Purpose

PURPOSE/ IT'S THAT LITTLE FLAME/ THAT LIGHTS A FIRE/ UNDER YOUR ASS.
PURPOSE/ IT KEEPS YOU GOING STRONG/ LIKE A CAR WITH A FULL TANK OF GAS.


I was talking to my cousin last night.  I always find it interesting to talk to him because, I come from a family of engineers who love and support me, Anthony, being another artist (Sax Musician by trade, Hodge podge of artistic wizardery by passion) GETS me.  


We were talking about goals (mine, specifically) and he said something that I hope to never forget.  I have been graduated San Jose State for almost 7 months now, and have been Aching, Craving, DYING for stability so badly that yesterday I contemplated (gasp!) going back to get a master's... I was telling him my master plot and where I eventually want to be and he said to me, "well... Here's the positive about that.  You haven't yet given up.  Most people at your point, roll over, lock there dreams away, and join the rat race..." 


When I read these words (did I say talking? I meant FB chatting...) A lump came to my throat, and my tears welled up and I felt my palms start to sweat with panic.  I was there.  I was feeling my dreams not being put into a closet by choice, they were being taken out of my hand. And I was standing on the line.  I was looking at Mr. Monotony in the face, and he was extending his hand out to me.  He looks kind, and safe. And he was reaching, reaching for my outstretched palm that held my hopes and dreams, reaching....


"... but you haven't done that.  I remember when it happened to me.  But you haven't lost sight of that, kiddo.  And knowing what your ultimate goal is and taking the baby steps to get there makes me think you won't lose sight of that.  You'll make it, Kiddo, you're doing fine." 


And these words made me close my fist tight, turn around, and run like hell from the face that, deceivingly looks safe, but upon further inspection is mediocrity and boredom.  And as I was running, nay sprinting away from the crossroads and mister monotony, I glanced over my shoulder and saw 12 year old me, tap dancing on my dad's hardwood floors til I was exhausted to master a single footed wing step.  And I saw 16 year old me, choosing the dance team over my varsity softball position.  And I saw 18 year old me, Dancing like no one was watching for a spot in Irvine's dance program.  


... Who am I kidding? I'm not safe.  And I never have been.  


Again, let me clarify, I have a complete and full respect for people who are in corporate America.  I respect them because they do something I know I never could do.  And I would not MIND a job in an office with a set schedule that gave me nights and weekends... 


.... but this is only so I could live off Ramen for 3 years, save the money I was making during the day, and become a super hero at night, creating, dancing, budgeting, for the ultimate goal, which is something that exists outside corporate America. 


I am so glad I have my cousin, mentors, family & friends who continue to love, support, and encourage me.  They are really what is keeping me motivated toward my purpose.  


"And I'd gladly go down in a flame if a flame's what it takes to remember my name"