The time is now, Friends.
If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know how I feel about habits... I have continued to stress about needing habit, floundered around the past year of being out of school, and been asking myself what the HECK am I going to do with myself in these next years? What Am I going to do with my life in order bring Dance and art back into the south bay.
And while I can sit here and stress, I like to stop and savor the few things I know to be fact:
1) The sun Rises in the east and sets in the west
2) Gary Masters Willl ALWAYS hold class
3) When the leaves change colors, Apple Hill will ALWAYS be a drive away.
For those of you who don't know, Gary Masters is a mentor of mine for college. The joke is that every other teacher at LEAST once a semester would inevitably cancel class for one reason or another, except Gary. One semester his company was performing and more than half of the faculty was out because they were all in his show. Not Gary, I banked on the fact that he would be there, and when to his surprise I dropped in on an early morning class I shared with him what I knew about the sun and how he would always have class. He sorta rolled his eyes at me, but I could see his smug look on his face when he walked away.
... I should find out when his classes are this semester.
More personally, If you don;t know what apple hill is, you should. One of Northern California's best kept secrets is east of sacramento, and the memories I have of it are that of normal children to Disneyland. My Papa lived in the mountains in colfax, and every year in october for the family Birthdays (and papa's birthday too), we would make the drive to Apple Hill. And every year when the colors start to change, I start to itch waiting for the weekend I can sneak up the hill for a fresh carmel apple and a pound of honey in celebration of one of my favorite seasons.
My papa, a legend in his own right, was another great contribution to me. A combination of popeye and captain Crunch, Yuel Brenner and Patrick Stewart, My grandfather the ex marine could have made me famous for his one liners, a la "Shit my dad says". But more importantly are his spunk, no nonsense attitude, and harsh realities that Keeps him in the front of my brain these past few days.
In my life of recent insecurities, I have found that I always have my biggest support system with me all the time... In the changing colors of the leaves, in the sunrise through my window in the morning, in the first bite of a crisp, fresh october apple. And even on my crappiest days, in my darkest hours, I can hear "mississippi mud" in my head, and a small weight gets lifted off my Heart.
And I'm counting down the month til I get to return to Apple Hill!
About Me
- Captain Q.
- I am who I am. Love it or hate it, I only change for me, for self improvement, and Self-assurance.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
A final Plea: why you need to donate to Dance in Transit
I am in my last hours before dance in transit the fundraiser on kickstarter closes. I have yet to make my goal and think/KNOW that if only people KNEW how important this kind of event was, they would give. So this is it, my final plea: I am about to give you THREE huge reasons why not just you, but EVERYONE you know, should be donating to dance in transit.
First of all, have you read the news lately? Times are tough. And that is the BEST way to say it. The economy is down, there are doubts about our leaders, and lots of rules and regulations either passed or in progress do not make sense to the masses. ITs rough. It is time to take a stance and have a voice.
If you look at the past, (because history tends to repeat itself), some of the greatest pieces of art, dance, and music, have come from the crappiest parts of history. Have you ever HEARD gospel music? Its roots come from years of struggling and slavery, and the sound moves a soul to a place of goosebumps and tears? Jazz? Same thing. and more IMPORTANTLY than that, artist have often been the only ones brave enough to say what the REST of society is thinking. By you donating, you are not only saying, "Yes, art is important," but you are saying "I have a voice, I care about this community, and I support it." You are giving life to a creative self expression.
Secondly, this may not be a good enough reason for you. You might say "I have a voice, I vote." and good for you... BUT as we all know sometimes that isn't enough. And I wish I could tell you the power of dance, or ANY art for that matter, but I can't. I can't take all of you into my classroom of 90% "at risk" students and show you how a semester of hip hop brought them closer. I can't show you the kids who were labeled "Troubled" or "not smart" in my classes expressing themselves in ways that they could never do before I offered to teach there. But it happened, and you have to believe me when I say that dance incorporates all the important components of being a well rounded human. It teaches you to think outside the box. It teaches you to think on your feet. It teaches you that there are other ways to express yourselves then throwing rocks and sticks, or verbally abusing someone because you are having a bad day. It teaches people to work as a team, individually, and come together to produce something great. For a cause much higher then themselves. By stifling these programs, we are not a part of the solution. And it looks to me so far that, we could use some new solutions. I'm not saying Dance is the answer, but it certainly helps.
Now, Lastly... I find it hard/ sad to have even needed to write this much about Dance in transit. The truth is, I shouldn't have to. Of course I need to sell people on a business idea, but I have written countless press releases, multiple statements, and if you are taking the time to read this, chances are my job has already been done for the most part. When I first graduated, I wanted to go to New york. But that dream became less and less appealing when I thought about why I thought I needed to go there. San Jose is the 10th largest city in the nation. It is my home that I LOVE IT. And I know if you are reading this you probably live here and also love it. And if that is the case, you are also probably making money doing some form of career. And getting paid for it. Well, I want that too. I want to be able to wake up in the city I love and be paid for my skill set, Just like everyone else. Sure, I could move to New york or San Francisco, but I shouldn't have to. San Jose is already claiming to be so advanced in its politics, technology and business.... why can't we just be advanced in our art scene too?
... That's where you come in.
Dance in Transit helps with all these things. It nurtures dance in a community that doesn't NEED it, but DESERVES it. It gives San Jose a spot on the map in yet another field, rounding out the community, giving an outlet for performers that are ALREADY are in existence, and shows the next generation of artists that it we DO love them and we DON't want them to go to those other cities because ours is just as cool.
It could be great. It could be really great. And really awesome OTHER things could come out of it. But if I don't make this goal, I personally can't continue to create this venue as quickly...
..... So won't you PLEASE donate to Dance in Transit?
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/316656906/dance-in-transit-an-outdoor-site-specific-dance-fe
First of all, have you read the news lately? Times are tough. And that is the BEST way to say it. The economy is down, there are doubts about our leaders, and lots of rules and regulations either passed or in progress do not make sense to the masses. ITs rough. It is time to take a stance and have a voice.
If you look at the past, (because history tends to repeat itself), some of the greatest pieces of art, dance, and music, have come from the crappiest parts of history. Have you ever HEARD gospel music? Its roots come from years of struggling and slavery, and the sound moves a soul to a place of goosebumps and tears? Jazz? Same thing. and more IMPORTANTLY than that, artist have often been the only ones brave enough to say what the REST of society is thinking. By you donating, you are not only saying, "Yes, art is important," but you are saying "I have a voice, I care about this community, and I support it." You are giving life to a creative self expression.
Secondly, this may not be a good enough reason for you. You might say "I have a voice, I vote." and good for you... BUT as we all know sometimes that isn't enough. And I wish I could tell you the power of dance, or ANY art for that matter, but I can't. I can't take all of you into my classroom of 90% "at risk" students and show you how a semester of hip hop brought them closer. I can't show you the kids who were labeled "Troubled" or "not smart" in my classes expressing themselves in ways that they could never do before I offered to teach there. But it happened, and you have to believe me when I say that dance incorporates all the important components of being a well rounded human. It teaches you to think outside the box. It teaches you to think on your feet. It teaches you that there are other ways to express yourselves then throwing rocks and sticks, or verbally abusing someone because you are having a bad day. It teaches people to work as a team, individually, and come together to produce something great. For a cause much higher then themselves. By stifling these programs, we are not a part of the solution. And it looks to me so far that, we could use some new solutions. I'm not saying Dance is the answer, but it certainly helps.
Now, Lastly... I find it hard/ sad to have even needed to write this much about Dance in transit. The truth is, I shouldn't have to. Of course I need to sell people on a business idea, but I have written countless press releases, multiple statements, and if you are taking the time to read this, chances are my job has already been done for the most part. When I first graduated, I wanted to go to New york. But that dream became less and less appealing when I thought about why I thought I needed to go there. San Jose is the 10th largest city in the nation. It is my home that I LOVE IT. And I know if you are reading this you probably live here and also love it. And if that is the case, you are also probably making money doing some form of career. And getting paid for it. Well, I want that too. I want to be able to wake up in the city I love and be paid for my skill set, Just like everyone else. Sure, I could move to New york or San Francisco, but I shouldn't have to. San Jose is already claiming to be so advanced in its politics, technology and business.... why can't we just be advanced in our art scene too?
... That's where you come in.
Dance in Transit helps with all these things. It nurtures dance in a community that doesn't NEED it, but DESERVES it. It gives San Jose a spot on the map in yet another field, rounding out the community, giving an outlet for performers that are ALREADY are in existence, and shows the next generation of artists that it we DO love them and we DON't want them to go to those other cities because ours is just as cool.
It could be great. It could be really great. And really awesome OTHER things could come out of it. But if I don't make this goal, I personally can't continue to create this venue as quickly...
..... So won't you PLEASE donate to Dance in Transit?
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/316656906/dance-in-transit-an-outdoor-site-specific-dance-fe
Monday, August 30, 2010
High maintenance friend, moi
I do not claim to be low maintenance in the least.
In fact I often joke with my boyfriend that he will try and get rid of me as soon as he realizes HOW high maintenance I actually am... This of course, is funny because he knew me BEFORE we started dating me, and Still thinks I am fantastic (for some reason even I cannot explain). What I think is funny is when people (girls in particular) cannot, as I call "identify the crazy". And for this I repeatedly apologize to my man friends, who are now under the impression I am LESS Looney because I do not think I am always right, and have an ability to identify the crazy?
What does this mean? Well, I am on the last few days of my alcoholic abstinence, I can sum up a few things: 1) giving up alcohol saves you money, but not necessarily weight (depending on what you use to substitute your drink... in my case, pretzel M&M's) 2) If you choose not to drink when you go out, the social aspect of it is all in your head. I went out to bars on many occassions during this project, and ordered a diet coke... No one cared. It was when I DIDN't have anything in my hand that people would make a fuss. I think the point is, when someone walks into your house, you offer them a drink (water or otherwise), if you are at a restaurant, you get water... if you are in a bar cupless, it doesn't matter if you are drinking white lightening or water, your company just wants you to be comfortable (which apparently equates to hydrated... who knew?)
And as a side note, I am going to be meditating the next few days (til friday) on what my next month long project will be, and if I will start it in September, or if I will wait til october when Dance in Transit has passed. I have been thinking of a few different ideas, and here are the ones I have liked the most:
1) Run once a day for the next two months (in prep for a mud race I might be running at the end of Oct.)
2) Take a picture everyday for one month (this will MAKE me post daily, and also force me to get a new Camera)
3) Wear one band t-shirt a day for a whole month (thinking this may be better for october)
4) Talk to one new person a day (forcing me to get out from behind the computer)
Of course all weigh ins are welcomed, and while I am hoping to post before I do take on another endeavor, I feel it is only appropriate to talk about the glassware...
My father tells this story at almost any dinner party (or at least he used to) and this year for my birthday I passed it onto a select few who came to celebrate with me. In the days of Kings and Queens, before a meal was ate, the king would pour his beverage into the glass of the man on his right, and that man would pass it to his right, until the beverage had made it all the way around the table. This practice was a ritual to take precaution in case someone might have tried to poison the king, they would also be poisoning the entire court. The clinking of glasses happens now, because this is the sound the glasses made when the drink was being poured from glass to glass now. We cheers to our health, our family, and the loyalty of our friends who would drink from your same cup, with you in your homes.
While I recognize to be high maintenance, I cheers to my loyal readers who I am flattered even continue to support and hate on everything I do. I wouldn't be doing my job correctly if I weren't stirring up some emotion, be it wanting to see James bond on cinema, or running to tell my grandmother I am obsessed with liquor... either way I have charmed or disgusted my way into your brains!
Salute!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
One Bourbon, Scotch, and Beer
Life is about choices... I've been told.
Recently, I have not been good with those. Specifically, the fact that I get crazy after drinking one cup of coffee, and I have just now ordered a HUGE Philz Mint Mojito, which is promising to keep me up til tuesday (I have drink 3/4's of it, and am already in panic mode... That's what happens when I drink coffee)
I woke up to a sun shiny, day, singing a catchy little tune in my head, got half way through my coffee, and all of a sudden my brain went....
HOLY COW, NAT Q!!!!! YOU ARE 2GRAND IN THE HOLE AND THREE WEEKS FROM THE BIGGEST EVENT OF YOUR CAREER.
Isn't it funny how caffine effects people?
I have been told faith is a hundred percent trust and surrender. I didn't invest this money thinking I wouldn't make it back (PEople DO care about the arts, I know... They just don't know it yet I feel.) The thing of it is, is that it is defined in so many ways.
Think about Apple. Why are they so successful? They are Creative with their ads, products, and continue to push the envelope... ALWAYS. People thinks Steve Jobs is crazy and his products are mindblowing....
THAT IS ART, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
While you think that silly brain in your hand that you HAVE to have the latest version of is an iphone and pioneering technology, It has take years of testing creative solving, and aesthetics to get it just perfect so it fits conveniently into your back pocket... It's a work of art.
Back to analogies. I have always had issues with trust (I think starting when I had a bad boyfriend experience at 16), and so it is really hard for me to surrender the idea that I will infact, meet my fundraising goal (and surpass it in 12 days). Trust is knowing your car headlight only shine 200 feet in front of you, and yet you drive 50 miles from SF to SJ at 10 at night... I make this drive twice a week at least.
"But Nat Q, you know that this works because you can also see the lights of people in front of you on your journey with you."
Well, that i the trust part. I have seen other pioneers, Martha, Twyla, I would even say Brenda Way, KT Nelson, Tawnya, and Gary are pioneers. I can see those headlights, I just gotta pace myself so they don't fall out of sight?
What does the title have to do with this post? because I have been true to my word, No alcohol for the past 26 days, but after the coffee, I am ready for all three of these, Just like George... But not quite
Speaking of choices, The last time I had my own rendition of a BSB, I did not make good choices (I was 22) And here is that recipie... I think it's called a skittle... Please drink with caution...
(And if you want to help donate to DIT, just click the link on the side of my blog... please?)
Skittle mixed drink
3 count Raspberry Vodka
3 count Sierra Mist
1 count Orange Liquor
In that order, Serve over ice... Taste the rainbow.
ALSO: New friends (sorta) I love photos, and I had the pleasure of working with a fellow blogger recently... She takes GORGEOUS picture... and this is the link to her website! Happy browsing!
http://chubbphotos.blogspot.com/2010/08/natalie-q.html#comment-form
Recently, I have not been good with those. Specifically, the fact that I get crazy after drinking one cup of coffee, and I have just now ordered a HUGE Philz Mint Mojito, which is promising to keep me up til tuesday (I have drink 3/4's of it, and am already in panic mode... That's what happens when I drink coffee)
I woke up to a sun shiny, day, singing a catchy little tune in my head, got half way through my coffee, and all of a sudden my brain went....
HOLY COW, NAT Q!!!!! YOU ARE 2GRAND IN THE HOLE AND THREE WEEKS FROM THE BIGGEST EVENT OF YOUR CAREER.
Isn't it funny how caffine effects people?
I have been told faith is a hundred percent trust and surrender. I didn't invest this money thinking I wouldn't make it back (PEople DO care about the arts, I know... They just don't know it yet I feel.) The thing of it is, is that it is defined in so many ways.
Think about Apple. Why are they so successful? They are Creative with their ads, products, and continue to push the envelope... ALWAYS. People thinks Steve Jobs is crazy and his products are mindblowing....
THAT IS ART, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
While you think that silly brain in your hand that you HAVE to have the latest version of is an iphone and pioneering technology, It has take years of testing creative solving, and aesthetics to get it just perfect so it fits conveniently into your back pocket... It's a work of art.
Back to analogies. I have always had issues with trust (I think starting when I had a bad boyfriend experience at 16), and so it is really hard for me to surrender the idea that I will infact, meet my fundraising goal (and surpass it in 12 days). Trust is knowing your car headlight only shine 200 feet in front of you, and yet you drive 50 miles from SF to SJ at 10 at night... I make this drive twice a week at least.
"But Nat Q, you know that this works because you can also see the lights of people in front of you on your journey with you."
Well, that i the trust part. I have seen other pioneers, Martha, Twyla, I would even say Brenda Way, KT Nelson, Tawnya, and Gary are pioneers. I can see those headlights, I just gotta pace myself so they don't fall out of sight?
What does the title have to do with this post? because I have been true to my word, No alcohol for the past 26 days, but after the coffee, I am ready for all three of these, Just like George... But not quite
Speaking of choices, The last time I had my own rendition of a BSB, I did not make good choices (I was 22) And here is that recipie... I think it's called a skittle... Please drink with caution...
(And if you want to help donate to DIT, just click the link on the side of my blog... please?)
Skittle mixed drink
3 count Raspberry Vodka
3 count Sierra Mist
1 count Orange Liquor
In that order, Serve over ice... Taste the rainbow.
ALSO: New friends (sorta) I love photos, and I had the pleasure of working with a fellow blogger recently... She takes GORGEOUS picture... and this is the link to her website! Happy browsing!
http://chubbphotos.blogspot.com/2010/08/natalie-q.html#comment-form
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
balance
It seems that whenever Life gets busy, I neglect writing. Today is the first day I have turned off the noise without completely going MIA.
Let me just say, good things are happening. A few months ago I thought I had found my dream job. And yet something was missing. Well, I'm back. I guess the part I was missing was reality.
I recently chatted with a friend about the pro's of going to an all girl school (which I did). The one thing I could really come up with is that, it puts priorities into a prospective. High school was NOT the end all be all, it wasn't reality completed, because their was one key ingredient missing: BOYS! Not to say that boys are life, but they are a part of it, just like art, and sports, and other things that i did in high school, NOT at high school. And when Work became my "reality", I kinda lost sight of that... BALANCE!!! It's about BALANCE! Work, School, Play. Or in my case, Work, Play, Family (now).
Speaking of balance, I was recently in my father's office and saw this 6 sided dye. On the sides were numbered priorites: 1) engineer, 2) Spouse, 3) father, 4) Participant, 5) Citizen, 6) Professional. But what caught my eye was the adjustment he had made to the 6 sided dye. My dad had taken a sharpie and re-wrote the top 3 priorities: 1) Spouse, 2) father, 3) Engineer.
This to me was CRAZY!
IF you know me and my dad's relationship (which most people don;t because you would need an hour and a bottle of red wine) you know we have had our ups and downs, and something about the dye made me feel like dad finally had figured it out... like all those years and dollars poured into therapy might have clicked. And I sometimes wonder if I had helped by being the terror I am/was.
So what is a Celebration drink? Personally, I think I have a TON of prosecco. I wish I knew a history, other than preRoman, HARDly distinguishable from asti's (the before dinner drink), I like it as much as Champagne. YUM! YUM YUM! I have a half a case of almond champagne in my house! Here's To balance! Can't wait for this experiment to be over!
Let me just say, good things are happening. A few months ago I thought I had found my dream job. And yet something was missing. Well, I'm back. I guess the part I was missing was reality.
I recently chatted with a friend about the pro's of going to an all girl school (which I did). The one thing I could really come up with is that, it puts priorities into a prospective. High school was NOT the end all be all, it wasn't reality completed, because their was one key ingredient missing: BOYS! Not to say that boys are life, but they are a part of it, just like art, and sports, and other things that i did in high school, NOT at high school. And when Work became my "reality", I kinda lost sight of that... BALANCE!!! It's about BALANCE! Work, School, Play. Or in my case, Work, Play, Family (now).
Speaking of balance, I was recently in my father's office and saw this 6 sided dye. On the sides were numbered priorites: 1) engineer, 2) Spouse, 3) father, 4) Participant, 5) Citizen, 6) Professional. But what caught my eye was the adjustment he had made to the 6 sided dye. My dad had taken a sharpie and re-wrote the top 3 priorities: 1) Spouse, 2) father, 3) Engineer.
This to me was CRAZY!
IF you know me and my dad's relationship (which most people don;t because you would need an hour and a bottle of red wine) you know we have had our ups and downs, and something about the dye made me feel like dad finally had figured it out... like all those years and dollars poured into therapy might have clicked. And I sometimes wonder if I had helped by being the terror I am/was.
So what is a Celebration drink? Personally, I think I have a TON of prosecco. I wish I knew a history, other than preRoman, HARDly distinguishable from asti's (the before dinner drink), I like it as much as Champagne. YUM! YUM YUM! I have a half a case of almond champagne in my house! Here's To balance! Can't wait for this experiment to be over!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Greens
and I'm not talking about money!
Recently, I have been reading a book from one of my favorite celebrity chefs about how to cook old world ITalian. Although it was a long, alcohol filled weekend (not on my end), I have been recently intrigued by the mystical plant known as basil... Plus there is a small thicket of it taking over my kitchen right now.
While I have yet to try this, I am intrigued by the thought of an unorthodox ingredient in a drink. This is the most appetizing mixture I could find.
It's called a Starry Lime:
Recently, I have been reading a book from one of my favorite celebrity chefs about how to cook old world ITalian. Although it was a long, alcohol filled weekend (not on my end), I have been recently intrigued by the mystical plant known as basil... Plus there is a small thicket of it taking over my kitchen right now.
While I have yet to try this, I am intrigued by the thought of an unorthodox ingredient in a drink. This is the most appetizing mixture I could find.
It's called a Starry Lime:
- 1 1/2 oz Van Gogh Wild Appel Vodka
- 1 oz Cranberry Juice
- 5 Basil Leaves, torn
- Juice of half a lime
- basil leaf for garnish
- Add Van Gogh Wild Appel Vodka, cranberry juice, basil and lime juice into a shaker filled with ice.
- Shake vigorously and strain into a rocks glass filled with ice.
- Garnish with a fresh basil leaf.
... Right? YUM!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Day 4: Q... Nat Q.
Let's talk Politics a second.
GASP! I never talk politics (or religion) in public, because I have a cousin who told me "It can only end in screaming fits or tears" which I agree with.
I find it very disconcerting to be working retail in a place that I call "the row".
Tonight is wednesday, and while I was leaving work at 9:30, people, YOUNG people, were out, or coming out to the row in their gucci and Prada... What are these people doing for jobs? And how do I get hooked up in that field!!! Shoot.
Secondly, I am attempting to raise money to start an artistic revolution, and not only did I not get any backers today at ALL, but I work in a location where I saw (twice today at least) someone come in and spend an EXCESSIVE amount of money on pants only to have them altered.... into shorts.
We sell shorts. We are in a recession. Your excessive spending is TACKY! you do not need 8 pairs of pants. Their are not even 8 days in a week, and I am sure that somewhere between watching your dog and rewaxing your car your au pair has time to wash your expensive clothes!
... I need a drink.
But not from the Row! no no no! That would surely have cost me a fortune ($12) and I would still remember 8pants lady.
Who knows the drink of refinement only suited for the Row?
Enter Mister Bond... James Bond.
Like Hannibal Lector to Chianti, James Bond to the Martini... that's Shaken, not stirred. The MArtini has a long history to it also (I feel I could discuss it later, as it is one of my favorite mixed drinks and it could be addressed over the span of a week), the James bond martini is (gasp!) not the same as the original MArtini, which is not the same as my staple martini (grey goose lemon drop, sugar on the rim)
A Martini is simple, gin, vermouth, a green olive or lemon peel (depending how you feel), and 6 ice cubes... That's Right!
Also, let's talk about the glass... They are distinguished from other cocktail glasses by their sharply tapered bowl. The conical shape helps keep ingredients from separating, Some people say that the wide brim produces surface tension that helps bring out the gin's bouquet. Others believe it was developed to show off the olive or onion to best advantage. Conspiracy theorists suggest that necessity was the mother of invention when it came to wide brim cocktail glasses.
But, here it is, the James Bond martini (try and order it in a bar... I have yet to find someone who knows it well enough to give it to you in a champagne goblet, and also, it is VERY bitter. I'll stick with my lemony martini)
GASP! I never talk politics (or religion) in public, because I have a cousin who told me "It can only end in screaming fits or tears" which I agree with.
I find it very disconcerting to be working retail in a place that I call "the row".
Tonight is wednesday, and while I was leaving work at 9:30, people, YOUNG people, were out, or coming out to the row in their gucci and Prada... What are these people doing for jobs? And how do I get hooked up in that field!!! Shoot.
Secondly, I am attempting to raise money to start an artistic revolution, and not only did I not get any backers today at ALL, but I work in a location where I saw (twice today at least) someone come in and spend an EXCESSIVE amount of money on pants only to have them altered.... into shorts.
We sell shorts. We are in a recession. Your excessive spending is TACKY! you do not need 8 pairs of pants. Their are not even 8 days in a week, and I am sure that somewhere between watching your dog and rewaxing your car your au pair has time to wash your expensive clothes!
... I need a drink.
But not from the Row! no no no! That would surely have cost me a fortune ($12) and I would still remember 8pants lady.
Who knows the drink of refinement only suited for the Row?
Enter Mister Bond... James Bond.
Like Hannibal Lector to Chianti, James Bond to the Martini... that's Shaken, not stirred. The MArtini has a long history to it also (I feel I could discuss it later, as it is one of my favorite mixed drinks and it could be addressed over the span of a week), the James bond martini is (gasp!) not the same as the original MArtini, which is not the same as my staple martini (grey goose lemon drop, sugar on the rim)
A Martini is simple, gin, vermouth, a green olive or lemon peel (depending how you feel), and 6 ice cubes... That's Right!
Also, let's talk about the glass... They are distinguished from other cocktail glasses by their sharply tapered bowl. The conical shape helps keep ingredients from separating, Some people say that the wide brim produces surface tension that helps bring out the gin's bouquet. Others believe it was developed to show off the olive or onion to best advantage. Conspiracy theorists suggest that necessity was the mother of invention when it came to wide brim cocktail glasses.
But, here it is, the James Bond martini (try and order it in a bar... I have yet to find someone who knows it well enough to give it to you in a champagne goblet, and also, it is VERY bitter. I'll stick with my lemony martini)
Pour the gin, vodka and Lillet blanc into a cocktail shaker half-filled with cracked ice. Shake well, and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a twist of lemon, and serve.
Day three: Mint and gasoline.
SO yesterday was a full day and I thought alcohol wouldn't come up but surely it did!
To prove statistics are not just a bunch of phoney- baloney, My mom told someone about my project this month. They asked "WHY?" as if it were crazy to give up something... And then went onto say they couldn;t do it because of the social aspect.
What is it about this magical drink that makes it so crazy to give up. If I said I were gonna give up say, Red meat... or... carbs, I don;t think anyone these days would care to venture to ask more about it.. Dairy, red meat, carbs, sweets (we'll get to that in a few) everyone is ok. But, as soon as you say you are giving up alcohol everyone gets concerned... I'm just trying it out ok? Sheesh peeps, no worries I'm going back!
The conversation continued, and somehow we started talking about mint Juleps. I don;t know Much about this drink at all, not the way I know about red wine anyways, but I did some research and this is what I found out.
Mint Julep is a SUPER old drink. The comment that was made about mint Julep is that it "taste like gasoline". I looked at what it was made out of, and it looks like I found the answer: BOURBON! Now, I am not much of a bourbon drinker, and I think it probably cuz I haven't invested much time effort or money into finding a good one, but I can tell you this: cheap bourbon (and alcohol in general) tastes like gasoline. Mint Juleps are made of Bourbon, sugar, water, and mint... and that's all... so deceiving because if you ask me the word "Julep" is so pretty, I might order it just to say the word (if I were young and trashed). IT is also the staple drink of the KEntucky derby... figures.
Later yesterday, I went out to "da club" with my roommate to see a DJ friend of hers play (shout out to Don Lynch!). I wwent cuz I like to dance, but mostly because I wanted to see a club sober. I am not much of a clubber, and I sometimes wonder if I missed out in college.
I SO DID NOT! If last night was a look into my generation, I weep for the future. Not only did the drinks look crappy (BARTENDERS! EDUCATE YOURSELVES! IT'S ABOUT POUR COUNT!), but the "dancing" was appalling? And what do I have to compare it to? I have seen footage of clubs for previous generations, and our generation doesn't even hold a CANDLE to our Parents. Friends, go to our Parents house, bring them a bottle of their favorite Bourbon and put on some Ray charles.... AND TAKE NOTES!!! My parents can tear it up and I bet yours could to... ridiculous. But down your rubix cube's, step away from your computers, and learn to mix a drink and dance. it's about being well-rounded people.
I get the social aspect of it, I easily could have seen myself dropping close to $30 last night on drinks (It was hot, sweaty, I only knew one person, and I was in a club on a tuesday with overpriced drinks.) I would say I would have probably had 2-3 mixed drinks, plus tip for the tender... That's probably about 20-24 bucks.
Saved twenty bucks in my mind! I bought some fresh basil and italian parsley today with my savings... and enough pasta to hold me through winter... three drinks or a season's worth of pasta? Why didn't I give this up before?
To prove statistics are not just a bunch of phoney- baloney, My mom told someone about my project this month. They asked "WHY?" as if it were crazy to give up something... And then went onto say they couldn;t do it because of the social aspect.
What is it about this magical drink that makes it so crazy to give up. If I said I were gonna give up say, Red meat... or... carbs, I don;t think anyone these days would care to venture to ask more about it.. Dairy, red meat, carbs, sweets (we'll get to that in a few) everyone is ok. But, as soon as you say you are giving up alcohol everyone gets concerned... I'm just trying it out ok? Sheesh peeps, no worries I'm going back!
The conversation continued, and somehow we started talking about mint Juleps. I don;t know Much about this drink at all, not the way I know about red wine anyways, but I did some research and this is what I found out.
Mint Julep is a SUPER old drink. The comment that was made about mint Julep is that it "taste like gasoline". I looked at what it was made out of, and it looks like I found the answer: BOURBON! Now, I am not much of a bourbon drinker, and I think it probably cuz I haven't invested much time effort or money into finding a good one, but I can tell you this: cheap bourbon (and alcohol in general) tastes like gasoline. Mint Juleps are made of Bourbon, sugar, water, and mint... and that's all... so deceiving because if you ask me the word "Julep" is so pretty, I might order it just to say the word (if I were young and trashed). IT is also the staple drink of the KEntucky derby... figures.
Later yesterday, I went out to "da club" with my roommate to see a DJ friend of hers play (shout out to Don Lynch!). I wwent cuz I like to dance, but mostly because I wanted to see a club sober. I am not much of a clubber, and I sometimes wonder if I missed out in college.
I SO DID NOT! If last night was a look into my generation, I weep for the future. Not only did the drinks look crappy (BARTENDERS! EDUCATE YOURSELVES! IT'S ABOUT POUR COUNT!), but the "dancing" was appalling? And what do I have to compare it to? I have seen footage of clubs for previous generations, and our generation doesn't even hold a CANDLE to our Parents. Friends, go to our Parents house, bring them a bottle of their favorite Bourbon and put on some Ray charles.... AND TAKE NOTES!!! My parents can tear it up and I bet yours could to... ridiculous. But down your rubix cube's, step away from your computers, and learn to mix a drink and dance. it's about being well-rounded people.
I get the social aspect of it, I easily could have seen myself dropping close to $30 last night on drinks (It was hot, sweaty, I only knew one person, and I was in a club on a tuesday with overpriced drinks.) I would say I would have probably had 2-3 mixed drinks, plus tip for the tender... That's probably about 20-24 bucks.
Saved twenty bucks in my mind! I bought some fresh basil and italian parsley today with my savings... and enough pasta to hold me through winter... three drinks or a season's worth of pasta? Why didn't I give this up before?
Monday, August 2, 2010
Day two: Welcome to the world of Wine-o's
Alcohol is funny because of the taboos that go with it.
And like I imagined, this is harder than I first thought. I saw on someone's update today "it's not my fault I get off work at 2pm...therefore, no, it is not "too early" for a beer." It Made me chuckle because I can't even REMEMBER how many times I have resisted this thought. And I was doing great NOT drinking today until I saw my mom (around 8) and she offered me a glass of wine. Since it was chardonnay, it was easy to turn down, but only after she offered red and I almost yelled "NO!" at her. No, meaning "No, how dare you open a fresh bottle and drink it yourself knowing I won't have any!"
What is it about Red wine? The drink I know to be native to my people (both figuratively and literally), the purply-red syrup has been around since day one. My papa Q. drinks red wine every night with dinner, and my father kept a boxed wine (don't knock it, boxed wine is the BEST way to store wine, you snobs...) for as long as I can remember, following in this tradition. But Why? why??? Well, I can give you a million reasons, but like anything, it is to be drank in moderation (the benefits of red wine come from 2 to 3, 6-8 ounces, and 8 is a generous serving....)
For starters, scholarly journals (including but not limited to the university of Florida) show that, unlike most alcoholic beverages, red wine actually builds up the immune system instead of weakening it the way most do.
Nextly, the antioxidants in red wine have shown (by scholarly and drinking enthusiasts alike) to reduce Coronary heart disease, stress, blood clots, hypertension, kidney stones, and Alzheimer's disease.
Red wine has a HUGE extensive history of preparations and customs that go with it (that I can Divulge later). My personal favorite is a good bottle of Cabernet, but I just recently found a 2003 PEtite Syrah that has proven to be the most complex red wine I have ever drank (after first opening, it tasted of oak and chocolate... five minutes later, is that cherries??? 20 minutes of sitting, licorice? This is blowing my mind). There are books written as to how to pin point a "good" wine, but any Italian will tell you "its good if you like the taste". My sister the personal trainer went through a phase where all she wanted at the end of a long day was a bowl of popcorn and a glass of red wine (though I prefer chocolates or cheeses with mine... hence the pudge)..
Side note on pudge: part of the problem with alcohol is it makes you eat... water doesn't require cheese or chocolate. Beer and pretzels though? Wine and cheese? Martini and olives? all unnecessary!
Never drink your wine out of a metal glass, as the metal messes with the chemistry, turning your treat sour!
And I will say, after no drink for a good 48 hours, I was definitely sweating more in my hot yoga class than ever before (alcohols in general dehydrate you).
Salute!
And like I imagined, this is harder than I first thought. I saw on someone's update today "it's not my fault I get off work at 2pm...therefore, no, it is not "too early" for a beer." It Made me chuckle because I can't even REMEMBER how many times I have resisted this thought. And I was doing great NOT drinking today until I saw my mom (around 8) and she offered me a glass of wine. Since it was chardonnay, it was easy to turn down, but only after she offered red and I almost yelled "NO!" at her. No, meaning "No, how dare you open a fresh bottle and drink it yourself knowing I won't have any!"
What is it about Red wine? The drink I know to be native to my people (both figuratively and literally), the purply-red syrup has been around since day one. My papa Q. drinks red wine every night with dinner, and my father kept a boxed wine (don't knock it, boxed wine is the BEST way to store wine, you snobs...) for as long as I can remember, following in this tradition. But Why? why??? Well, I can give you a million reasons, but like anything, it is to be drank in moderation (the benefits of red wine come from 2 to 3, 6-8 ounces, and 8 is a generous serving....)
For starters, scholarly journals (including but not limited to the university of Florida) show that, unlike most alcoholic beverages, red wine actually builds up the immune system instead of weakening it the way most do.
Nextly, the antioxidants in red wine have shown (by scholarly and drinking enthusiasts alike) to reduce Coronary heart disease, stress, blood clots, hypertension, kidney stones, and Alzheimer's disease.
Red wine has a HUGE extensive history of preparations and customs that go with it (that I can Divulge later). My personal favorite is a good bottle of Cabernet, but I just recently found a 2003 PEtite Syrah that has proven to be the most complex red wine I have ever drank (after first opening, it tasted of oak and chocolate... five minutes later, is that cherries??? 20 minutes of sitting, licorice? This is blowing my mind). There are books written as to how to pin point a "good" wine, but any Italian will tell you "its good if you like the taste". My sister the personal trainer went through a phase where all she wanted at the end of a long day was a bowl of popcorn and a glass of red wine (though I prefer chocolates or cheeses with mine... hence the pudge)..
Side note on pudge: part of the problem with alcohol is it makes you eat... water doesn't require cheese or chocolate. Beer and pretzels though? Wine and cheese? Martini and olives? all unnecessary!
Never drink your wine out of a metal glass, as the metal messes with the chemistry, turning your treat sour!
And I will say, after no drink for a good 48 hours, I was definitely sweating more in my hot yoga class than ever before (alcohols in general dehydrate you).
Salute!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
AUGUST CHALLENGE:Alcohol
I think I have said before, I need goals.
Short term, disciplined, to the point goals. And I especially like when I can check things off my list.
It is for this reason that I am giving up alcohol for 30 days (33 to be exact).
Now, let's get one thing straight... I am not an alcoholic. I have never been an alcoholic, and have no real thoughts of becoming one anytime soon. I drink occasionally on the weekend, and Love red wine. SO why have I chosen this?
Well, here's why. Between weddings, fourth of July, and all of the wine festivals I have attended in the past month, I am starting to notice the some changes around my mid-section that I am not so found of! Plus there is not a whole lot about it that is good for you (Lie: Red wine is chocked full of anti-oxidants, and my family swears by it... but this i not what I have been drinking recently), and, point blank, it is just straight UP embarrassing to be in a hot yoga class and sweat the chardonnay from last night's dinner with Dad.
Plus, I am SUPER looking forward to a vacation at the end of the summer (labor Day weekend, to be exact) is going to mark the end of my drinking celibacy. I only came up with this idea a few days ago (in hot yoga) that I would give it up for all of august (and then some). It will be a challenge, mainly because when you say "don't think about alcohol" what is the first thing you think of? That's right. Plus, august will be hot, and Lemonade is so delicious with a little vodka in it :)
Let's set a few more ground rules: If i go out to a place where alcohol is present, I will tally an estimate in what I think I might have drank at the establishment, and be keeping a tally of what I save by NOT drinking. This money will go into my savings. Any drink I crave will be researched (no dissertations, just a quick summary), and in the event I lose weight, I will be weighing in every sunday. How's that for a project?
I googled "why do people drink alcohol?" and most of the hits from "studies" and informal polls say: for socializing. Hmmm... This makes sense, but I remember their being a time when it was not so hard to socialize without alcohol... so what makes it so magic? I hope to find out this august. I also plan on posting more alcohol related facts, traditions, or maybe even some recipes. The second most popular reason people drink (according to .com's and informal polls) is because they like the taste... which made me wonder who they were polling, because if it were 19-25 years olds as one site reported, I am calling shenanigans and tom-foolery right now on them! I did NOT like the taste of alcohol (except a good Cabernet) at 19.
TO reflect on the sociability aspect of it, let's talk about my last drink. Last night I went out to mexican food with my Dave and his Parents. It was Mexican food. And guess what I had? Yup. House margarita. If you know me you know I don't drink beer, so margarita is the next traditional drink of choice in American Establishments. I am not really a huge margarita drinker. I grew up on them and I think at family gatherings I got enough "tequila-ritas" (as we called them) before I was even 18, let alone 21. It is also for this reason that I am particular about my margartias.
This one was NO GOOD! Had I thought about it, it was maybe the worse Idea for a last drink. So why was a drinking it??? Sociability, baby! Don't get me wrong, Dave and his parents are great, but when the three of them get together, all they talk about is... airplanes. And not that I don't like airplanes, but don't breathe them the way they do. And all the jargon that goes on is like a different language. So.... sip sip sip! after you get almost to the bottom it is not so bad! And now I can not feel so bad for not keeping up with the conversation, because now my brain is moving pretty quickly through other notions... and it doesn't MATTER that I am in Natalie land... I have nothing to contribute to the airplane conversation anyways. I big bowl of tequila makes me socially acceptable.... and ready for bed!
Sidenote: If you are trying to lose weight, margaritas are the WORST way to go... One margarita (frozen) is in and around 250 calories!!!!! that is one that is 6ish oz.... NOT the FISHbowls they normally give you in restaurants... those are about 400... Just saying.
Cheers!
Short term, disciplined, to the point goals. And I especially like when I can check things off my list.
It is for this reason that I am giving up alcohol for 30 days (33 to be exact).
Now, let's get one thing straight... I am not an alcoholic. I have never been an alcoholic, and have no real thoughts of becoming one anytime soon. I drink occasionally on the weekend, and Love red wine. SO why have I chosen this?
Well, here's why. Between weddings, fourth of July, and all of the wine festivals I have attended in the past month, I am starting to notice the some changes around my mid-section that I am not so found of! Plus there is not a whole lot about it that is good for you (Lie: Red wine is chocked full of anti-oxidants, and my family swears by it... but this i not what I have been drinking recently), and, point blank, it is just straight UP embarrassing to be in a hot yoga class and sweat the chardonnay from last night's dinner with Dad.
Plus, I am SUPER looking forward to a vacation at the end of the summer (labor Day weekend, to be exact) is going to mark the end of my drinking celibacy. I only came up with this idea a few days ago (in hot yoga) that I would give it up for all of august (and then some). It will be a challenge, mainly because when you say "don't think about alcohol" what is the first thing you think of? That's right. Plus, august will be hot, and Lemonade is so delicious with a little vodka in it :)
Let's set a few more ground rules: If i go out to a place where alcohol is present, I will tally an estimate in what I think I might have drank at the establishment, and be keeping a tally of what I save by NOT drinking. This money will go into my savings. Any drink I crave will be researched (no dissertations, just a quick summary), and in the event I lose weight, I will be weighing in every sunday. How's that for a project?
I googled "why do people drink alcohol?" and most of the hits from "studies" and informal polls say: for socializing. Hmmm... This makes sense, but I remember their being a time when it was not so hard to socialize without alcohol... so what makes it so magic? I hope to find out this august. I also plan on posting more alcohol related facts, traditions, or maybe even some recipes. The second most popular reason people drink (according to .com's and informal polls) is because they like the taste... which made me wonder who they were polling, because if it were 19-25 years olds as one site reported, I am calling shenanigans and tom-foolery right now on them! I did NOT like the taste of alcohol (except a good Cabernet) at 19.
TO reflect on the sociability aspect of it, let's talk about my last drink. Last night I went out to mexican food with my Dave and his Parents. It was Mexican food. And guess what I had? Yup. House margarita. If you know me you know I don't drink beer, so margarita is the next traditional drink of choice in American Establishments. I am not really a huge margarita drinker. I grew up on them and I think at family gatherings I got enough "tequila-ritas" (as we called them) before I was even 18, let alone 21. It is also for this reason that I am particular about my margartias.
This one was NO GOOD! Had I thought about it, it was maybe the worse Idea for a last drink. So why was a drinking it??? Sociability, baby! Don't get me wrong, Dave and his parents are great, but when the three of them get together, all they talk about is... airplanes. And not that I don't like airplanes, but don't breathe them the way they do. And all the jargon that goes on is like a different language. So.... sip sip sip! after you get almost to the bottom it is not so bad! And now I can not feel so bad for not keeping up with the conversation, because now my brain is moving pretty quickly through other notions... and it doesn't MATTER that I am in Natalie land... I have nothing to contribute to the airplane conversation anyways. I big bowl of tequila makes me socially acceptable.... and ready for bed!
Sidenote: If you are trying to lose weight, margaritas are the WORST way to go... One margarita (frozen) is in and around 250 calories!!!!! that is one that is 6ish oz.... NOT the FISHbowls they normally give you in restaurants... those are about 400... Just saying.
Cheers!
Game, Set, Match!!!
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and TODAY have been THE MOST GREATEST DAYS EVER!!!
Seriously. Things are working out.
While I would love to go back and tell in detail how I kicked off the best 3 day weekend of life, I'm afraid that today's descriptions of Thursday would not do it justice. Just know I was FLYING. It amazes me how people can work mundane jobs, while I would rather EARN my money. And that is how thursday felt. I EARNED It. Not just my Time their, but the prizes and great company I had that Followed. PLUS, Dance in Transit got approved on a fundraising website!
And if thursday was great, Friday was better. I went to Northern california to visit Dave's Parents, and while we were there we met some interesting people (sidenote: anyone know how to get a patent? thanks.) Plus we went into east Tahoe for some beach volleyball and swimming... What made this day for me I think though was the idea that I am getting back into shape... whether I want to think about it or not, The last two weeks of Hot yoga, and my feeble attempts at crossfit I could feel the benefit out on the volleyball court! It never amazes me what a little activity will do for you.
Now... If friday was great, Saturday rocked the HOUSE!!!! "Do one thing a day that scares you" is a school of thought widely practiced at work... sO I Went MOUNTAIN BIKING!!! For the first time ever! It was scary! and exhilerating!!! Like a wobbly rollercoaster almost! I was trying to be brave, but inside I was super nervous. And after four hours and only some minor injures (read: Road rash and bruised Left leg)... then it was a successful day! Plus I was in a BEAUTIFUL setting (kirkwood, ca) with AWESOME friends (B-rad & Dave) and at the end of the day we wandered over to the wildflower festival for an artwalk and some wine tasting... Sweating it up in the day, celebrate in the afternoon, good night sleep. I Lived the Dream!!!
Game. Set. Match.
Seriously. Things are working out.
While I would love to go back and tell in detail how I kicked off the best 3 day weekend of life, I'm afraid that today's descriptions of Thursday would not do it justice. Just know I was FLYING. It amazes me how people can work mundane jobs, while I would rather EARN my money. And that is how thursday felt. I EARNED It. Not just my Time their, but the prizes and great company I had that Followed. PLUS, Dance in Transit got approved on a fundraising website!
And if thursday was great, Friday was better. I went to Northern california to visit Dave's Parents, and while we were there we met some interesting people (sidenote: anyone know how to get a patent? thanks.) Plus we went into east Tahoe for some beach volleyball and swimming... What made this day for me I think though was the idea that I am getting back into shape... whether I want to think about it or not, The last two weeks of Hot yoga, and my feeble attempts at crossfit I could feel the benefit out on the volleyball court! It never amazes me what a little activity will do for you.
Now... If friday was great, Saturday rocked the HOUSE!!!! "Do one thing a day that scares you" is a school of thought widely practiced at work... sO I Went MOUNTAIN BIKING!!! For the first time ever! It was scary! and exhilerating!!! Like a wobbly rollercoaster almost! I was trying to be brave, but inside I was super nervous. And after four hours and only some minor injures (read: Road rash and bruised Left leg)... then it was a successful day! Plus I was in a BEAUTIFUL setting (kirkwood, ca) with AWESOME friends (B-rad & Dave) and at the end of the day we wandered over to the wildflower festival for an artwalk and some wine tasting... Sweating it up in the day, celebrate in the afternoon, good night sleep. I Lived the Dream!!!
Game. Set. Match.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The sweet nothings...
Contradictory at it's finest.
Today was the first day for a while that I have had nothing planned. If you looked into my calendar... it was blank.
Most people get excited at the prospect of nothing on their Calendar.
Not me.
I feel my throat close, and I get dizzy and I feel as though my head might explode!
Hello. My name is Natalie Quilici, and I am 24 years old.... And I am a workaholic.
But today, I have put myself through a mental test of strength and discipline. I have made myself do nothing.
It actually hasn't turned out so bad...
I have been told that Italians are supposed to be known for "l’arte non fare niente", the art of doing jack squat. I also know my Grandfather whom I look up to wasted no time working hard so that I could have all the nice things that I do and I'll be damned to waste his hard efforts on "nothing". So I tried it. And the problem was, I don't like it. I am trying really hard to Live in the now, and be happy with the life I AM living, but the truth is I spend a lot of time drawing up my master plan to NOT do that.
So what does a workaholic do when they are making themselves do nothing.
Well... they get in their cars and go outside. They spend hours wandering a bookstore, looking at all the books, reading sections that look interesting. I can't even believe HOW much time I spent today reading from different books on what I need to have a successful career (3 hours I think???? maybe 4) I often found myself screaming in my head WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! YOU NEED TO MAKE A MILLION BY THE TIME YOU ARE 33!!! GO HOME AND START LOOKING FOR BETTER JOBS
That voice has finally gotten irritating. I remember reading in a book (not today, a few years ago) That the work of the devil is not necessarily doing something right or wrong, but more over wasting your time... So I have decided the new game plan is to do... nothing...
But not nothing. Instead of looking for something better... I will do my BEST with what I have, and wait for better to come to ME.
I have never been good with passive looking, but it always seems that when I stop looking so hard, opportunity knocks in abundance... Funny. I seem to recall going through this at 20... swearing off boys and focusing on art, and when I became stable and comfortable with being me... in walked someone who also liked me (almost as much as I like me!) And while I have made many discoveries about myself, The common thread to my "unluck" in frantic job hunting, is me. And so I am taking on a new strategy.
What else did I learn today. I try not to make assumptions based on first impressions. Everyone does it, but I really try to give a person two or three days of ignorant sayings before I start writing them off... with at LEAST one opportunity to say I'm sorry...
SO I have decided, with the encouragement of a new friend and my desire to talk to someone today (not including my roommate or boyfriend, they are more like extensions of me), and against everything I have already learned about this class... I will return reluctantly to crossfit. Because I truly believe everyone/thing deserves a second chance... Plus if it doesn't go as planned, I can always go back to my new addiction for hot yoga tomorrow...
Wish me luck!
Today was the first day for a while that I have had nothing planned. If you looked into my calendar... it was blank.
Most people get excited at the prospect of nothing on their Calendar.
Not me.
I feel my throat close, and I get dizzy and I feel as though my head might explode!
Hello. My name is Natalie Quilici, and I am 24 years old.... And I am a workaholic.
But today, I have put myself through a mental test of strength and discipline. I have made myself do nothing.
It actually hasn't turned out so bad...
I have been told that Italians are supposed to be known for "l’arte non fare niente", the art of doing jack squat. I also know my Grandfather whom I look up to wasted no time working hard so that I could have all the nice things that I do and I'll be damned to waste his hard efforts on "nothing". So I tried it. And the problem was, I don't like it. I am trying really hard to Live in the now, and be happy with the life I AM living, but the truth is I spend a lot of time drawing up my master plan to NOT do that.
So what does a workaholic do when they are making themselves do nothing.
Well... they get in their cars and go outside. They spend hours wandering a bookstore, looking at all the books, reading sections that look interesting. I can't even believe HOW much time I spent today reading from different books on what I need to have a successful career (3 hours I think???? maybe 4) I often found myself screaming in my head WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! YOU NEED TO MAKE A MILLION BY THE TIME YOU ARE 33!!! GO HOME AND START LOOKING FOR BETTER JOBS
That voice has finally gotten irritating. I remember reading in a book (not today, a few years ago) That the work of the devil is not necessarily doing something right or wrong, but more over wasting your time... So I have decided the new game plan is to do... nothing...
But not nothing. Instead of looking for something better... I will do my BEST with what I have, and wait for better to come to ME.
I have never been good with passive looking, but it always seems that when I stop looking so hard, opportunity knocks in abundance... Funny. I seem to recall going through this at 20... swearing off boys and focusing on art, and when I became stable and comfortable with being me... in walked someone who also liked me (almost as much as I like me!) And while I have made many discoveries about myself, The common thread to my "unluck" in frantic job hunting, is me. And so I am taking on a new strategy.
What else did I learn today. I try not to make assumptions based on first impressions. Everyone does it, but I really try to give a person two or three days of ignorant sayings before I start writing them off... with at LEAST one opportunity to say I'm sorry...
SO I have decided, with the encouragement of a new friend and my desire to talk to someone today (not including my roommate or boyfriend, they are more like extensions of me), and against everything I have already learned about this class... I will return reluctantly to crossfit. Because I truly believe everyone/thing deserves a second chance... Plus if it doesn't go as planned, I can always go back to my new addiction for hot yoga tomorrow...
Wish me luck!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Art Both Past and Future
Art transcends me. It is bigger than me, and its importance is true, and that is why I write about it with such ferocity.
There is hope for San Jose.
My friend invited me out to a trunk show opening of a place on the Alameda. The store is called "The usuals" and it was anything but usual. A small studio, it was a place for local artist, and I turned green with envy at the way this event was set up.
First, it was a trunk show for local San Jose artists work. And by artists, I mean jewelry and clothing design. Secondly, on the walls a photographer had hung his work, also for sale, and during the fashion show a local artist was performing, while aspiring models showed off clothes, and a local up and coming food cart provided some tasty treats... all 100% San Jose business...
Talk about the Diaghilev of fashion world!
The space was just right for the Venue, and more importantly than that, the products were cute, reasonably priced, and ranged from avaunt guard to timeless. I made a new friend (a jewelry designer) whom I almost started to tell about how stoked I was San Jose finally starting to do things... but I stopped myself to keep myself from sounding like a complete blathering idiot. However, my new friend was the owner of her own jewelry designs, and her work is super cute and again, reasonably priced, and you should probably look up her website HERE.
ALSO, to push my point even further (about San Jose Local things and Art). I took Boyfriend to the Rosicrucian Museum yesterday (and the planetarium). I forgot when the last time I had been there was, how awesome it is, and that, unbeknown to many CHILDREN my own age.... San Jose has some really cool stuff in it (if everyone would just open there eyes and stop complaining about what we don't have and that we aren't San Francisco). AND While I was there, The Egyptian tombs reminded me that art was used to transcend us then also. When people were buried in pyramids, and living family members had to leave them food and goods to take over into the afterlife, they would PAINT on the walls what needed to go with them. Murals were created to show the happy deceased in paradise with all his favorite things.
But stepping back what does this mean? They were right? no. There religion was better? No. It simply means that they APPRECIATED art. How do I know this, well, for starters, if it was common for this mural to be made, it meant everyone (or a good majority) could PAINT. It meant when someone said, "aunt Mildred has passed, let's make a mural in her honor", no one gulped, started to sweat and stammered about how they can't, their pictures looked like stick figures and they wouldn't do it or couldn't do it...
Those Egyptians didn't realize what they were taking for granted.
There is hope for San Jose.
My friend invited me out to a trunk show opening of a place on the Alameda. The store is called "The usuals" and it was anything but usual. A small studio, it was a place for local artist, and I turned green with envy at the way this event was set up.
First, it was a trunk show for local San Jose artists work. And by artists, I mean jewelry and clothing design. Secondly, on the walls a photographer had hung his work, also for sale, and during the fashion show a local artist was performing, while aspiring models showed off clothes, and a local up and coming food cart provided some tasty treats... all 100% San Jose business...
Talk about the Diaghilev of fashion world!
The space was just right for the Venue, and more importantly than that, the products were cute, reasonably priced, and ranged from avaunt guard to timeless. I made a new friend (a jewelry designer) whom I almost started to tell about how stoked I was San Jose finally starting to do things... but I stopped myself to keep myself from sounding like a complete blathering idiot. However, my new friend was the owner of her own jewelry designs, and her work is super cute and again, reasonably priced, and you should probably look up her website HERE.
ALSO, to push my point even further (about San Jose Local things and Art). I took Boyfriend to the Rosicrucian Museum yesterday (and the planetarium). I forgot when the last time I had been there was, how awesome it is, and that, unbeknown to many CHILDREN my own age.... San Jose has some really cool stuff in it (if everyone would just open there eyes and stop complaining about what we don't have and that we aren't San Francisco). AND While I was there, The Egyptian tombs reminded me that art was used to transcend us then also. When people were buried in pyramids, and living family members had to leave them food and goods to take over into the afterlife, they would PAINT on the walls what needed to go with them. Murals were created to show the happy deceased in paradise with all his favorite things.
But stepping back what does this mean? They were right? no. There religion was better? No. It simply means that they APPRECIATED art. How do I know this, well, for starters, if it was common for this mural to be made, it meant everyone (or a good majority) could PAINT. It meant when someone said, "aunt Mildred has passed, let's make a mural in her honor", no one gulped, started to sweat and stammered about how they can't, their pictures looked like stick figures and they wouldn't do it or couldn't do it...
Those Egyptians didn't realize what they were taking for granted.
Thursday needs some talk
Hello! Thursday was jam packed, and actually so was the rest of this weekend, but Thursday in itself needs Some talk to be had....
First of all, i Finished Training at my new job, and I must say.... I am WAY addicted to "warm Yoga". Not too be confused with Bikram (the Original Hot yoga) Warm yoga has the room heated to a bareable Temperature (80 something as opposed to 102) and you do a flow class in the heat. It is like getting a facial for your whole body. Once you surrender yourself to to the heat, and just embrace the sweat, it feels AMAZING!!! My one complaint is that, of course like in a facial, the next day my face was freaking out because all the toxins had been brought to the surface. BUT, better out than in I think!
Next, after warm yoga, I got a call from Our friends working with us in Dance In Transit. We are raring to go!. We have 3 green lights, and Will be hosting the festival September 18th & 19th... MARK your calendar.
My one request from readers, is to please, please, PLEASE! start advertising word of mouth. Tell you families and friends about Dance, and Art. And Also, on top of that, we are looking to advertise, but as many of you know, I have just graduated, and while I pride myself on making something of nothing, sponsorships would be GREATLY appreciated... So we can 1) do it again next year and 2) keep it as cheap for the public as possible.
Our budget for the weekend isn't huge, and we would give credit (a logo of the business, a shout out, possibly DANCE in Transit memrobelia) to anyone who could find the finances to help us. It wouldn't even be too much if split amoungst a few benefactors. Please e-mail me if you want to see our proposal! We need a big gun!
First of all, i Finished Training at my new job, and I must say.... I am WAY addicted to "warm Yoga". Not too be confused with Bikram (the Original Hot yoga) Warm yoga has the room heated to a bareable Temperature (80 something as opposed to 102) and you do a flow class in the heat. It is like getting a facial for your whole body. Once you surrender yourself to to the heat, and just embrace the sweat, it feels AMAZING!!! My one complaint is that, of course like in a facial, the next day my face was freaking out because all the toxins had been brought to the surface. BUT, better out than in I think!
Next, after warm yoga, I got a call from Our friends working with us in Dance In Transit. We are raring to go!. We have 3 green lights, and Will be hosting the festival September 18th & 19th... MARK your calendar.
My one request from readers, is to please, please, PLEASE! start advertising word of mouth. Tell you families and friends about Dance, and Art. And Also, on top of that, we are looking to advertise, but as many of you know, I have just graduated, and while I pride myself on making something of nothing, sponsorships would be GREATLY appreciated... So we can 1) do it again next year and 2) keep it as cheap for the public as possible.
Our budget for the weekend isn't huge, and we would give credit (a logo of the business, a shout out, possibly DANCE in Transit memrobelia) to anyone who could find the finances to help us. It wouldn't even be too much if split amoungst a few benefactors. Please e-mail me if you want to see our proposal! We need a big gun!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Purpose
PURPOSE/ IT'S THAT LITTLE FLAME/ THAT LIGHTS A FIRE/ UNDER YOUR ASS.
PURPOSE/ IT KEEPS YOU GOING STRONG/ LIKE A CAR WITH A FULL TANK OF GAS.
I was talking to my cousin last night. I always find it interesting to talk to him because, I come from a family of engineers who love and support me, Anthony, being another artist (Sax Musician by trade, Hodge podge of artistic wizardery by passion) GETS me.
We were talking about goals (mine, specifically) and he said something that I hope to never forget. I have been graduated San Jose State for almost 7 months now, and have been Aching, Craving, DYING for stability so badly that yesterday I contemplated (gasp!) going back to get a master's... I was telling him my master plot and where I eventually want to be and he said to me, "well... Here's the positive about that. You haven't yet given up. Most people at your point, roll over, lock there dreams away, and join the rat race..."
When I read these words (did I say talking? I meant FB chatting...) A lump came to my throat, and my tears welled up and I felt my palms start to sweat with panic. I was there. I was feeling my dreams not being put into a closet by choice, they were being taken out of my hand. And I was standing on the line. I was looking at Mr. Monotony in the face, and he was extending his hand out to me. He looks kind, and safe. And he was reaching, reaching for my outstretched palm that held my hopes and dreams, reaching....
"... but you haven't done that. I remember when it happened to me. But you haven't lost sight of that, kiddo. And knowing what your ultimate goal is and taking the baby steps to get there makes me think you won't lose sight of that. You'll make it, Kiddo, you're doing fine."
And these words made me close my fist tight, turn around, and run like hell from the face that, deceivingly looks safe, but upon further inspection is mediocrity and boredom. And as I was running, nay sprinting away from the crossroads and mister monotony, I glanced over my shoulder and saw 12 year old me, tap dancing on my dad's hardwood floors til I was exhausted to master a single footed wing step. And I saw 16 year old me, choosing the dance team over my varsity softball position. And I saw 18 year old me, Dancing like no one was watching for a spot in Irvine's dance program.
... Who am I kidding? I'm not safe. And I never have been.
Again, let me clarify, I have a complete and full respect for people who are in corporate America. I respect them because they do something I know I never could do. And I would not MIND a job in an office with a set schedule that gave me nights and weekends...
.... but this is only so I could live off Ramen for 3 years, save the money I was making during the day, and become a super hero at night, creating, dancing, budgeting, for the ultimate goal, which is something that exists outside corporate America.
I am so glad I have my cousin, mentors, family & friends who continue to love, support, and encourage me. They are really what is keeping me motivated toward my purpose.
"And I'd gladly go down in a flame if a flame's what it takes to remember my name"
PURPOSE/ IT KEEPS YOU GOING STRONG/ LIKE A CAR WITH A FULL TANK OF GAS.
I was talking to my cousin last night. I always find it interesting to talk to him because, I come from a family of engineers who love and support me, Anthony, being another artist (Sax Musician by trade, Hodge podge of artistic wizardery by passion) GETS me.
We were talking about goals (mine, specifically) and he said something that I hope to never forget. I have been graduated San Jose State for almost 7 months now, and have been Aching, Craving, DYING for stability so badly that yesterday I contemplated (gasp!) going back to get a master's... I was telling him my master plot and where I eventually want to be and he said to me, "well... Here's the positive about that. You haven't yet given up. Most people at your point, roll over, lock there dreams away, and join the rat race..."
When I read these words (did I say talking? I meant FB chatting...) A lump came to my throat, and my tears welled up and I felt my palms start to sweat with panic. I was there. I was feeling my dreams not being put into a closet by choice, they were being taken out of my hand. And I was standing on the line. I was looking at Mr. Monotony in the face, and he was extending his hand out to me. He looks kind, and safe. And he was reaching, reaching for my outstretched palm that held my hopes and dreams, reaching....
"... but you haven't done that. I remember when it happened to me. But you haven't lost sight of that, kiddo. And knowing what your ultimate goal is and taking the baby steps to get there makes me think you won't lose sight of that. You'll make it, Kiddo, you're doing fine."
And these words made me close my fist tight, turn around, and run like hell from the face that, deceivingly looks safe, but upon further inspection is mediocrity and boredom. And as I was running, nay sprinting away from the crossroads and mister monotony, I glanced over my shoulder and saw 12 year old me, tap dancing on my dad's hardwood floors til I was exhausted to master a single footed wing step. And I saw 16 year old me, choosing the dance team over my varsity softball position. And I saw 18 year old me, Dancing like no one was watching for a spot in Irvine's dance program.
... Who am I kidding? I'm not safe. And I never have been.
Again, let me clarify, I have a complete and full respect for people who are in corporate America. I respect them because they do something I know I never could do. And I would not MIND a job in an office with a set schedule that gave me nights and weekends...
.... but this is only so I could live off Ramen for 3 years, save the money I was making during the day, and become a super hero at night, creating, dancing, budgeting, for the ultimate goal, which is something that exists outside corporate America.
I am so glad I have my cousin, mentors, family & friends who continue to love, support, and encourage me. They are really what is keeping me motivated toward my purpose.
"And I'd gladly go down in a flame if a flame's what it takes to remember my name"
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Mastering the art of Pain
So... On my second day of work, I went to The Dailey Method in Saratoga... AND WAS THE BIGGEST BABY!!! The problem was I went balls to the wall during crossfit, and could hardly WALK to work let alone go through a whole class.
However, I feel like there is a class etiquette that I finally found explained.
Crossfit is a lot about Olympic weight lifting, and I feel there is a stigma that goes with it. The grunting and straining in lifting, I get it. You think you need it. Just BREATHE! All that grunting and straining... unnecessary. It does not work like the woman's tennis open (and that doesn't work either.)
Now, on the FLIP side to that, Dailey method is a workout based on small contractions to make lean, long muscles. They use straps and barres, and it originates from ballet and pilates workouts.
So, you can imagine my distaste when I could hear moaning and groaning from a participant about her Dailey Method workout. At first, I wanted to blame this on the early time and my lack of orange juice this morning (a sacrificed my breakfast for 10 minutes of sleep... and I still believe my priorities were aligned correctly) And then it hit me: No. No Natalie, you are not being judgmental and pretentious.
This is what I think: The straining. So you are lifting more than your body weight over your head. Ok, it's hard.
Now try and Balance all of your body weight on the two centimeters square footage of your toe. Oh wait, and while you do it, where the most uncomfortable article of clothing. You probably have a wedgie. You are probably also wearing a cake layer of makeup. And keep your head up, which is, by the way, about 2 pounds heavier than normal because of all the hairspray, pins, and sparkly Tiara.
Grunting? No. Straining? out of the question.... Instead you have to SMILE and make it look easy.
Olympic Lifting? Sure, it's hard. There's no question about it. But... While cross fit was hard, I remember dancing a 3 part, 27 minute ballet suite, making me more sore than crossfit.
And I looked way better doing it.
And this morning in Dailey Method... sure I wanted to die... but while I was in class... Ya couldn't tell :)
However, I feel like there is a class etiquette that I finally found explained.
Crossfit is a lot about Olympic weight lifting, and I feel there is a stigma that goes with it. The grunting and straining in lifting, I get it. You think you need it. Just BREATHE! All that grunting and straining... unnecessary. It does not work like the woman's tennis open (and that doesn't work either.)
Now, on the FLIP side to that, Dailey method is a workout based on small contractions to make lean, long muscles. They use straps and barres, and it originates from ballet and pilates workouts.
So, you can imagine my distaste when I could hear moaning and groaning from a participant about her Dailey Method workout. At first, I wanted to blame this on the early time and my lack of orange juice this morning (a sacrificed my breakfast for 10 minutes of sleep... and I still believe my priorities were aligned correctly) And then it hit me: No. No Natalie, you are not being judgmental and pretentious.
This is what I think: The straining. So you are lifting more than your body weight over your head. Ok, it's hard.
Now try and Balance all of your body weight on the two centimeters square footage of your toe. Oh wait, and while you do it, where the most uncomfortable article of clothing. You probably have a wedgie. You are probably also wearing a cake layer of makeup. And keep your head up, which is, by the way, about 2 pounds heavier than normal because of all the hairspray, pins, and sparkly Tiara.
Grunting? No. Straining? out of the question.... Instead you have to SMILE and make it look easy.
Olympic Lifting? Sure, it's hard. There's no question about it. But... While cross fit was hard, I remember dancing a 3 part, 27 minute ballet suite, making me more sore than crossfit.
And I looked way better doing it.
And this morning in Dailey Method... sure I wanted to die... but while I was in class... Ya couldn't tell :)
Monday, July 19, 2010
Jump in!
That's how I feel about today. After weeks of searching I am back, in what seems to be another week of training. I have decided this is a great experience because I am learning more about fitness (on only the first day!) than I could have financially had the opportunity to do.
Today I went to a cross fit class. I have never been to one, and have heard both extreme thoughts on the workout, but I tried to go into it with an open mind. I can already tell I am going to be sore tomorrow. Not only will I be sore, I may not stand. It kicked my butt, and I loathe the thought of getting out of bed in the morning. don't get me wrong, I know it was just what I needed to have my butt jump-started off the couch, but looking back on it I can say I know now it just wasn't for me.
In other news, I am still waiting to here a final say about Dance in Transit, and my brain is so mush from my first day of training that I litereally spent 2 hour playing wii with my brother in law today.
Like my cousin Ashley, I am now starting to count the days til Labor day weekend. I feel like, even though I was unemployed for 3 weeks, I need a vacation. One unburdened by money woes, lingering thoughts of self-doubt, and inferiority.
Also, I am trying to write everyday. Being unemployed kept me busy at work, and I am hoping to keep writing... Even through the exhaustion and mushy brain.
....But this is all I can muster today.
Today I went to a cross fit class. I have never been to one, and have heard both extreme thoughts on the workout, but I tried to go into it with an open mind. I can already tell I am going to be sore tomorrow. Not only will I be sore, I may not stand. It kicked my butt, and I loathe the thought of getting out of bed in the morning. don't get me wrong, I know it was just what I needed to have my butt jump-started off the couch, but looking back on it I can say I know now it just wasn't for me.
In other news, I am still waiting to here a final say about Dance in Transit, and my brain is so mush from my first day of training that I litereally spent 2 hour playing wii with my brother in law today.
Like my cousin Ashley, I am now starting to count the days til Labor day weekend. I feel like, even though I was unemployed for 3 weeks, I need a vacation. One unburdened by money woes, lingering thoughts of self-doubt, and inferiority.
Also, I am trying to write everyday. Being unemployed kept me busy at work, and I am hoping to keep writing... Even through the exhaustion and mushy brain.
....But this is all I can muster today.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Self-discovery at its finest
I always like to think of myself as a pretty unique individual.
I have lots of close friends, and there is a lot I have in common with them, but there is also a lot I don't:
Me: Of my gosh, sometimes I can't get through my day without making a list of stuff to do
Claire: I know right?!?!? I do that ALL the time...
Me: And then I go back and highlight my list according to how it pertains to life: Job#1, My personal career, Dance In Transit, Holiday/birthdays/anniversaries/, and "extra curricular"
Claire: ... What is wrong with you?
Sometimes I think I am the unique monster my parents created, taken some of their best qualities, and a few of their idiosyncrasies, and there is no one like me on earth because of the crazy way I have modified my parents habits.....
And then my sister comes to visit.
An inch shorter and probably 30 lbs lighter ( and, if you asked her, she would probably calculate our BMI difference to), my sister proves to remain the anomaly of my life, while remaining to be my "twin". Where I feel I got Mom's 2 parts mannerisms and 1 part dad, My sister got 5 parts dad, and 1 part mom (and I speak in mathematic terms, because if you know my sister or dad that is their language). And that half a fraction difference, is what keeps the two of us in check. There are photos, laughs, and even when we were younger, CLOTHING, that tried to make us the same, but there is evidence proving that we could not be more alike.
TEXT CONVERSATION:
Sis: I'm turning into dad.
Me: What? NO! Why? I need you! don't do this to me!
Sis: Sometimes I get ideas during the day, while I am in my car, training someone, and I don;t want to forget them.
Me: I already know where this is going.
Sis: So I invested in a pad of sticky notes! And a mechanical Pencil! They are EVERYWHERE!
Me: I guess that's not so bad...
Sis: I also am keeping a box of Franzia in the Closet
Me: I'm scheduling your intervention now.
This weekend I witnessed the mother of all problems. Growing up in a big Italian Family, in order to keep efficiency, there has, and always will be "a plan" (hence my color coated schedule). Apparently, other families do not understand the sanctity of the plan, and I have often had what appears to be the spat my sister and her husband had yesterday on a regular basis with my own Boyfriend.
The problem is this: the "in-laws" are in town (or I am going there). And I have already made plans. My plans must now be changed to fit them in
(Let's keep in mind also that both Sister and I love in-laws very much, and really don't MIND changing the schedule for in-laws. We are HAPPY to do it as long as one thing is kept in mind: There needs to be a PLAN. Something to supplement my otherwise happy, productive day with more happy, productive things).
The trouble is this: There is no plan (or at least if there is, I am being filled in about the plan). So while I COULD be doing things (to keep my schedule moving), I am now, sitting around waiting for someone to 1) think of a plan, 2) tell me the plan or 3) tell me to think of a plan so I can become the leader and get this day rolling. Both boyfriend and sister's husband argue "My family doesn't need a plan, they are fine with just hanging out with each other".
My argument: Our family does too, but at least then it is stated "we are doing NOTHING TOGETHER today", so I can dress, act, and prepare accordingly (people don't realize the mental prep that goes into relaxing for a workaholic!) I have recently remedied my situation by packing a novel, because I know I will get at least 4 quality hours of reading in one weekend
Sister argument (at least this week): Our family does too, but we don't pick the second largest city (SF) in the nation with the notoriously WORSE parking situation to NOT have a destination or plan so I can drive around aimlessly to do nothing.
I bring it up because I understand where she is coming from... but for some reason when we voice our complaints to the respective significant other, I noticed that we get the same reaction: it's the look you would give someone who might be speaking in tongues to, Sheer and udder insanity.
While my sister was leaving for her destinationless road trip to SF today, i heard my father (from her) say "Insanity is trying to one solution method to get the a consistent answer, and getting a different answer everytime... I JUST WANT A CONSISTENT ANSWER!" When she said this I laughed inside and wished her luck. I've been there! But it made me wonder... Are WE the crazy ones, or are they??? I'm pretty sure the answer is us, but I would still love an answer.
I have lots of close friends, and there is a lot I have in common with them, but there is also a lot I don't:
Me: Of my gosh, sometimes I can't get through my day without making a list of stuff to do
Claire: I know right?!?!? I do that ALL the time...
Me: And then I go back and highlight my list according to how it pertains to life: Job#1, My personal career, Dance In Transit, Holiday/birthdays/anniversaries/, and "extra curricular"
Claire: ... What is wrong with you?
Sometimes I think I am the unique monster my parents created, taken some of their best qualities, and a few of their idiosyncrasies, and there is no one like me on earth because of the crazy way I have modified my parents habits.....
And then my sister comes to visit.
An inch shorter and probably 30 lbs lighter ( and, if you asked her, she would probably calculate our BMI difference to), my sister proves to remain the anomaly of my life, while remaining to be my "twin". Where I feel I got Mom's 2 parts mannerisms and 1 part dad, My sister got 5 parts dad, and 1 part mom (and I speak in mathematic terms, because if you know my sister or dad that is their language). And that half a fraction difference, is what keeps the two of us in check. There are photos, laughs, and even when we were younger, CLOTHING, that tried to make us the same, but there is evidence proving that we could not be more alike.
TEXT CONVERSATION:
Sis: I'm turning into dad.
Me: What? NO! Why? I need you! don't do this to me!
Sis: Sometimes I get ideas during the day, while I am in my car, training someone, and I don;t want to forget them.
Me: I already know where this is going.
Sis: So I invested in a pad of sticky notes! And a mechanical Pencil! They are EVERYWHERE!
Me: I guess that's not so bad...
Sis: I also am keeping a box of Franzia in the Closet
Me: I'm scheduling your intervention now.
This weekend I witnessed the mother of all problems. Growing up in a big Italian Family, in order to keep efficiency, there has, and always will be "a plan" (hence my color coated schedule). Apparently, other families do not understand the sanctity of the plan, and I have often had what appears to be the spat my sister and her husband had yesterday on a regular basis with my own Boyfriend.
The problem is this: the "in-laws" are in town (or I am going there). And I have already made plans. My plans must now be changed to fit them in
(Let's keep in mind also that both Sister and I love in-laws very much, and really don't MIND changing the schedule for in-laws. We are HAPPY to do it as long as one thing is kept in mind: There needs to be a PLAN. Something to supplement my otherwise happy, productive day with more happy, productive things).
The trouble is this: There is no plan (or at least if there is, I am being filled in about the plan). So while I COULD be doing things (to keep my schedule moving), I am now, sitting around waiting for someone to 1) think of a plan, 2) tell me the plan or 3) tell me to think of a plan so I can become the leader and get this day rolling. Both boyfriend and sister's husband argue "My family doesn't need a plan, they are fine with just hanging out with each other".
My argument: Our family does too, but at least then it is stated "we are doing NOTHING TOGETHER today", so I can dress, act, and prepare accordingly (people don't realize the mental prep that goes into relaxing for a workaholic!) I have recently remedied my situation by packing a novel, because I know I will get at least 4 quality hours of reading in one weekend
Sister argument (at least this week): Our family does too, but we don't pick the second largest city (SF) in the nation with the notoriously WORSE parking situation to NOT have a destination or plan so I can drive around aimlessly to do nothing.
I bring it up because I understand where she is coming from... but for some reason when we voice our complaints to the respective significant other, I noticed that we get the same reaction: it's the look you would give someone who might be speaking in tongues to, Sheer and udder insanity.
While my sister was leaving for her destinationless road trip to SF today, i heard my father (from her) say "Insanity is trying to one solution method to get the a consistent answer, and getting a different answer everytime... I JUST WANT A CONSISTENT ANSWER!" When she said this I laughed inside and wished her luck. I've been there! But it made me wonder... Are WE the crazy ones, or are they??? I'm pretty sure the answer is us, but I would still love an answer.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
A lesson For The Capt'an
I rolled out of bed today thinking I had hit a writer's block. Like I had nothing left to say because I had reached a goal, and am now in search of my next goal.
And then I saw my mom.
Let's be honest, I have been very apprehensive to write directly about people recently since last time it got me into a little trouble (sorta) because I hurt someone's feelings. Well, I figured today's entry would be safe, because it's my mom, and 1) we grew up ridiculing her, and i've gotta hand it to her, she's a pretty tough cookie, and 2) She very much supports what I am doing and know anything I write about her is truth, and I am the monster she created... .
I was driving my mom to the airport today because she's going on a trip. It was only funny because it was for work and while the conversation was fine, I suddenly felt as though the roles had been reversed. Mom fiddled in the front seat, and for a moment I felt as though I could have been staring into a mirror. The year being 1990 and its Natty's first day of Kindergarten. I think it was easier for me to be nervous (though I don't recall ever being nervous) because I was a ball of energy, so when I had nervous energy, it radiated off of me as just more freakish energy. And now, here I was driving my mom to some adventure, and while she sat next to me the classy broad she is, I couldn't help but notice a tinge of excitement, nervousness, and maybe a little anxiety.
Anyways, I am driving around and am taking my mom to her terminal, and let me say, the airport has had some work done to it since She had last been there. I knew the WHOLE time where I was going, but mom (like me) as soon as she thought something was amiss immediately started to lose composure, (as I am sure I would have done a few years ago). The difference is, I wear my thoughts on my face, so it could be vague what I am thinking (she's upset, but what about?) where as mom just says them.....
NOW WAIT A MINUTE, IS THIS THE RIGHT TERMINAL, OR IS IT THE END OF THAT ONE (mom raises her voice when she is lost, on the phone, or speaking to someone taller than her. My sister does it too. It's funny. Read on)
All I could do was roll my eyes under my big sunglasses. "sit back, lady, I know where we are," I say to co-pilot anxious... She nervous laughs and sits back, still fiddling. I look over at her and say, "Don't freak out on game day."
Don't freak out on game day is my own personal Mantra I have had since I was about 16. It was then that class projects, public speaking, and performances meant more than me just talking out of my butt for 5 minutes. So with much preparation, confidence, and skill, I have always strived to not freak out for something that has been planned, you knew this day was coming, you have all the skills so why bother projects. And although I'm pretty sure mom may have taught me this growing up along with many other influential family memebers, I can't help but think that my reminder to her helped her relax a little.
The rest of the scene to me was priceless, I pull up to her terminal (which, was, by the way, about 500 feet from where she thought it was) and watched as she leapt from the car, grabbed her suitcase and thanked me for the ride. "ok, love you mom, be safe," I said in routine to all loved ones I say when I drop them off at the airport. But this time was different. What I got in response was MY own dimpled, nervous smile back, wave goodbye and words of reassurance. Except it wasn't me, it was mom
Ohhhh, so THAT's where I get that from.
Interesting to see how things come full circle.
And then I saw my mom.
Let's be honest, I have been very apprehensive to write directly about people recently since last time it got me into a little trouble (sorta) because I hurt someone's feelings. Well, I figured today's entry would be safe, because it's my mom, and 1) we grew up ridiculing her, and i've gotta hand it to her, she's a pretty tough cookie, and 2) She very much supports what I am doing and know anything I write about her is truth, and I am the monster she created... .
I was driving my mom to the airport today because she's going on a trip. It was only funny because it was for work and while the conversation was fine, I suddenly felt as though the roles had been reversed. Mom fiddled in the front seat, and for a moment I felt as though I could have been staring into a mirror. The year being 1990 and its Natty's first day of Kindergarten. I think it was easier for me to be nervous (though I don't recall ever being nervous) because I was a ball of energy, so when I had nervous energy, it radiated off of me as just more freakish energy. And now, here I was driving my mom to some adventure, and while she sat next to me the classy broad she is, I couldn't help but notice a tinge of excitement, nervousness, and maybe a little anxiety.
Anyways, I am driving around and am taking my mom to her terminal, and let me say, the airport has had some work done to it since She had last been there. I knew the WHOLE time where I was going, but mom (like me) as soon as she thought something was amiss immediately started to lose composure, (as I am sure I would have done a few years ago). The difference is, I wear my thoughts on my face, so it could be vague what I am thinking (she's upset, but what about?) where as mom just says them.....
NOW WAIT A MINUTE, IS THIS THE RIGHT TERMINAL, OR IS IT THE END OF THAT ONE (mom raises her voice when she is lost, on the phone, or speaking to someone taller than her. My sister does it too. It's funny. Read on)
All I could do was roll my eyes under my big sunglasses. "sit back, lady, I know where we are," I say to co-pilot anxious... She nervous laughs and sits back, still fiddling. I look over at her and say, "Don't freak out on game day."
Don't freak out on game day is my own personal Mantra I have had since I was about 16. It was then that class projects, public speaking, and performances meant more than me just talking out of my butt for 5 minutes. So with much preparation, confidence, and skill, I have always strived to not freak out for something that has been planned, you knew this day was coming, you have all the skills so why bother projects. And although I'm pretty sure mom may have taught me this growing up along with many other influential family memebers, I can't help but think that my reminder to her helped her relax a little.
The rest of the scene to me was priceless, I pull up to her terminal (which, was, by the way, about 500 feet from where she thought it was) and watched as she leapt from the car, grabbed her suitcase and thanked me for the ride. "ok, love you mom, be safe," I said in routine to all loved ones I say when I drop them off at the airport. But this time was different. What I got in response was MY own dimpled, nervous smile back, wave goodbye and words of reassurance. Except it wasn't me, it was mom
Ohhhh, so THAT's where I get that from.
Interesting to see how things come full circle.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I walk Schitzophrenic
I don't even think that is spelled right.
I have been thinking a lot about the idea of being "alone". I take a pride in the fact that I feel I am a people person, and I accredit it to my huge Italian family genes (nature) and also the because I am a second child (getting one sibling before I was even around, more nature) and then from then on out finding myself in team sports, clubs, theatre groups... etc (nurture, nurture, nurture). And Now, at almost a quarter of a way through life, I am living with only one other person, after living with at least two my WHOLE life. And during the day roommate leaves for work, and I do to, but I am starting to notice how comfortable I have gotten with just being by myself....
Or AM I?
As a catholic, I remember a phase in 2000 where everyone asked themselves, WWJD? and sometimes for me this was ridiculous, sure I got the jist of it, but I often found myself asking what people whom I saw more regularly EMBODYING this message was easier. And it is something that I have carried with me since then. I do believe that copying is the highest form of flattery, and have noticed that, I really have taken what I deem as the best characteristics of my friends and trying to embody them myself, and it has become a great new study.
When I found myself in a puddle on the floor a few weeks ago in confusion, I found myself thinking what my cousin would do; she had recently started a blog "DAYS OF YOGA" that I would highly recommend... but that isn't the point, she is what I call a "super hero" (worker by day, artist by night) and I thought she works long hours too, and instead of throwing herself onto a heap on the floor, she takes yoga. She did something that made her happy. I took a Dance class that night.
I woke up a few weeks ago before an interview, and low and behold, an awful zit was rearing its ugly head where I rest my cell phone. After cleaning my phone, I pulled out my make-up like one of my college friends who is an inspiring make-up artist, and covered it, where me 6 months ago would have tried to pop it and make it worse.
Now This is my favorite one to tell. Easily. Before any of this came about, a few weeks ago my car needed some work done. I went to start it and it became indrivable. First, not only did I jump out of my car and have a conversation with a not present ex-boyfriend, cursing him for telling me how to fix this problem, but not SHOWING me, thus never giving me a chance to learn, but I also called on the suave, car savvy boyfriend's roommate thinking what on EARTH could he do in this situation? So I did what I thought he might do, and it actually kept me from the Theatrics I might have otherwise thrown in this situation.
So how does this relate today? well, I have a task, that I know I could have, but more importantly, one of my great friends has ALREADY been down this road. Today, I have dressed myself even in a fashion for which I think she would go, and am now embodying her in order to get me through what might otherwise be another super intimidating task. Hope everything works out! here we go!!!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Creativity the discipline
Most people think artists are crazy. It's this misjudgment by "not creative people" that artists teeter all the time between Creative Genius and Crazy.
I was recently watching a link Where Elizabeth Gilbert (author of "Eat, Pray, LOVE") talks about creativity. (You can also here what she has to say here) The end she finally comes full circle and says something interesting, but the beginning was what I want to address.
Ms. Gilbert opens her talk speaking about how artists have a lot of pressure to always be striving to top their last biggest goal... Sorry Ms. Gilbert. But I feel like anyone who is dedicated to their job strives to be better than who they were yesterday. Coming from a background of hardworking engineers, I know that my father worked harder than most to better himself in his career. Now, maybe because it is harder for artists to thrive in our society, so they HAVE to push themselves past mediocrity.
The other issue I had with her was the way in which she talked about Creativity. Like it just runs by and if you happen to catch it cool, and if not, no biggie. And I get that people get their creativity from different places, but there is such an easier way to Solve it.
If you have read this before, you know I often quote Twyla Tharp. It's because she gets in. Not only does she take artists of this "starving" pedestal, but, she tells it how it should be: work is work is work, and creativity can be cultivated and disciplined just like anything else. The Genius are those dedicated enough to practice their discipline.
The whole speech is quite interesting, but those were the two things I felt needed critiquing. She has a lot of good to say about creativity, but my bottom line I suppose is art doesn't HAVE to be a struggle! And I'm stoked about that.
Monday, July 12, 2010
The posture of life
Cross Your arms. Do it. We've done it for years... Now try and think of something happy.... Something happy without a hint of sarcasm. Now think of something negative. Much Easier, yes? There are in fact, studies that show Crossed arms are showing defense, and regardless of "It's more comfortable to stand like this" (Teenagers often say this whence having an attitude), you have STILL put yourself in physical Defense mode.
Now Pull your shoulders back. Place your Palms forward and tilt your head up slightly. Now try and have a negative thought. Now a positive one. Which one was easier? Studies also show that this is the way you stand for gratitude. Seriously! I have done this in many classes with many people and on a whole the results are the same.
To me Posture is important. As a Dancer, you always want "good" posture. My boyfriend's family are chiropractors, adding to the perfect posture pressure. But these are minute reasons why I strive for Posture.
My posture changes, when my life is about to.
As a dancer, I find myself being very aware of my body. What it is doing, what it wants, and what it is lacking. In the last six months I have found myself more aware of my body than before, and this is probably the least I have danced in my life (SAD!)
This is also the most I have CRIED in my life ever. Not just because I came from the "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" family, but also because I have mostly been a happy person. But back in february, if you'll recall my teaching at 4:45 days, I would be up for almost 20 whole hours and then was expected to function on 6 hours of sleep. And Every Tuesday, around 11:15 when I would come home, I would throw myself into the arms of my patient boyfriend and whimper from exhaustion. I did this for a whole six weeks, before he noticed (chiropractor's kid) that my shoulders had begun to roll forward. NO! I thought, not my incredible posture. I gave up that teaching gig. 4:45 did not work for me.
In the first week of a job, I was put into a pretty high stress situation. I confidently walked through this 16 hour day feeling like I was running a gauntlet, when at the end of the day, tired and feeling self-defeated (yet never showing it in public) I found myself at the door of Boyfriend's. When he asked me how my day had been, I, defeated and embarrassed having given my 100% yet feeling though I had only achieved 60, collapsed yet again, into a puddle of tears on the floor, much like how I'm sure my mother might recall me as a toddler, yet I'm sure 22 years of maturity has toned down the dramatics of this ritual. And yet when my self doubt had left my body through my tear ducts, I found myself in Yoga Savasana, "the corpse" pose, and once I made this realization, I also made one about my job and how to remedy the situation. I pulled myself of the floor and went about life. And at the end of this toxic career (where I found myself crying over multi-layered frustrations) It was finally one night where I laid again in corpse pose on the ground with a tear streaked face realizing this was not my calling. Being MISERABLE IS NOT MY CALLING. I have spent my whole life studying how to make people happy, be it through listening, communicating, dancing, or just simply being. It was in this, what inyoga practice has been noted the most important posture, that I peeled myself off the floor and carried on.
It has been through this that I have discovered and found my bearings back into my ultimate plan, but recently, I have noticed that once again, like clockwork, my posture has yet again, begun to change... And I think it might be because my life in the near future is going to do so also.
Now Pull your shoulders back. Place your Palms forward and tilt your head up slightly. Now try and have a negative thought. Now a positive one. Which one was easier? Studies also show that this is the way you stand for gratitude. Seriously! I have done this in many classes with many people and on a whole the results are the same.
To me Posture is important. As a Dancer, you always want "good" posture. My boyfriend's family are chiropractors, adding to the perfect posture pressure. But these are minute reasons why I strive for Posture.
My posture changes, when my life is about to.
As a dancer, I find myself being very aware of my body. What it is doing, what it wants, and what it is lacking. In the last six months I have found myself more aware of my body than before, and this is probably the least I have danced in my life (SAD!)
This is also the most I have CRIED in my life ever. Not just because I came from the "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" family, but also because I have mostly been a happy person. But back in february, if you'll recall my teaching at 4:45 days, I would be up for almost 20 whole hours and then was expected to function on 6 hours of sleep. And Every Tuesday, around 11:15 when I would come home, I would throw myself into the arms of my patient boyfriend and whimper from exhaustion. I did this for a whole six weeks, before he noticed (chiropractor's kid) that my shoulders had begun to roll forward. NO! I thought, not my incredible posture. I gave up that teaching gig. 4:45 did not work for me.
In the first week of a job, I was put into a pretty high stress situation. I confidently walked through this 16 hour day feeling like I was running a gauntlet, when at the end of the day, tired and feeling self-defeated (yet never showing it in public) I found myself at the door of Boyfriend's. When he asked me how my day had been, I, defeated and embarrassed having given my 100% yet feeling though I had only achieved 60, collapsed yet again, into a puddle of tears on the floor, much like how I'm sure my mother might recall me as a toddler, yet I'm sure 22 years of maturity has toned down the dramatics of this ritual. And yet when my self doubt had left my body through my tear ducts, I found myself in Yoga Savasana, "the corpse" pose, and once I made this realization, I also made one about my job and how to remedy the situation. I pulled myself of the floor and went about life. And at the end of this toxic career (where I found myself crying over multi-layered frustrations) It was finally one night where I laid again in corpse pose on the ground with a tear streaked face realizing this was not my calling. Being MISERABLE IS NOT MY CALLING. I have spent my whole life studying how to make people happy, be it through listening, communicating, dancing, or just simply being. It was in this, what inyoga practice has been noted the most important posture, that I peeled myself off the floor and carried on.
It has been through this that I have discovered and found my bearings back into my ultimate plan, but recently, I have noticed that once again, like clockwork, my posture has yet again, begun to change... And I think it might be because my life in the near future is going to do so also.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Coffee and my Family
To me, when I get a Starbucks coffee certificate, I smile and nod and say thank you and act like it is the best thing known to man. How sweet it is that someone took the time to think of me...
But inside, I shake my head. This poor student/uncle/client clearly knows nothing about me.
Trust me, I can find something to spend it on (or, Gasp! Regift it) but I feel as though I must address this as an issue because I know I am not the only person that feels this way. Here is why Starbucks gift cards are not good presents for me:
1) I don't even DRINK coffee! When I do, it's REAL coffee, free of syrups and the taste of Dirt (Philz coffee comes to mind). Aside from the Heart Palputations I get when I drink real coffee, I don't fully like the taste of it, and have done many studies in my collegiate years about its affects on one's body, it's benefits and connotations, and really have decided that if I am gonna drink coffee, it's gonna be the REAL deal, and not something I could brew in my house and make it taste the same way (aka, dirt). As a side note, addicts, did you know you get more energy from drinking Orange juice than you do from coffee? The natural Sugars in OJ is a longer lasting, natural stimulant that is not as harsh on your senses as caffine. Just saying.
2) I feel guilty and than want to use the card, giving me a chore: sure, you could argue "But there's tea and food at starbucks too". Indeed. In that instance, why is this gift Certificate not to Tevana (YUM!) or Trader Joe's, places I frequent on a MORE regular basis. The fact that you have now given me a chore, suggests that you obviously have no idea what I like, but was still thinking of me (at one point during the week while you were standing in line like a sheep for your own coffee fix). And so now, in order to keep my wallet from looking like George Castanza's from seinfeld, I want to get rid of the gift card and have now tried to assimilate into this coffee culture.
3) there is nothing I like about chain ANYTHING: I haven't finished it, but I was recently told about a book called "French woman don't get fat" ( http://search.barnesandnoble.com/French-Women-Dont-Get-Fat/Mireille-Guiliano/e/9781400044801/?itm=1&USRI=why+french+women+don%27t+get+fat) and from what I understand one of the chapters talks about how supermarkets basically BREEDS obesity, and the importance of a farmer's market. It is for this very reason that I do my personal hardest to avoid chain anything, from Safeways to Starbucks, to Cheesecake factory... Nothing Personal, I just like the hummus guy every sunday morning, who knows my order, name, and wants to know how my sister whom he has never met is. I just like it better, and plus (my old roommate would chringe at this next phrase) As an Artist, I really believe it is important to support the little guy, mom and pop stores, which is Not what Starbucks is about.
So there you have it the three main reasons why I, and many like me, hope the next time you get me a certificate you can find it in your heart to maybe save that caffinated thought for another Person! one less pretentious about their eating habits.
I titled this Coffee and Family, because somehow I find that someone in my family always manages to give me a starbucks card for no reason, and also, I have recently found people just talking to talk, without thinking, and unknowingly hurting someone's feelings indirectly, because they were not thinking of anyone but themselves, and gave someone a "starbucks" as I have begun to call them, a unknowing burn because they were too wrapped up in their own conversation to actually HEAR what was actually being said.
And it isn't just family, it seems to be everyone whom I have heard have the problem recently. America is such an individualistic culture, but it behooves us to take care of each other too. No man is an island. Which is why I am grabbing my recycle bag and skipping of to the Farmer's market right now.
Namaste.
4)
Monday, July 5, 2010
Writing is contradictory
I set off to write this 2 hours ago. I can't even REMEMBER the last time I wrote. And yet, here I am, composing and composing in my head as if I were sitting down to write my first novella. Well, I have come to find that my quest for settlement is 1) ridculous and 2) ambitious. I have never thought of myself as settled, and after getting out of a chaotic and catastrophic job (which I loved for 2 months and it ripped my heart out like a juvenile boyfriend) I have found myself back in the interview process.
Only this time, more self-assured.
Unfortunately, it is because of this active self for new identity (which, I HIGHLY disagree with. What is the DEAL with being defined by your job anyways? and when you have no job, do you have no identity? I say NO! This is silly, but that still doesn't make up for my constant battle with getting up in the morning to find something to do...)
I digress, I am as I said VERY busy, Looking for jobs, staying in contact with aquaintances, reading, studying, looking for leads, and most importantly, staying true to myself: constantly BUSY! I have sat down to write this so I can feel better about myself the way boyfriend Dave does 100-300 sit-ups a day.
But for now I must away, to stand in front of my closet again to find the perfect interview outfit, drink my water, and continue to unpack the mess that has become my new humble abode in south san Jose!
More tomorrow when I am not stealing internet from the next-door neighbors!
Only this time, more self-assured.
Unfortunately, it is because of this active self for new identity (which, I HIGHLY disagree with. What is the DEAL with being defined by your job anyways? and when you have no job, do you have no identity? I say NO! This is silly, but that still doesn't make up for my constant battle with getting up in the morning to find something to do...)
I digress, I am as I said VERY busy, Looking for jobs, staying in contact with aquaintances, reading, studying, looking for leads, and most importantly, staying true to myself: constantly BUSY! I have sat down to write this so I can feel better about myself the way boyfriend Dave does 100-300 sit-ups a day.
But for now I must away, to stand in front of my closet again to find the perfect interview outfit, drink my water, and continue to unpack the mess that has become my new humble abode in south san Jose!
More tomorrow when I am not stealing internet from the next-door neighbors!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Stealing...
I am back.
Staring into my screen.
This whole day I have been thinking about this screen. IT has been haunting me... BLOG SOMETHING!!! Tell us how you feel...
My cousin just recently said in his blog that writing is like biking, you do it alone, and you always feel better when you finish than when you start.
If only I could start...
I started this blog with a Weight on my back. Normally, I would just write. And today I didn't do that. I put my big girl pants on, and fixed it.
All better.
Some days writing helps.
Today was not that day.
Goodnight, Neverland
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Exactly Half
And so it is June...
We are a week away from opening for Inspired Soul Dancewear.
We are 3.5 months away from Dance in Transit.
and not a break in site.
The good news is that I can honestly say I am living the dream. I get up when I want, I don;t have many time constraints during the day, but at the end of the day my work is done, and it is normally done with me, still in my sweats, probably from my couch, and 9 times out of 10 with a good movie on. I work on weekends and holidays which i LOVE because I would much rather be on holiday on some idle Wednesday than spend it on the freeway with everyone else. PLUS, I can blog when I want, and as long as I stay active and can show things for it, than I'm A-ok!
And most importantly, I still have time for dance.
Isn't that nice? For the first time In life I think I can say I am not looking at any past or future more so than I am right now. In school you are trained to Live for vacations, but looking back on life I sometimes wish I hadn't written a few of those papers with summer in mind. Sure they were good papers, but I wanted nothing more than to finish with them and dance in the grass outside or lay by the pool. I OF COURSE still have the most anal looking to do list, and am always looking toward the future to improve, but sitting here in my silent house, I can honestly say things are working out. So why is it called "exactly half" well, If you can recall back to the beginning of this year when I first graduated, I spent more time mourning or not here at all because I was scouring Craislist for a decent job. And now I have it. I once had a teacher who told me that the glass is neither half full or half empty, it is exactly half. I like to think that my journey to this point, the beginning of June, was more on the negative side, more negative than I would have preferred, anyways. And now today, I can honestly call it, and look forward too the positive rest of the year that will make this exactly half
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)