest supporter, and trail blazer, My sister Chrissy: For reminding me we come from a family of champions.

To my Brother Danny: who always keeps me thinking outside the box.

My mother: Who always told me I could do anything I wanted, and meant it.

My Father: for being my biggest creative inspiration of my life. From making up his own game, being his own boss, and never understanding me, I will always strive for his approval (read: affection).

To My Grandfather, Papa Q.: who reminds me daily that while most people strive for 15 minutes of fame, We strive for lifetime achievement awards. Also, you can go further in life with a positive demeanor, hard work ethic, and honest heart then any certificate, degree, or trophy will take you.

To My Grandma Q: Who reminds me that being a lady is not old-fashioned or stuffy, but classy and appealing

To My Grandma D: for giving me, what my roommate calls "Passion in my blood".

To my deceased grandparents: They are watching me.

To Andy and Else Sinsigalli: My pseudo-parents, whom even while raising their own children found a way to support and guide me in all my decisions.

To Karen and Dan Brady: for helping shape my young adolescent mind into a positive healthy experience:

To Mary and Melissa Muntz: for teaching more than just ballet barre and how to dance in 2.5 inch heels.

To Carolyn Felker, My first and oldest boss, for giving me the option to leave and come back as my schedule allowed. I would not have taken the risks I did in college had I not always had an income to come back to.

To Jolie: for being my shoulder to cry on, my listening wall, my whipping post, and my partner in crime throughout my college career.

To Gary, Fred, and Janie: for reminding me to take chances, be arrogant and to always do something.

To Jason Becker and Wayne Cope: two people I would never make a lasting decision about without weighing the pros and cons with them.

And hardly last, but all my closest friends through school: Christine, Denise, Shawn, T.J., Vanessa, Alex, Dante, Kiersten, Charlene, Megan, Morgan, Andrea, Heather, Corinne, Jamie, Claire, Rachel, Savs, Stephanie, Ash, Renae, Bridget, Toby, and Matt: for giving me the support, guidance, and strength to be myself.

Back to the books....

A christmas story

2009-12-07T10:38:00.001-08:00

It's more funny than to teach, but I'm goiong to tell it anyways...

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who went to a catholic school... There was nothing worng with going to a catholic school, but they did wear uniforms, whihc is where the conflict comes in this story. As a result, all the children at this catholic school could express their individuality in only one of 2 clothing mediums: Hair and Clothes, and even hair had a no hat policy.

It was in these accessories that the little girl developed her hat/shoe addiction, and had every hat and shoe accessory any little girl could possibly ask for. Her impressive hat collection had everything; newsboy caps from her grandfather, a pink brimmed hat for playing with grandma in the garden, a red Baret for family church... This little girl had everything she could possibly ask for.

Until one day, there was a new shoe in town. It was delightful! So sleek with high-tops, the crisp white laces, right down to the light up sides of the outside support that made the wearer's feet sparkle when they walked. The little girl in the commercial taunted the little girl, riding her bike to catchy music on the commercial, when she pumped her bike pedals the shoes lit up too! Obviously, these shoes were too good to be true...

.... L.A. Gears.

The little girl wanted them SO bad. She PINED for her L.A. Gears, until the next day after Saturday morning cartoons when she first saw the commercial, she went to school, and alas. Everyother little girl had the L.A. Gears that the little girl wanted. They were even more Perfect in person, but when 12 little little girls wore them, it looked as if they fit in with the uniform the girl had to wear everyday. And so her heart sank, because she knew now that she would never own a pair of the BEloved L.A. gears. On one hand, they were the very essence of everything she had hoped for in a shoe: classy & elegant. On the other hand, if she ran home and asked her generous parents for a pair, the magic was ruined, because she would always, even on weekends, be reminded of her uniform, and how it was only a matter of time before she had to go back to school.

And so she never asked, and in turn never Got the L.A. Gears.

Several years went by, and the little girl grew up. Her addiction to shoes and hats had slowly shifted to hats, shoes, scarves and bags. She had so many and was so happy, but now that the girl was ending her degree and moving into the adult world, she was hoping to find something to help her start her working career. What she sought after was a new bag: something practical and grown up; sophisticated and functional.

One day, in her last month of going to school, she found such a bag. The little girl saw her two best friends with the most beautiful bag she had ever seen. "what is that?!" The Little Girl cried.

"Lululemon" Her friends replied, "we each have one! Aren't they so functional?"

She ran right home and told her generous parents of the magical bag, but they laughed at her, telling her they bag was silly and not pretty. But, it didn't need to be pretty, it needed to be practical and functional. And it didn't matter that she found it at school, she now loved school and wanted to use it to remember the great education she had gotten. The little girl pined for her bag, and it laughed at her from the store window. When the time came for her to really get her degree, the economy was not in the best shape it had ever been in, and the thing that the little girl had been studying for so many years was dying like an exotic animal in the rainforest. So the little girl came up with a plan.

She ran home, only 18 days til chirstmas, and wrote out her plan to Santa.

"Dear Santa:
I know it is only 18 days until Christmas, and I have tried so hard to be a good girl this Year. Santa, this year, all I would like for Christmas is for California to remember how important art is to our community.

Santa, I know you are busy, and I know that this seems like such a big request. I know how to make this happen, Santa, but in order to do so, I might need a new tool. So Santa, if you cannot bring arts back into the bay for Christmas, can you please bring me a lululemon bag?
Love always,
The Little Girl"

The wind down, evil energy drinks, and the turkey tradition

2009-11-23T11:11:00.000-08:00

So, remember my pledge to stop using electronics before bed.

It worked. Sleep is great, and man, it really saves during cold and flu season. In fact, the ipod isn't even allowed on my dresser at night anymore because of how tempted I am to play mindless games on it all night.

I once read in a Donald Miller book "Blue like Jazz" that the devil's work wasn't necessarily bad deeds, but wasting your time. I SO AGREE! Other days when I could be writing my to-do lists, and (heaven forbid) actually accomplish EVERYTHING on the to do list, I consider a sucessful day. But a lot of times I could be playing dumb games and say to myself "but I almost have the high score... I will remember to do that..." and oops, big surprise, it doesn't get done.

On my own rant, I am pretty sure that on top of wasting time being the work of the Devil, wasting your money should be on that list two. Did you know, that an apple does more for a person to keep them awake and alert than any soda, coffee, or energy drink? AND, last I checked, juice was cheaper than energy drinks, not to mention an actual apple is 39 cents at trader joes... and your drinking WHAT??? does anyone ELSE see how that doesn't make sense? what? it doesn't come with a cool logo on it? or in an awesome can?

"But Nat Q. I don't sleep..."

Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe you're not sleeping because you're pouring crud into your body that has side effects to it that will keep you awake? Wanna break the no sleep cycle? STOP DRINKING CHEMICALS, go one day tired, eat RIGHT, and guess what, within 2-3 days you can be sleeping like a baby again. I challenge anyone with sleep issues to DROP the ENERGY DRINK! In my opinion, it is a gateway to waste more time and money on stuff youd don't want and won't need if you just treat your body nice. Come on peeps, seriously, you only get one!

Think about it, if you eat an apple, where's the harm? If it's your first day, your pipes might get clean (only REAL negitive side effect) and you'll be alert full, and up on your immune system. What if you drink an energy drink? Well, you pour chemicals that haven't been around long enough to know if they have long term effects on you or not (ever read the side where it says pregnant women shouldn't drink that? that's why...), you won't be full, and if you're like me, you'll have the shakes that will put you in a weirder mood than sleep deprivation. and guess what? it does NOTHING for your immune system... so, you get sick, which means you are now putting MORE chemicals into your body, which probably haven't been tested with your energy drink chemicals, and now you have a tummy ache, weird rashes... you can't sleep, nothing tastes good, etc. etc. etc.) It makes me want to cry for my peers that insist it is the eveil apple keeping them awake at night... and not the 1000 of chemicals their body has taken during the day. I mean, sure the example is extreme (a little) but all those "littles" add up.

On a brighter note, Thanksgiving is just around the corner and my sister & my's thanksgiving tradition is gonna be a great one. The tradition: no tradition! But we always take "Spanksgiving" (as we have named it) as an opportunity try new recipies and adventures.

This year's theme: "Side Spanksgiving". On the menu: nothing but sides... I think we are even gonna try Lobster mac & cheese, which means boiling a real live lobster.... I'll let you know 1) if it happens and 2) how it goes....

I'm going to say it.

2009-11-16T14:19:00.000-08:00

Instant Messeging is ruining my life.

There! I said it.

Another sleepless night came and went and I awoke this morning with something I have not had in a long time...

Is that... It can't be.... nope. That's definitely... the sniffles.

It has been at LEAST two years since my last cold. And I attributed it to my lifestyle change my last year of college when I could afford to be sick, I would go to bed around 10 or 11, and eat only the best for me. I'm not talking Three Squares, friends, I'm talking hippie-green, Kale and broccoli Smoothies followed by tofu scramble for dinner (Don't knock it til you've tried it). And this diet of fortified Greens and limited processed sugar kept me more energized and healthy than any vitamin tablet I have ever choked down.)

And Now, fast forward to now. I have NO Dance, I workout when I can (which I figured out is a lame excuse that office people have come up with) where I didn't get off my phone/Ipod touch/ e-mail til... 12:30 in the freaking morning!!! No wonder Mister sniffles has come to visit.

I am making myself a promise, with you, blog, as my witness: I am turning off

If you could see me right now, I am doing robot moves like I am winding down....

::robot Moves Here:: Turn-ING-OOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFF....

No more electronics an HOUR before bed. I don't care if Twyla Tharp herself is on the phone!

I'll let you know how it goes... it seems like a good idea.

Friends: I'm BACK!

2009-11-16T13:47:00.000-08:00

IT finally happened.

I knew this day would come, and it finally did.

I was in the shower this morning, and 16 year old me smacked me upside the head... and it felt good.

That's the punch line. I'll Tarantino it back so you know what I'm talking about.

When I was 16, I couldn't wait for college. I chose my clothes and habits specifically to prepare for it. I wore my tube socks and sweats like a badge of pride, I was too athletic to wear a skirt. Also, I was training to be a dancer, and I remember it being November, and the vivid memory that popped into my head was me wearing my ankle weights under my sweats, so I could sit and do my chem calculations WHILE sculpting my inner thighs for the grande battements that were gonna kick my but only a mere 6 hours later. I... was a multi-tasker.

Weird? It gets weirder.

I also used to do weird things like inspect the cracks in the cement to try and find a pattern. or watch ants to see if they had any weird patterns that I could steal and make dance formations... and if anyone ever caught me doing such odd things and have the nerve to ask me what I was doing. My answer was plain and simple...

"I'm conducting research."

One last thing... I have this thing about sleeping dirty. It used to be because I would dance so hard during the day I NEEDED to shower at night, there was no other option.

So... when I was showering this morning (because now I have to actually look like a person during the day) A voice came. God, my conscience, or whomever, came to me in the voice of 16 year old me. And they had a clear message:

"stiff."

Excuse me? I replied in my head. I had not slept well, which is why I was up.

"You've given up. Your a stiff. A working. Stiff."

and I wanted to argue, but there was one minor problem: My voice was right. I was on my way to a 12 hour day where I would get NO physical activity in, which was why I was not sleeping at night.

Well, I could have argued. I could have blamed society, my bills, school. But not today, a very important other voice came into my head...

"If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the change..."

And I remembered My project with the City to be launched in JAnuary.

It was like I was in training all over again.

I got out of the shower and moonwalked (in my head) to my closet to pick out my outfit. While I have joined the working stiff world, I had to pick my outfit for the day carefully. JEans with a flair at the bottom.

Without HEsitation, I donned my jeans and ran down the stairs, leapt onto the big green couch and reached behind it where the wall meets the couch and pulled out....

... my blue ankle weights.

And as sure as I am typing this to you now, friends, I am working my hip flexors, greator trochantor, and Solar plexus from my desk.

Oh and that's not all.

With the help of Keri Smith (http://www.kerismith.com/) I became "An explorer of the world" once again... I took note of EVERY corner on the way to school from my house to the light rail to the office in which I am sitting now (Spiders do NOT congregate on the struts near the light rail station on fruitdale... the do at the convention center; if you are looking for a file folder at sjsu, it is PROBABLY in a corner... see?)

And when the VTA contacts me in January, I will be ready.

Friends, I am back.

Back by popular demand

2009-11-09T13:54:00.000-08:00

Hello from Natalie Land!

The forecast: cloudy. With a chance of tears.

How do you help someone that can't help themselves?

I know this blog started as thoughts on creativity, but since I am on Dancer hiatus (which I am HATING, btw,) I have nothing to reflect on but life. Real life. And this is my real life.

A Loved one just took a hard hit. A born and bred pilot. Colorblind.

Go ahead, laugh. it is a little funny.

Anyone who knew this would have figured out something to do with his life by now, but not him.

He was born to do one thing, and that is fly.

So when he took his colorblind test this past friday and (obviously) failed. The results were dire. We are talking 11:30am drinking, followed by wall punching, looking for a new car or bike, talking about becoming a truck driver, and laying in the dark, staring at the ceiling. It HURT, friends. To watch my other (and sometimes better) half go to a dark and scary place that I personally have never been to... It hurt. So I did what any one would do: I searched for an answer.

Well, after not much hunting I found an answer. Across the nation, on the other coast, resides the one AND ONLY M.D. on the continent who specializes in color correction. I of course emailed him immediately to give friend (and myself, i suppose) a glimmer of hope.

Of course, after a long weekend of waiting, here I sit today with my shoulders in my ears. We have heard back from our doctor color friend. The appt. would be 4-6 hours and.... 8,000 dollars.

I reread the number. $8000. None to be covered by insurance.

And it was at that moment, and how I sit now, feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Like someone has me by the scruff of my neck and it is keeping me from putting my shoulders were they belong. And all I can do... is type.

What do you do?

To make matters worse, I went to my regularly scheduled staff meeting and we were going around in a circle to talk about our strengths and how to perfect them... and while my peers went around and talked about themselves, I couldn't even listen...

Peer Mentors, that's who we are. Before college I served a similar position in my church. I help. All I want to DO is help people. If I could stand on a street corner and listen to someone's problems, tell jokes, and tap dance to make people happy I would do it... But how do you fix the unfixable? How do you repeal an outdated rule, and above all, how do you deal with someone whose passion has been savagely ripped from there hands.

I Pray. HE knows I've been praying. But HE also know I am a woman of action so here I am again at my keyboard, restless from my inability to help. And what could I tell my peers, while in this time of day all I could think about was how useless my strengths really are...

"My best strength is my organization skills. I came from a big busy family and as a result I have scheduling down to a science. There was a point in my life where I worked 6 jobs and had 23 school units, which can attest to my organization. I have often been compared to Monica Geheller, and the only reason I know who she is, is because there was a period of time where I scheduled TV into my own schedule, and the only thing that was ever worth watching during my 6 o'clock-6:28 schedule was reruns of friends..."

What good is this strength when you find a situation... a REAL life situation, that is perplexing. I cannot organize his eyes to see green or white, I can't even get a job organizing someone ELSE's life so they can pay me to pay for his procedure.... so I can only ask again....

What does one do?

A reoccuring theme in life

2009-10-28T10:58:00.000-07:00

Oh, the silicon valley.

I was forced Monday and yesterday to stop and live in 15 years ago these past two days when I left my ipod at home. I never really stopped and thought about how dependant I was on it until this monday when I sprinted to the light rail and realized I had forgotten, not the ipod itself but the earbuds that make it useful. Of course, being constantly inspired by music, I started to panic thinking about my 6 hour day in my cubicle. So I started prepping myself listening for other music to hear during the day. It was a sunny Monday, and i had just been up a mere 45 minutes, so I was not ready to surrender to another case of the mondays... this monday was going to be different.

So I started hearing the humming of the rail car. The mmmmhmm's from the lady on her phone. the clicking of the nervous student behind me.

I started listening.

Hey this was fun. It was like I had eyes again. What I realized was most of the people I was riding with had their ipods in, and thus, were in their own little world, and I felt like a spy. I was encroaching on their "me" time, and no one knew because they were so wrapped up in their books, ipods, and phones, doing their best efforts to not look at anything other than the electronic they held.

Entertained by my new game, I lept off the train and started listening more. The street cleaning noise whirred, the leaves on the sidewalk (sidenote: where DO those leaves come from in downtown? it's all structure!), The clomping of the a woman's "big girl" shoes as she hurried down second street. Enamoured with my urban soundtrack, I soon heard something familiar and out of place...

Was that.... was that a flute?

And as I rounded the corner there it was. A man with a backpack stood leaning up against a lamp post with a backpack and a flute. And he was playing his soul. It was slow and loud, and he played with his eyes closed. What IS it about live musicians with there eyes closed? Ah, yes, it means they are playing for themselves... which can be great and not at the same time. You can be there or not, but they are gonna wail this flute anyway! And as I appoarched him, I wished I could help him out in someway other than a smile and a head nod as I hurried to work. I wished I could have put my backpack down and had an improve session right then with him to show my appreciation. But i could not. I looked around to see if anyone else was appreciating it the way I was!

Of course not. Too wrapped up in their top 40. In their blackberries.

::sigh:: I was only grateful I had not been that today... And yet after the events of Saturdays gig I was sad that I was not able to give him the attention he deserved. And I kept walking.

Sometimes I wonder how well i would do if I attempted to cut the distractions out of my life. And than I find I rediscover a new band and get zapped back into the rat race.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there is some studying to be done with my new acapellla cd i just bought off itunes....

Something to believe in and Contact improve

2009-10-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

I have recently been rediscovering what it is like to live in the here and now. After a long jounrey of living everywhere EXCPET now, I was finally introduced to Contact Improve by Scott Wells at my university, and the things i learned in his class about dance and life I plan on taking with me everywhere I go. This is relevant because of the way our society works.

This weekend my band played a fund raiser event. It. Was. Rough. Not because we were unprepared. I, in fact, give MAJOR kudos to the people who tried to organize and plan it, but the crowd must have missed it was a concert, because when I got up to perform, I felt more like I was at a golf course than a concert. We were getting nothing... and these poor suckers had paid MONEY to sit and look like I was killing them softly. And in turn, if you read my previous blog, this was really just bringing MY energy down and back into this awful funk of limbo I have been feeling for weeks, and apathy was rearing its ugly head at me....

Because of the outside venue, just about anyone could wander along to hear us... and that is exactly what happened. Out of nowhere, came a homeless man and sat nearby, and it wasn't more than two minutes that he sat before he jumped up, came within feet of microphone...... and Danced.

He. danced.

In that moment, this man who had nothing but the cart he had wheeled to our site, was happy enough to dance.

And guess what... people, these people who paid money, were LAUGHING at him.

Now, maybe I am biased because I have been studying dance for longer than anyone there, but there is a Japanese proverb that says, "We are fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance."when I go to a concert, and I have to pay my hard earned money that I make at a less-than- fun job to go to a fundraiser, a concert, or anything, I am gonna get my monies worth. And this man, was satisfying his need to express an appreciation to us for bringing him this joy to his day... So he danced.

And suddenly, my grey cloud lifted from my head, and the whole band's energy seemed to swing upward, because FINALLY, it was like we weren't just playing for ourselves anymore.

And yes, you could argue that my peers were laughing because they were uncomfortable... but you could also argue they were laughing because they were ignorant.

I am HOPING it was the former.

BAD BLOGGER

2009-10-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

Oh heck, one day I will remember to update this on a regular enough basis that I will have regular followers....

So, I am sitting in a place that I know as "the black pit of despair" trying to rearrange my life in a way that is fitting to "Life after college".

I think I have finally figured out WHY I used to pile on all the work in the world in order to fill my time (other than it made good money).... I didn't have to THINK about the future! I would book myself so far in advance that I had to live in the present so that I didn't have to plan (or I had to plan so meticulously that all I could think about was the process). Well, it just won't work anymore, its time to face the music. As a part-time student and part-time worker I feel like I am sitting in a bad musical dance montage: "Too young to take over/ too old to ignore/ Gee, I'm almost ready/ but, what for?" (P.S. you get nerd points if you can name that musical). My super parent recently sent me a youtube clip of one of my peers I went to school with for 12 years. But it wasn't just that, it was the girl that lead the judgement and ridicule of my junior high career... and the video clip was of her great success she was coming into at our age... No one can make me feel like crap the way my parents can....

In other news, the VTA accepted my proposal, but they said don't contact us until January for anything. So... now I guess I should start contacting the city as we are 12 weeks from January. If everything goes according to plan, the Govenator will be signing my diploma and I will be on my way out of here and into real life before I know it... ::Sigh:: if only I knew what that entailed. Nervous and Scared are the words of the day... but for now I will read for my anthropology class. Blah.

... And there it went

2009-09-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

I suck... it seems as soon as I go back to school I let everything go to the way side.

I have met with many people since I have been back to get Trolley dancing up and running here. Tomorrow I meet with Gary Masters, the director of SjdanceCO, about possibly working under his non-profit.

The momentum is building and I hope it doesn't pass... But as for testing the waters... here it is.

And I PROMISE to update my progress after tomorrow.

But i need to create... I an dying, itching to create. SOMEthing. ANYthing.

One song: glory!

2009-08-25T22:31:00.000-07:00

I'm writing one great song before I....

I am SORRY I did not update about Linda Rondstat at San Jose Rotary. She was FAB! She spoke about how Music and Science go hand and hand (she was speaking about Art and Science, as they are supposed to co-exist, but because she is a singer, she focused on Music). I got to shake her hand and introduce myself. I plan on getting her notes from her talk to use in the dance and film class I am helping T.A. this semester.

So Class has been a shit factory and the state of the university is so sad, but I have my classes, and I am set for the first week, so number 1 is taken care of (as selfish as that is)....

BUT, VTA has called and e-mailed, they are VERY interested in my proposal for a "trolley dance-esque type dance event. That is the next assignment: FINISH THE PROPOSAL.

It gets late (ooo! 10:30!) and I grow weary, but I will be sure to keep the followers (anyone out there???) posted. I have a great feeling about the semester!

~Nat Q.

How do you eat an elephant?

2009-08-11T18:33:00.000-07:00

When I was in High School calculus, my teacher was an Ex-marine officer. Right before he would dive into a huge, 20 minute proof, he would pose this question to the class... How do you eat an elephant???

The answer, of course, is "one bite at a time"...

So. the bite we took out of the dance project today was a two step process... we went and looked at a venue (GEM!) and Spoke with Mr. Fred and his wife about some people/places that might help us out.

The Gem I am speaking of resides right over O'Flaherty's bar and grill... I pub in san Jose which I used to frequent almost every thursday.... so when I realized where it was I felt silly that I never knew about it. Its a sweet setup, and the staff is SOOO friendly, so we definitely plan on keeping them in mind as a potential venue in the near future. I am STILL blown away that I didn't know of its potential even now. Regardless, happy to have found it...

Next stop of the day was a visit with Mr. Fred and his wife. It started a little frustrating because I was looking for answers to questions I hadn't yet formed, short of "How the heck can I pull this off successfully?" Mr. and Mrs Fred are very animated, and Mrs. gave us so much good information about who to contact next, and where to go. And what Marketing tactics we could use. So, after an hour of being bombarded with information, we thanked them relentlessly, and scampered back to the Laboratory to debrief and organize our strategy.

Tomorrow's assignment: Go to San Jose Rotary. I was so generously invited tomorrow to go see what they are all about... I am unsure of what good this could bring to Operation Dance Event, but I feel like I will get some opportunity just by showing up.

I only wish San Jose would have told me BEFORE I got my degree all of the theaters in the area. Maybe this can be added into the program, now that I know that it's missing.

Until tomorrow!

~Nat Q.

Another Mammoth adventure... and a lead?

2009-08-10T23:40:00.000-07:00

Hello!

I promise one day I will get good at this blogging thing. One day.

Sometimes I feel like it is going to confession... "Hello readers! It has been 14 days since my last blog... I digress.

Things are looking up! Since my last blog, It has been crazy. Because of my early return I was blind sided by my overly concerned father.... who seemed to misconstrue my early return for irresponsibility and laziness (perhaps he missed my last blog). And what's worse when I disclosed even the smallest bit of information about my hopes to bring dance to the south bay he rebuttled with a "that is not financially stable". I know! No one is in Dance for the money!

So, I left for Mammoth once again, this time for fun, to clear my head and hopefully find some inspiration, direction, and all those romantic ideas people think happen when they Thoreu themselves into the wilderness...

ANYWAYS, once I got back I went to get my Jeep from my father's house. While I was there (its a long story I will spare you) I ran into my grandmother. After a brief discussion again about my ideas of bringing my dance to the south bay, she gave me a lead.

She thought it was a WONDERFUL idea and said (as grandma does) "Well you know who you should talk too..." And she gave me the name of a man, who I remember growing up AND coincidentally, ran into his name on another website I was researching for non-profits. WHAT LUCK... no no, not luck... WHAT SUPPORT! she said she would call him or get in contact with him to ask him to set up a meeting with me...

Fast forward to this morning.... a DAY later... not EVEN 24 hours, I woke up (shamefully late) to a voicemail beeping. It was grandma. She had already talked to her friend, my LEAD, and he would be delighted to talk to me about my project. Well, Just like that I sprang into action, calling my partner in crime into mobilization. In an afternoon we had, not only an appointment to meet with Grandma's friend (who will now be known as Mr. Fred), but also to see a venue we had no idea even existed downtown, AND contacted many potential choreographers for an event, looked at a few venues, and called countless people about venues.

After an exhausting day (I did more non dance related things after this) I am signing off, with hopes of reporting more awesome things in the near future... I'll shoot for tomorrow

~Nat Q.

The Mammoth Adventure...in as much/little as I can tell

2009-07-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

I've been putting off this story for a while because while I was there I was not in a very happy place, but I feel like now, after I've told enough people what happened I can share it... Here it goes:

I flew out of San Diego at 7:30am the day after the night performance. I landed in SJ airport at around 9 am and was picked up and put into a 152 plane and flown into Mammoth by 10:30. The whole way over I was stoked because it seemed like it would be something new and different and I would get to be networking with a bunch of amazing people from the east coast (the other students were coming from Julliard, Boston Conservatory, and Florida State).

So I flew in and tried to eat (remember I had been not feeling 100% in San Diego the day before, and plane rides always make me not hungry) and called my teacher (whose name I will omit) who was supposed to be picking me up. So the teacher came to get me... and I was a little nervous because he was not your most conventional looking guy. From behind the wheel of a big black excursion jumped a small toothpick of a man who, by the looks of his deep set wrinkles and smoker- cough, could very well have been the crypt keeper or every bad dream I had about death, incarnated. Nevertheless, the intensive had been going on for 2 weeks, so by noon we were driving back to the airport to say goodbye to Dave (who flew me there) and get my things.

As we drove back into town I was starting to get more excited, because teacher was talking about all the people he had gotten a chance to work with in New York. I felt like I was talking to my history book. Especially since the day I flew in was his 64th birthday. So after stopping at a small restaurant I finally inquired whom else I would be working with this next couple weeks, since we didn't seem to be in a hurry to get back to a group of other dancers...

"... You... you... you... and you... and two little girls they are 12 years old"

He proceeded to explain to me that out of his 12 dancers who were SUPPOSED to be there, 9 of them bailed (due to injuries or financial issues) and I was there with two 12 years olds... who were locals in MAmmoth..

At first I was stoked... I felt like Luke Skywalker going into meet Yoda and Study with a Jedi Master of dance, one on one.... or was that anxiety...?

"Let's get back in the car, I want you to read something..."

Ok, sure. I thought we might be going to a library because our conversation before I asked had a lot to do with the original labanotations of some of Harkins Ballet that existed on microfiche somewhere... maybe it was an article on the freshly deceased Pina Baush...

We drove to what I later learned is essentially Mammoth's Ghetto, maybe 3 complex's filled to the brim with Mexican families. It was not scary, just loud with lots of small children.

We walked up stairs to an apartment, which he later told me was his, without going in, he sat down and a table and motioned for me to sit down also, as he picked up 2 articles... one was the sheet, Mammoth's news paper, and the other was a californian newspaper. He pointed to the 2 articles he wanted me to read and unlocked the house.

... The first article was about California's financial crisis and how it is affecting mammoth... The second was an article about the man who I had been traveling with all day. Apparently, he was being charged with money embezzlement.

When I finished reading both articles he started talking about how he had been wrongly accused, however, mammoth was a small town, and the people pressing charges owned many things in the town: the studio we were to be working in, one of the pilates gyms... the motel I was SUPPOSED to be staying in.... So I sat there speechless, as he explained to me some nonsense about how "he had a commitment to me as a student" and (this is where my excitement turned to sheer panic) in order to make things work I would be staying there, with him.

Let's recap: I was too be staying, by myself, with the crypt-keeper, in the middle of mammoth's ghetto, in his one bedroom apartment.

Heck. No.

I felt so played, and never more alone in my life. I didn't want anyone to panic, because I was not technically in danger, and I was trying to think of all my options out. Once he left me to "settle in" I called in the most calm voice as possible and arranged an escape. So by the time my warden had returned I could tell him that I would not be staying. And by wednesday morning, I was back safely in a plane with Dave and my business partners.

It's not even worth writing about what I learned those 3 days. I had one on one training in ballet, ended up teaching and cleaning solos for the other girls, and slept with one eye opened every night, because "teacher" would roll himself a joint and get in his car to sleep under the stars (at my request) and I would be left to listen to fireworks all night in little mexico, CA. And when we weren't dancing, I was inhaling second hand smoke and listening to this yahoo name drop and complain about the american government.

But here I am, Safe and Sound, back and ready to take over the world, despite my 3 day set-back.

Tomorrow, an update on bringing dance to the bay area.

Almost 2 weeks of Catch- up!!

2009-07-27T12:19:00.000-07:00

Hi readers!

So... I stopped blogging at the end of my San Diego trip because it was 1) becoming repetitive because of my dissatisfaction with the new works and 2) because I got sick with something I most likely gave myself (like an anxiety attack) either way, I had the spins for the duration of the program... and it was unfortunate because as an artist I think it is your job to create something new and exciting no matter what tools you get. For Example, my senior project was choreographed and set in about... 6-8 rehearsals... all of which were 2 hour rehearsals, but I almost NEVER used all 2 hours... which makes that project come together in essentially somewhere between 12 and 16 hours.... That is LESS than these choreographers got with us... and in many cases, I feel like these choreographers shorted us invention because they were pressed for time.

... No one is asking for an epic, 4 hour ballet... all art needs to do is evoke something that hopefully is exciting and maybe fun, at LEAST visually appealing... some of the choreography was a big flop and the excuse was because we were crunching time... I hope I never get to that point. I hope I am always inventing. DVD to follow.

I will post (soon) my thoughts on my mammoth adventure, (dance intensive: 2, adventure: 12) but get ready for a rant.

Currently I am working quickly to try and bring art to the Bay area. After my intensives have finished, this will be the newest thing to follow on the blog.

Signing off for now so I can work on the bay area take over! Stay Posted!

~Nat Q.

Living on a prayer.

2009-07-13T23:27:00.001-07:00

Ok here's the update.
I always thought I just wanted to dance. For whoever, wherever, whatever. After doing this week, I know now this statement is false.

I hate technique classes that are only taught on the right side. That's not technique. I came to work, push me.

The new rep. Piece is, in my opinion, way better than last week's, but we'll see how the rest of the week goes, I still have 4 days. I was cast in the role that was originally played by a man, but they claim the dance is "gender neutral". On one side, this means they trust me to base for lifts. On the other, it means I have yet to play the part of the delicate female. Ever in life. Not that I want to be that ever, but i think to be versitile I need to be able to fake it, and it looks like I haven't fooled anyone yet.

I am still learning so much from the one new work about quality of movement. It's nice because the guy that teaches it reminds me of the teachers at home, without the favoritism bias. I am recievibg as much feedback as everyone else. And I felt really accomplished today when he said the duet I essentially made up myself was coming along. It should be cake by Saturday.

The part that is frustrating is still the piece at the end of the day. There is nothing even remotely interesting about it, and it kills me to know I was trained choreographically better. I'm not a moron, and while I get choreographing for a bunch of people in a week is a big risk, but guess what, we are trained. I stand in the rehearsal and think, doesn't he have any faith in my ability? Were we really that lame the first week that we are geting shit for steps now? It's making me question my ability as an artist.

So as I sink into my pillow, I can at least know I am geting strongr because my entire upper back muscles are fatigued, my sprained toe is just annoying, and I think the result of over compensation from my toe has resulted in a shin splint in my right leg.

... But if I weren't here, I'd be at home kicking myself for not taking a chance to learn.

And I'm super missing my roommates and friends. My new bf down here looks a lot like renae. Course, nothingnis as good as the original.

Dead tired. Quilici, out.

Chill out!

2009-07-12T23:20:00.001-07:00

I have not meant to be neglagent, but when my routine ends, so does my blogging sometimes.

It was nice to have a weekend to clear my head and rest. Friday was spent after class at the shores for some snorkel time and than to fiesta island for some fireworks. The bat rays were out in full force in the cove, which was pretty cool, and seaworld has fireworks everynight from June to September, so that's cool. But after a full day of dance and half day of swimming, I was sacked out in no time. Good thing I had nothing to do on saturday because I was wiped out.

Saturday was A few errands and a lot of sun. We went back to the shores for some serious boogie boarding and football. The swimming was actually making my toe feel better too, to my surprise. Than we went to old towns, drank, and passed out. It was quite possibly a perfect day off.

I did some retail bonding with my sister. We learned very early that no one wants to shop with two sisters, because we pretty much have our own language. I really only do my serious shopping with other people, but so far my sister and jolie are my most trusted shopping therapists. Anyways, the hippie in me found great sandals in sun diego, sanuk brand. They are flip flop soles with canvas covers, and they are hand made, microfibered for durability, and the soles are made from yoga mat. And they are recycled materials. They are already super comfy, and I am highly supporting the brand starting now.

After the lazy day of shopping, laundry, and wii sports, I think I am ready to dive back in tomorrow. I think I have a shin splint also from all the walking this weekend, so when that heals I'll be even stronger. Woo.

On a side note, I am bringing jolie with me to new York. She sent me encouraging texts on Thursday and I almost cried. While I know there are always my dance girls for support, jolie continues to support me even while she is never fully sure what I am up to, and I don't tell people enough how grateful I am to have their support. And I truly think I would have given up by now if I were left to my own devices. And yet, it's Sunday, and my alarm is set for another day of floorburns and athletic tape...

Hand!

2009-07-11T11:36:00.001-07:00

So I've benn slacking, whoops.

This have been getting progressively easier... Slowly but surely I am feeling better about things. I'm figuring out the people I have been trying to compare myself to are definitely older than I was assuming with way more experience. So I guess that made me feel better.

I'm definitely better at across the floor things because of heather's class, and I am also doing ok at reversing without running it. So grateful for that.

The newest challenge came with my new work challenge. It seemed so simple: take this phrase of movement it make it a duet.

What would have normally ben an easy task is now the puzzle of my life because 1 my partner has little to no contact/ partnering and 2 I know what the choreographer wants, but because of my partners discomfort and newness to partnering, things are going slowly while I do all the work, and feel like I am falling short when he comes to check our progress because the only person contributing to Our progress is me. So, thanks to Heather and Scott for giving me all the lifts I know.

The profound thought of the day came from Joe, the guy that had been providing all the rest of the incite seen here. He said: pay attention to hands. What could seem very gestural, could be so important with the right amount of contact and pressure. Don't make it decorative. Dance with your hands.

Light bulbs went on everywhere. The quality of movement changed dramatically with this concept in mind.

So, week one, check. And I went to the shores and chrissy and I had tons of food and bonfire and played in the waves. I was conked out til now! Chrissy comes home in 10, and than, off to the zoo!

Singing with your body and touching yourself.

2009-07-08T23:30:00.001-07:00

... Yea, really.

So I was not sure how I was gonna do when I woke up and my toe was twice it's normal size and red, but I dragged myself to class anyways. I soon learned that we had a new teacher for technique for the rest of the week. Her name was Juliene and her training was in...

Grahm and limon technique

FIST PUMP!

So while I struggled through technique class ( my injury gave me no releve on my left foot) I was relieved I wasn't injured AND trying something new... Rep was... feeling academic. The steps weren't technically challenging, but the floor patterns are intricate, and the second you stop counting you might as well start over because it is impossible to not screw up the four other people you are working with from that point.

So after the morning was over I quickly ate and ran upstairs to the in house physical therapist ( every dancers dream). She examined my foot and quickly diagnosed it as a sprain and minor contusion. Whatever, dr lady, tape that shit up so I can get back to class!

So yesterday's fruastrating class became a "lightbulb on" class for me today. Yesterday, the combination was overwhelming and tricky and awful, but today after running through it, everything became clear! Joe was talking about contact yesterday and how you really had to "touch yourself" in order to make the movement work. When I actually did what he said today though, the dance ( movementily, if that is a word) makes sense because it's like the hand initiates the shoulder, hip, or joint it is in contact with. He must have said that at one point yesterday, but I was already so down on myself I must not have heard it. Joe seemed to be as pleased with my epiphany as me.

So I made it. The last work is not my favorite, but it feels like one of those pieces that us going to be tedious to learn, and when it's performed everyone will love it... What is it about those pieces anyways?

We even got out of tedious practice early so I could refill my antibiotics (long story, don't ask) and ice my foot. I think I can make it through the week, I'm going in early to get my foot liked at again tomorrow, when I went in this morning itbwas aggrivated and red and we couldn't tell if it was and infection from the floor burn, Or the angry toe... The redness is gone, no infection! Woo!

Made it over the hump. We'll see what limon brings me tomorrow! Chacon anyone?
~Nat Q.

I get knocked down

2009-07-07T23:42:00.001-07:00

... Nothing good ever happens on tuesdays.

Seriously, Being the second at anything pretty much is lame (I would know as a second child). But today, tired and sore I dragged myself to class, and after a series of unfortunate events (kicked someone in the shoulder, possibly spraining my second and third toe, being told I was too strong for my own good, and being put into a chorus role in a new work) I became very frustrated with myself and began questioning myself. Here I was, finally out of my bay area bubble, and I am still being cast as the "smart" dancer. The one who knows all the counts, paid attention to details, and could probably clarify the path of the arm and it's motivation...

Unfortunately for me though, smart dancers are not featured dancers, or at least that is my observation.

I knew this to be familiar to other aspects of life... I have identified before with the size 6 trapped in a size 12 body, an artist trapped in a stalky body, a featured dancer trapped in a smart dancer body...

The best two things I learned today was from Joe, who is teaching the new rep piece. He said 1: the skin is not just part of your body. The concept, "I think, therefore I am" is bull. Your skin reacts and has thought too. Not cognative obviously, but it reacts to impulses and should not be thought of as a part of your body, but an extension of the brain. And if you don't believe that, put your hand on a hot stove and think it to stay there... You can't. The nerves in your skin tell you to move your hand...

Ping! A lightbulb went on in my head. So bright I felt I needed to share it.

Last and probably more important at the end of the day he looked around at our overwhelmed faces and reminded us that we came here to learn. Part of growing is being frustrated, and handling it, be it conquoring the obstacle, or some other creative option.

... Gr! He's right.

So, I'm taking it all back. With a negative attitude I won't get anywhere. And by subscribing to a label I've already lost the game.

So tomorrow, I'm taping my toes together, pulling myself up by the bra straps and dancing like me, the smartest featured dancer EVER!

... Tomorrow is a new day! I'll let you know how it goes.

After a therapudic swim with sis and watching best in show, I will put my pity hat away and take care of Wednesday!

Wish me luck!

~ Nat Q.

Day one: I gotta get through this

2009-07-06T19:39:00.001-07:00

... And I did

... By the skin of my teeth:)

I got to San diego dance place and immediately fell in love! It is a 2 story building with beautiful facilities complete with locker rooms, studios with wall- to- wall marley floors (not being held together with tape, mind you), and really nice music equipment (all the speakers work, sjsu kids!)

So technique class was challenging and I was definitely being called out for running into everyone.. But it was feeling a little like heather's class at home so I was prepared and not discouraged!

Next we learned a section of the company's rep "love and murder" since there were so many of us we were going to be learning the film version... Not the stage version (the fact that they even have two versions and there was a distinct difference made me impressed!)

The people in the workshop with me are very committed to the workshop to. I was impressed at the amount of attentativeness and effort put into learning the rep, from the ad who has a striking resemblence of Adam shankman.

After a quick break i learned a little more about the studios I was dancing in, and San diego dance scene on a whole ( but I will report on that later on the week as I learn more)

When we moved into new work I started to get more challenged. The choreographer was a guest, a six foot three inches guy that was... In love with the floor. So I made every attempt to move like him as my short stalky body would allow. My butt had been kicked thoroughly. and it was one of those "go when you think the music is telling you to" pieces with lots of chaos on the first day. So that's when I started feeling the burn!

So far so good! I am now waiting at home for Chris so I can eat some nom noms, maybe play some wii, and wait for the sore to set in. I can already tell tomorrow might be more difficult now that I know what to expect... And the second day sore will be settled in... Yipes!

Here I go again on my own!

2009-07-06T19:18:00.001-07:00

Well, I had a few set backs, but I have finally arrived! After taking Georgia, my trusty jeep/hover craft over the grape vine and into San diego, I met my sister for dinner, smores, and fireworks! It was a long day and I was not 100% yet from my little 4th of July morning mishap, so I packed my lunch and hit it early in attempts to make it through my first day...

How do you measure a month in the life?

2009-07-03T00:38:00.000-07:00

... and more importantly, How do you pack for that?

I have yet to find out the answer... and yet I did. I packed... for every senario I could have played out in my head. I am still uncertain of what I will ned but so Far I have:

1) a carry on with the entire contents of my dance clothes...
2) a day bag for sd, and
3) a day bag with all of my "adventure gear" and essential liquids that would not make it back on a plane for mammoth (to be given to Dave before leaving for SD)

I'm ho[ing to not pack the entire car with frivilous things... but I can't help[ but wonder if I am ready, or if there is a way to fully be prepared.

One: Singular sensation

2009-06-30T16:07:00.000-07:00

My adventure started half way through my senior semester when I started applying to dance intensives all over California and seeing how far I could push myself in a month. Here is the game plan for the next month:

1) Drive 8 hours to San Diego

2) Dance 2 weeks with Malashock Dance in Point Loma, San Diego

3) fly home at the butt crack of dawn to

4) be in Mammoth Lakes, CA for another Dance intensive with Dennis Wayne from the 19th til the 2nd.

I am hoping to be able to use this as a record/ note taker of what I learn for return back to the bay, and attempt to put on a site specific festival in Downtown San Jose (but more on that later)

In the next few days I must:

1) by some more supplies for the mammoth intensive, (gloves, hiking socks)

2) get my car tuned up for a drive to San Diego (my sister is returning it when she drives up here for a marathon)

3)make sure the clothes and music is washed and clean or cut and on C.D. with backups.

4) be sure not to freak out.

That last one is most important :)

Step one: the Prep!

2009-06-30T16:02:00.000-07:00

Hello Blogs!

I recently graduated with a degree in Dance. Soon I seemed to find this question looming over my head:

... Now what?

Well, I have a plan! I have been collaborating with a small group of dancers to start a few projects. My most current projects include adventure out into the dance world for the first time ever.

This blog is to relate and reflect what I do in the classroom with what I am hoping to bring back with me while I adventure out for the next month into the big, dance world!

So here I go... dancing through life.

~Nat Q.