I walk Schitzophrenic

I don't even think that is spelled right.

I have been thinking a lot about the idea of being "alone". I take a pride in the fact that I feel I am a people person, and I accredit it to my huge Italian family genes (nature) and also the because I am a second child (getting one sibling before I was even around, more nature) and then from then on out finding myself in team sports, clubs, theatre groups... etc (nurture, nurture, nurture). And Now, at almost a quarter of a way through life, I am living with only one other person, after living with at least two my WHOLE life. And during the day roommate leaves for work, and I do to, but I am starting to notice how comfortable I have gotten with just being by myself....

Or AM I?

As a catholic, I remember a phase in 2000 where everyone asked themselves, WWJD? and sometimes for me this was ridiculous, sure I got the jist of it, but I often found myself asking what people whom I saw more regularly EMBODYING this message was easier. And it is something that I have carried with me since then. I do believe that copying is the highest form of flattery, and have noticed that, I really have taken what I deem as the best characteristics of my friends and trying to embody them myself, and it has become a great new study.

When I found myself in a puddle on the floor a few weeks ago in confusion, I found myself thinking what my cousin would do; she had recently started a blog "DAYS OF YOGA" that I would highly recommend... but that isn't the point, she is what I call a "super hero" (worker by day, artist by night) and I thought she works long hours too, and instead of throwing herself onto a heap on the floor, she takes yoga. She did something that made her happy. I took a Dance class that night.

I woke up a few weeks ago before an interview, and low and behold, an awful zit was rearing its ugly head where I rest my cell phone. After cleaning my phone, I pulled out my make-up like one of my college friends who is an inspiring make-up artist, and covered it, where me 6 months ago would have tried to pop it and make it worse.

Now This is my favorite one to tell. Easily. Before any of this came about, a few weeks ago my car needed some work done. I went to start it and it became indrivable. First, not only did I jump out of my car and have a conversation with a not present ex-boyfriend, cursing him for telling me how to fix this problem, but not SHOWING me, thus never giving me a chance to learn, but I also called on the suave, car savvy boyfriend's roommate thinking what on EARTH could he do in this situation? So I did what I thought he might do, and it actually kept me from the Theatrics I might have otherwise thrown in this situation.

So how does this relate today? well, I have a task, that I know I could have, but more importantly, one of my great friends has ALREADY been down this road. Today, I have dressed myself even in a fashion for which I think she would go, and am now embodying her in order to get me through what might otherwise be another super intimidating task. Hope everything works out! here we go!!!

Creativity the discipline

Most people think artists are crazy. It's this misjudgment by "not creative people" that artists teeter all the time between Creative Genius and Crazy.

I was recently watching a link Where Elizabeth Gilbert (author of "Eat, Pray, LOVE") talks about creativity. (You can also here what she has to say here) The end she finally comes full circle and says something interesting, but the beginning was what I want to address.

Ms. Gilbert opens her talk speaking about how artists have a lot of pressure to always be striving to top their last biggest goal... Sorry Ms. Gilbert. But I feel like anyone who is dedicated to their job strives to be better than who they were yesterday. Coming from a background of hardworking engineers, I know that my father worked harder than most to better himself in his career. Now, maybe because it is harder for artists to thrive in our society, so they HAVE to push themselves past mediocrity.

The other issue I had with her was the way in which she talked about Creativity. Like it just runs by and if you happen to catch it cool, and if not, no biggie. And I get that people get their creativity from different places, but there is such an easier way to Solve it.

If you have read this before, you know I often quote Twyla Tharp. It's because she gets in. Not only does she take artists of this "starving" pedestal, but, she tells it how it should be: work is work is work, and creativity can be cultivated and disciplined just like anything else. The Genius are those dedicated enough to practice their discipline.

The whole speech is quite interesting, but those were the two things I felt needed critiquing. She has a lot of good to say about creativity, but my bottom line I suppose is art doesn't HAVE to be a struggle! And I'm stoked about that.

The posture of life

Cross Your arms. Do it. We've done it for years... Now try and think of something happy.... Something happy without a hint of sarcasm. Now think of something negative. Much Easier, yes? There are in fact, studies that show Crossed arms are showing defense, and regardless of "It's more comfortable to stand like this" (Teenagers often say this whence having an attitude), you have STILL put yourself in physical Defense mode.

Now Pull your shoulders back. Place your Palms forward and tilt your head up slightly. Now try and have a negative thought. Now a positive one. Which one was easier? Studies also show that this is the way you stand for gratitude. Seriously! I have done this in many classes with many people and on a whole the results are the same.

To me Posture is important. As a Dancer, you always want "good" posture. My boyfriend's family are chiropractors, adding to the perfect posture pressure. But these are minute reasons why I strive for Posture.

My posture changes, when my life is about to.

As a dancer, I find myself being very aware of my body. What it is doing, what it wants, and what it is lacking. In the last six months I have found myself more aware of my body than before, and this is probably the least I have danced in my life (SAD!)

This is also the most I have CRIED in my life ever. Not just because I came from the "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" family, but also because I have mostly been a happy person. But back in february, if you'll recall my teaching at 4:45 days, I would be up for almost 20 whole hours and then was expected to function on 6 hours of sleep. And Every Tuesday, around 11:15 when I would come home, I would throw myself into the arms of my patient boyfriend and whimper from exhaustion. I did this for a whole six weeks, before he noticed (chiropractor's kid) that my shoulders had begun to roll forward. NO! I thought, not my incredible posture. I gave up that teaching gig. 4:45 did not work for me.

In the first week of a job, I was put into a pretty high stress situation. I confidently walked through this 16 hour day feeling like I was running a gauntlet, when at the end of the day, tired and feeling self-defeated (yet never showing it in public) I found myself at the door of Boyfriend's. When he asked me how my day had been, I, defeated and embarrassed having given my 100% yet feeling though I had only achieved 60, collapsed yet again, into a puddle of tears on the floor, much like how I'm sure my mother might recall me as a toddler, yet I'm sure 22 years of maturity has toned down the dramatics of this ritual. And yet when my self doubt had left my body through my tear ducts, I found myself in Yoga Savasana, "the corpse" pose, and once I made this realization, I also made one about my job and how to remedy the situation. I pulled myself of the floor and went about life. And at the end of this toxic career (where I found myself crying over multi-layered frustrations) It was finally one night where I laid again in corpse pose on the ground with a tear streaked face realizing this was not my calling. Being MISERABLE IS NOT MY CALLING. I have spent my whole life studying how to make people happy, be it through listening, communicating, dancing, or just simply being. It was in this, what inyoga practice has been noted the most important posture, that I peeled myself off the floor and carried on.

It has been through this that I have discovered and found my bearings back into my ultimate plan, but recently, I have noticed that once again, like clockwork, my posture has yet again, begun to change... And I think it might be because my life in the near future is going to do so also.

Coffee and my Family

To me, when I get a Starbucks coffee certificate, I smile and nod and say thank you and act like it is the best thing known to man. How sweet it is that someone took the time to think of me...

But inside, I shake my head. This poor student/uncle/client clearly knows nothing about me.

Trust me, I can find something to spend it on (or, Gasp! Regift it) but I feel as though I must address this as an issue because I know I am not the only person that feels this way. Here is why Starbucks gift cards are not good presents for me:

1) I don't even DRINK coffee! When I do, it's REAL coffee, free of syrups and the taste of Dirt (Philz coffee comes to mind). Aside from the Heart Palputations I get when I drink real coffee, I don't fully like the taste of it, and have done many studies in my collegiate years about its affects on one's body, it's benefits and connotations, and really have decided that if I am gonna drink coffee, it's gonna be the REAL deal, and not something I could brew in my house and make it taste the same way (aka, dirt). As a side note, addicts, did you know you get more energy from drinking Orange juice than you do from coffee? The natural Sugars in OJ is a longer lasting, natural stimulant that is not as harsh on your senses as caffine. Just saying.

2) I feel guilty and than want to use the card, giving me a chore: sure, you could argue "But there's tea and food at starbucks too". Indeed. In that instance, why is this gift Certificate not to Tevana (YUM!) or Trader Joe's, places I frequent on a MORE regular basis. The fact that you have now given me a chore, suggests that you obviously have no idea what I like, but was still thinking of me (at one point during the week while you were standing in line like a sheep for your own coffee fix). And so now, in order to keep my wallet from looking like George Castanza's from seinfeld, I want to get rid of the gift card and have now tried to assimilate into this coffee culture.

3) there is nothing I like about chain ANYTHING: I haven't finished it, but I was recently told about a book called "French woman don't get fat" ( http://search.barnesandnoble.com/French-Women-Dont-Get-Fat/Mireille-Guiliano/e/9781400044801/?itm=1&USRI=why+french+women+don%27t+get+fat) and from what I understand one of the chapters talks about how supermarkets basically BREEDS obesity, and the importance of a farmer's market. It is for this very reason that I do my personal hardest to avoid chain anything, from Safeways to Starbucks, to Cheesecake factory... Nothing Personal, I just like the hummus guy every sunday morning, who knows my order, name, and wants to know how my sister whom he has never met is. I just like it better, and plus (my old roommate would chringe at this next phrase) As an Artist, I really believe it is important to support the little guy, mom and pop stores, which is Not what Starbucks is about.

So there you have it the three main reasons why I, and many like me, hope the next time you get me a certificate you can find it in your heart to maybe save that caffinated thought for another Person! one less pretentious about their eating habits.

I titled this Coffee and Family, because somehow I find that someone in my family always manages to give me a starbucks card for no reason, and also, I have recently found people just talking to talk, without thinking, and unknowingly hurting someone's feelings indirectly, because they were not thinking of anyone but themselves, and gave someone a "starbucks" as I have begun to call them, a unknowing burn because they were too wrapped up in their own conversation to actually HEAR what was actually being said.

And it isn't just family, it seems to be everyone whom I have heard have the problem recently. America is such an individualistic culture, but it behooves us to take care of each other too. No man is an island. Which is why I am grabbing my recycle bag and skipping of to the Farmer's market right now.

Namaste.

4)

Writing is contradictory

I set off to write this 2 hours ago. I can't even REMEMBER the last time I wrote. And yet, here I am, composing and composing in my head as if I were sitting down to write my first novella. Well, I have come to find that my quest for settlement is 1) ridculous and 2) ambitious. I have never thought of myself as settled, and after getting out of a chaotic and catastrophic job (which I loved for 2 months and it ripped my heart out like a juvenile boyfriend) I have found myself back in the interview process.

Only this time, more self-assured.

Unfortunately, it is because of this active self for new identity (which, I HIGHLY disagree with. What is the DEAL with being defined by your job anyways? and when you have no job, do you have no identity? I say NO! This is silly, but that still doesn't make up for my constant battle with getting up in the morning to find something to do...)

I digress, I am as I said VERY busy, Looking for jobs, staying in contact with aquaintances, reading, studying, looking for leads, and most importantly, staying true to myself: constantly BUSY! I have sat down to write this so I can feel better about myself the way boyfriend Dave does 100-300 sit-ups a day.

But for now I must away, to stand in front of my closet again to find the perfect interview outfit, drink my water, and continue to unpack the mess that has become my new humble abode in south san Jose!

More tomorrow when I am not stealing internet from the next-door neighbors!

Stealing...

I am back.

Staring into my screen.

This whole day I have been thinking about this screen. IT has been haunting me... BLOG SOMETHING!!! Tell us how you feel...

My cousin just recently said in his blog that writing is like biking, you do it alone, and you always feel better when you finish than when you start.

If only I could start...

I started this blog with a Weight on my back. Normally, I would just write. And today I didn't do that. I put my big girl pants on, and fixed it.

All better.

Some days writing helps.

Today was not that day.

Goodnight, Neverland

Exactly Half

And so it is June...

We are a week away from opening for Inspired Soul Dancewear.

We are 3.5 months away from Dance in Transit.

and not a break in site.

The good news is that I can honestly say I am living the dream. I get up when I want, I don;t have many time constraints during the day, but at the end of the day my work is done, and it is normally done with me, still in my sweats, probably from my couch, and 9 times out of 10 with a good movie on. I work on weekends and holidays which i LOVE because I would much rather be on holiday on some idle Wednesday than spend it on the freeway with everyone else. PLUS, I can blog when I want, and as long as I stay active and can show things for it, than I'm A-ok!

And most importantly, I still have time for dance.

Isn't that nice? For the first time In life I think I can say I am not looking at any past or future more so than I am right now. In school you are trained to Live for vacations, but looking back on life I sometimes wish I hadn't written a few of those papers with summer in mind. Sure they were good papers, but I wanted nothing more than to finish with them and dance in the grass outside or lay by the pool. I OF COURSE still have the most anal looking to do list, and am always looking toward the future to improve, but sitting here in my silent house, I can honestly say things are working out. So why is it called "exactly half" well, If you can recall back to the beginning of this year when I first graduated, I spent more time mourning or not here at all because I was scouring Craislist for a decent job. And now I have it. I once had a teacher who told me that the glass is neither half full or half empty, it is exactly half. I like to think that my journey to this point, the beginning of June, was more on the negative side, more negative than I would have preferred, anyways. And now today, I can honestly call it, and look forward too the positive rest of the year that will make this exactly half