Failure is Not an option

Winners don't quit, they rest.

So after a week of "resting" (read: crying into my pillow silently everynight), I have decided on a few things for February:

1) No more 'what if's' about failure. It is just not happening

2) No moving back into your parentals. You're a big girl now.

3) No filing for unemployment: the ULTIMATE act of failure if you want MY opinion. (this was not even an option, but some people think it is, so I will dismiss it now)

I also have a to do list for February:

1) Sign up for my personal Trainer license

2) Think about the Zumba Certification (barf)

3) Wear my Band shirts.

I need to get my personal trainer license, so I can start working (like, more non-stressful hours). I decided I have some time to allot for studying, so long as I knuckle down, I could potentially have it by the middle of April, early May.

Zumba is not something I want to succumb to, but if i get desperate it will happen, it is a good gig and people like it. I just am having a hard time justifying that right now because I feel like you need to be a special breed of person to make that stuff happen, and I don't know if that's the person I want to be...

I have often joked that I have enough band shirts to wear them all twice in the month of February and not wash. I pride myself on this because they were all bought at concerts. This is another artistic exercise. Everyday I wear one I will remember why I got it (for some of these shirts it will be hard), but I always say that I am continually inspired by music, and so, there you are. I am not starting today, and Tuesdays in life right now are HELLISH!, so I will start the exercise on wednesday.

While I am here, I must thank everyone who has been supporting me through this. My sister has listened to me cry every monday in anticipation of tuesday, My grandmother who I often call to let her know I am still working, and Jolie, my bestfriend/roommate who has dealt and given advice about my mood swings from the beginning, and all three of them continually reminding me that God has a plan.

... But seeing as its february, I feel like I need to make a public affirmation to Dave. Dave and I have been unofficially dating for a year now. And a lot has changed in a year. A year ago I was fearless, with an ego and a vision and I thought I was invincible. I know that is the girl he fell in love with. The fearless, sassy, egotistical me who could do anything she wanted, and that's that. And today I stand before him, and God and Everyone else, a scared, tearful, roller-coaster basket-case who can't seem to get it together. And he could leave my one ring circus if he wanted, but he doesn't. And that has shown me that he really cares about me, because if I were him I probably would have been out by now (did I mention I can't STAND myself right now?)

Lucky for me, Dave doesn't read my blog. He despises public displays of affection, and I have been good to keep it to a minimum, but Dave has his own things to worry about, that I believe to be FAR bigger than my issues, and he has been a solid, patient, unwaivering presence in my life, who every time I want to throw my hands up, cry in hysterics and run away from this life, lovingly grabs me by the hands and leads me back to my goal. He reminds me that I can do whatever I put my mind to, and I am grateful to him for that.